Seven Quick Takes Friday (vol. 6)

One. When I wrote my list on Friday, Chelsea mentioned "Seven Quick Takes Friday," which is something I've done before but haven't in the past few weeks. Honestly, I forgot about this little weekly feature! So it's back! For good!

Two. I went, reluctantly, to my newspaper meeting on Monday. I was still bummed about my freelance status and could not, for the life of me, think about topics to write about. (Well, I could...until I realized those topics were more blog-related, than newspaper-related.) But I went to the meeting because I knew I had to. And grabbed a weekly feature! One of the staffers suggested doing a Professor Profile and when the editor asked who wanted to do it, I raised my hand. Yes, little ole me. I've been super-duper quiet in the meetings but this was my chance and I took it. Sure, it's not much but it's much more than I expected, and something I'm excited about doing!

Three. Can I just say how much the red team on The Biggest Loser annoys me? I can't tell you how many times I wanted to slap Melissa across the face during Tuesdays episode. And her comment to Alison was so petty and unneeded. I mean, the green team annoys me, too, with their emotional disconnectedness but Melissa is someone I can't wait to see go home.

Four. My grandma had her surgery to remove the tumor in her lung on Wednesday. I didn't find out until 2pm that the surgery went well. I was so nerve-wracked all day! Luckily, the doctor only had to remove a wedge from her lung (instead of a whole lobe). So we are blessed! Mom and I went to visit her that night and she was looking great. I took a picture but she might murder me in my sleep if I showed it on this blog. Seriously. Yesterday was a rough day for her and she was super, super, super nauseous all day, which is always worse than throwing up. I'm not a big fan of throwing up, but at least you get the tummy ache over with! But she's still doing good and I'm happy with how well the surgery went.

Five. I feel like my phone phobia might be cured soon, due to my internship. On Thursday, I had to call over 20 businesses for a promotional item. It was nerve-wracking, especially since I'm in a cubicle and the entire office seemed so quiet when I was calling so I felt like everyone was listening in on the new intern, making phone calls. Which they weren't because they were busy enough with their own work! But I did it and it was actually kind of fun! I liked interacting with some of the people and I lost a lot of my nervousness as I got more into the phone calls.

Six. There is only one good thing about my Communications Law class is that almost everyone else in the class is as lost as me. We have to write a term paper on a First Amendment media issue/case/personality. Coming up with a topic was so flippin' hard but I have no idea how to write it. We had to give him an outline of what we want to write and include 10 sources. (TEN!) I struggled with it a lot...but so did everyone else! I'm just hoping to get lots and lots of good pointers to figure out how to even begin this paper.

Seven. As many of you have noticed (and liked!), I changed my blog layout. I was getting sick of the old one and I now have pages! I'm working on a blogroll but it's a lot of work! I do have a question for all you web-savvy people. I want to put up some social media buttons (i.e., Twitter, Facebook, RSS Feed, GMail, etc.) but I'm not sure how I can do it and make them line up nicely in one row. (I'm anal like that.) Anyone willing to help a blogger out? I will love you forever and ever and ever and ever.

In Love With My Future Husband

A week ago, Nanny commented on my Beautiful Blogger post, confused about one of my facts. The fact was this: "I think about my future husband every day. I'm so incredibly in love of the idea of him. And I can't wait to meet him!"

Nanny asked me: What do you think about him every day? And how can you be in love with the idea of him if you haven't met him?

I think it's a perfectly normal question and I'm sure it came across a little kooky for some people. So I want to explain. Because my future husband and marriage and waiting is something I am so passionate about. I want to shout it out across the rooftops how precious and beautiful waiting for your future husband can be.

I want to start with saying that I'm a virgin. And I've never been kissed. I know. It's pretty strange for a 22-year-old. And I think it's only by the grace of God that I've never given myself completely away because I have not followed God for twenty-two years. I have fallen into the trap of becoming like the world and wanting to be doing what "everyone else is doing." But God definitely saved me from falling too deeply into sin.

I have believed, since I was a little girl, that I was designed for one man only. God created one man for the purpose of becoming my husband. If you think about it, that's a pretty awesome concept! There's a guy out there who I am going to know in the most intimate, deepest way possible and I have no idea who he is yet!

Gosh. There is so much I think about with him. I think about what he's doing now: is he in college, is he graduated, did he even go to college, is he studying abroad, is he doing missionary work, is he in prison, is he on the streets, is he living the normal, party college life, or is he a worship leader for his church? I think about whether or not he's found Jesus yet. I think about how many gitls he's kissed or even had sex with. I think about our life together someday, where we'll live, and what it will be like. I think about our wedding day: will it be in a church, on the beach, at a ballroom. I want to know what kind of father he'll be to our kids and what kind of supportive husband he'll be during my labor(s). I want to know what kind of sense of humor he'll have. I want to know how much he loves football. I want to know if he's just cruising through life, like I am, or living it to the fullest. I want to know how he treats his friends, his siblings, and his mother. I want to know what his dreams and hopes are. I want to know if he thinks about me.

And as I think about all of this, I can't help but get a little giddy. I hesitate to write this but I'm going to: I have a passionate love for my future husband. I have a passionate desire to know him, to be with him, and to remain pure for him. I may not know who he is or what he looks like, but I love him. And I love the fact that we don't know each other yet. We haven't even begun our love story. We haven't even met. But one day, I will know him on the deepest, most intimate way possible. And I can't wait for God to bring us together.

I want to end this blog post with a quote from a book that touched me deeply and helped me examine my feelings about living pure for my future husband. The book is called When Dreams Come True by Eric and Leslie Ludy and in the book, they talk about their love story between each other, but more importantly, their love stories with God. It's a beautiful, powerful book.

"Faithfulness to my future husband had come to mean so much more than simply saving my virginity for him. I had made a decision that no matter how many mistakes I had made in the past, from now on I would set myself aside in complete purity and true faithfulness for the man I would one day marry. I wanted to guard my heart, my emotions, everything."

Ten on Tuesday (vol. 11)

1. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Graduating with my high school diploma and two-year college degree, all in the same month! I went to a progressive charter high school where I took college classes that counted as high school credit so had my two-year degree at the age of 18! Of course, I should have graduated with my four-year degree in 2008 but let's just not talk about that, shall we?

2. How much did you weigh when you were born?

Five pounds, even! I was a tiny, little thing!

3. What is your favorite perfume?

I don't really have one. I don't wear much perfume. What I like to do is buy my mom perfume for Mother's Day, her birthday, and Christmas and then use her old perfume when she starts using her new perfume. Yep. That's how I roll. I'm currently using some sort of Victoria's Secret PINK perfume and it smells yummy.

4. How many siblings do you have?

Just my brother, who is one of my heroes. He's 14 months older than me and we fought like cats and dogs growing up. Basically, we were each others best friends and worst enemies. But now we're pretty close and I look up to him. A lot.

5. How many children would you like to have? (Or how many do you have?)

My golden number right now is four. And I know I'm kidding myself with this because, hello, I enjoy sleep and freedom! And birthing four children? Holy crap. I can barely handle period cramps. How am I going to get through labor? (Although I like to fool myself into thinking doctors will have devised a magical, natural pill that takes any labor pain away!) But I do want to have a few kids. Maybe.

6. What’s the best class you took in college?

Funny as it sounds, Introduction to Education. Although I ended up failing out of teaching, it was such a fun class that taught me so much. I felt that I had finally found my purpose and passion with this class. And, a requirement of the course, was to volunteer for 20 hours in a school so I was able to go back to my old elementary school and volunteer with my most favorite teacher EVAH, which was such a fun experience.

7. What was your favorite game to play when you were a child?

As an outside game, kickball. I loved the team aspect and the easiness of the sport. It was a fun game to play. As a board game, I was most definitely a Clue girl. I still love that game to this day. And now they have so many different types and I want to buy them all!

8. What character on Friends are you most like?

I'm definitely a Chandler. I know, I know. I should be a girl. But I'm not as flighty as Phoebe, as crazy as Monica, or as pretty as Rachel. I'm a Chandler. I'm funny and goofy like he is.

9. Are you a phone person? (ie: Do you like talking on the phone?)

NO! I hate it, hate it, hate it. I've never liked talking on the phone. I always get nervous when the phone rings and have an allergic reaction to calling people. (Sweaty palms, beating heart, body heating up.) I just want to text or e-mail everyone.

10. What was the best vacation you ever took?

My trip to Virginia/West Virginia when I was 12. It was my first time seeing snow and going skiing. The trip up there wasn't too much fun with seven of us crammed in a van with ALL of our luggage. But when we arrived in Virginia, it was snowing. It was my first time ever seeing that in real life so 12-year-old Stephany was amazed. I sucked at skiing but it was still a lot of fun. (I ended up dropping a pole once and then a SKI once on the ride up the mountain.) And after four days in Virginia, we traveled to West Virginia where we went to another ski resort to ski at night. This is also the state where I learned of the circle of life when my grandfather killed a deer.

Frail Hope

I've been pretty vocal on this blog about my father. The last time I saw him was November 24, 2007 after I called him to invite him to a small birthday celebration I was having. So he came. I went out to dinner with him, my mom, and my brother. And then we came back to my house to eat cake and ice cream and play some board games.

I would definitely say this is one of my favorite birthday memories. It was like old times, the four of us together again. We laughed and joked around. We had some meaningful conversations. And I felt like this was a new beginning in our relationship. My dad was going to try harder at being a father. I just knew it.

But then I didn't hear from him. He called my brother plenty of times, always asking him to do something for him or for money. But he never called me. So I decided to wait him out, see how long it would take him to call me.

I never imagined it would take him over 2 years. And honestly, I'm still waiting on that phone call.

On Tuesday night of last week, I got a friend request via Facebook from his girlfriend. I was freaking out, wondering how she found me and why she requested me as a friend. A few minutes later, I got a Facebook message - from my father.

That's when I really started freaking out. The title of the message was, "from dead beat dad ." I couldn't read it. I was so, so scared. What would it say? Was he going to blame me for everything again? Was this a message that would change everything? Was he finally going to admit he had done wrong and he was sorry?

I waited until my mom came home from work to open up the message and we read it together. And then I deflated. Here was his message: "i hope you get over this hate for me but if not i guess thats it .sometimes in live you just got to let go and let people be who they are .good luck to you and if you write me back my e-mail is --- love ya always your dead beat dad."

Once again, no responsibility. Once again, it's still my fault. Once again, he let me down.

I called my brother after I read it and read the message to him. He summed my feelings up perfectly in one word: "Unbelievable."

I'm 22 years old. I should know by now that my dad is going to forever let me down. He's never going to be the father I want and need him to be. He's never going to admit to any wrongdoing. One of these days, I'm going to stop getting my hopes up. One day, it's going to be too late for anything he does to cause any effect on me.

There has been a letter forming deep within my soul. A letter to my father. A letter that I give to him and he knows just how much he hurt me growing up and now. A letter I wanted to write but never thought I would have the chance to give to him. But I'm going to write that letter. And he's going to get it. And, still, I am holding onto frail hope that this will be the catalyst to change things.

Another List for Friday

One of these days, I'm going to think of a catchy name for this. I was thinking on it a few days ago and thought to myself, "Oh! How about Five on Friday?!" And then I realized how familiar it sounded. So...yeah. Still thinking.

• My grandma went in for a PET scan last week. Her last 3 have been clean, although on her last one, they found a spot of something on her lung. Since the doctors didn't know what it was, they weren't too concerned. Well, that spot has grown and is now cancer. Boo. There is good news, though. The cancer is small and treatable. It's only 10 millimeters long and she'll have to have surgery to remove it, and then take a chemotherapy pill. (Yes! A pill!) Luckily, the chemotherapy won't be as strong as it was her first time around so she won't be as incredibly sick and weak as she was before. Still, it's scary and I'm not very happy about this!
• I've run into a big problem this week: lunch. I'm not a girl who likes to skip meals. I like to eat and get extremely cranky and weak if I don't get my nourishment. But I didn't seem to schedule enough time between work and classes and my internship to have time for lunch. The two days I'm having the most trouble with are Tuesdays and Thursdays when I go straight from work to a class and then have about 30 minutes between the end of class and the start of my internship. Only I have to use that time to change from Preschool Teacher (i.e., uniform, no make-up, messed-up hair) to Professional Intern. It doesn't leave a lot of time to eat lunch. I know I need to start scheduling my time better, because this can't continue! A busy girl needs food!
  
• I'm really, really interested in buying my own domain. And I want to move this blog over to WordPress. I talked to two girls about it and am fairly certain of how to make the switch. But I need your help! Who would you recommend me buying a domain from? I've only really heard two names thrown around: Go Daddy and BlueHost. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE give me some ideas! I will love you forever and ever, amen.
• Well, I'm now a freelancer for my school's newspaper. I was really upset I didn't make it on as a full-time staffer but this is probably a better situation for me. As a full-time staffer, I would've had to write 2 stories a week but a freelancer only has to write 2 stories a month. It'll probably be much easier to handle, but now I have to think of something to write about! Yikes!
• Also, for all you football fans! GO COLTS this weekend! I'm not too picky on the NFC Championship game because it would be great to see Brett Favre in another Superbowl but then the Saints deserve a Superbowl trip, too! Both are extremely great football teams and I'm looking forward to a good game! (Although, I could care less about a good game with the AFC Championship game. I just want the Colts to beat up the Jets!)
  

Does This Make Me Doubly Beautiful?

Two blog friends, Ashley and Michelle, gave me the same award. And since it's called the "Beautiful Blogger Award" and I was given it twice, it means I'm doubly beautiful. Right? Right. Thanks, girls!

For this award, I must:

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated me for this award

2. Copy the award & place it on my blog

3. Link to the person who nominated me for this award

4. Share 7 interesting things about myself

5. Nominate 7 bloggers

My seven interesting facts are:

1. I have never stepped foot out of this country. And I'm really envious of anyone who has.

2. I've only traveled to 5 states. FIVE! And I'm counting my home state in those five. Pretty sad, for someone who's 22.

3. I would rather sit in my sweats, watching sports, than all prettied-up at a bar.

4. I have an unnatural huge crush on Peyton Manning. I think it's his brain and his talent that turns me on so much.

5. My favorite movie of all time is Tommy Boy. If you haven't seen it, you should.

6. I think about my future husband every day. I'm so incredibly in love of the idea of him. And I can't wait to meet him!

7. I'm addicted to Twitter. I probably check it 20 times a day. Seriously.

My seven nominated bloggers:

1. Jenfer at Pearls and Politics
2. Krysten at After I Do
3. Samantha at A Change of Pace
4. Laura at A Little Coffee
5. Meghan at Blog Voyeur Turned Blogwhore
6. Lauren at In Her Two Shoes
7. Alyssa at My Husband's Watching TV

"I'm Praying For You."

Well, not really.

See, my prayer life has been non-existent for, oh, the last 6 months? Or maybe even longer. Except for those quick, "Oh, please Jesus, let me make it to class on time," I don't send many prayers up towards Heaven these days.

I have this real problem with gullibility and it makes me question everything I believe about my faith. Which I think is good, in a way. I don't think we should ever get too comfortable in our faith and I also think we need to have a reason why we believe what we do. It's not enough for me to say, "Jesus died on the cross for my sins." I want to dig deeper into my faith and know why this is true.

But when I read the Bible, it seems all my questions and doubts make their nasty way into my head where I can't even read a simple Proverb without questioning it's rightness. And I do believe the Bible is the ultimate truth and nobody will ever tell me different. (So don't even try.) But it's been tough going with my faith lately.

I know I need to start searching for answers and I am desperately seeking a mentor who can guide me through the Bible and all it's nuances. And I desperately need to rebuild my relationship with Jesus. Because as much as He's pursuing me and looking after me, I keep turning the other way.

Which brings me back to my first point. I noticed in the past months, I was telling other people whenever they were facing some sort of hardship that I was praying for them. And I'm not. I hate being this honest but I'm hoping this blog post will be cathartic in some way to me, which is why I'm writing it. Whenever someone tells me, they're praying for me, it lifts my spirits. It bolsters me and I hate, hate, hate that I would do that to someone and not pray for them.

So I've stopped saying it. I can't lie anymore and tell you I'm praying for you, no matter how perfect it seems to fit in the moment. And maybe a lot of you aren't as naive as I am. Maybe when you hear someone tell you that they're praying for you, you just smile but don't sink deep into the meaning of their words. But I can't do it anymore. I can't say I'll do something as important as praying and not do it. It seems so incredibly wrong to me.

I am working on my relationship with Jesus. It's slow going, mostly on my part. But I have started a prayer list and I do want to start intently praying for people who need it. Even if they don't believe in it, I want to pray for them. So I wrote this blog and I'm a little nervous about the comments I'll get. But I had to write it. I had to write down my feelings and put it all out there.

Praying for you? I will.

Ten on Tuesday (vol. 10)

Another edition of Ten on Tuesday! Also, Chelsea is having another (and final! For now!) giveaway where you could win adorable labels for your mail! I don't send out much snail mail but these labels are enough to make me want to! Head on over to her giveaway post where she has FIVE ways to win. And she's picking 3 winners this week!

1. Favorite book(s) when you were a child and why?

I was probably the biggest fan of The Baby-Sitters Club you could ever meet. Funny thing is, I've only babysat maybe twice in my entire life. But I loved this series because of the characters. After just reading the first novel, I grew close to Kristy, Claudia, Mary-Anne, Stacey (who was sophisticated. Can I just tell you how much I loved that word when I was eight?), Mallory and Jessie. And then Dawn was introduced and later Abby. I loved these girls and felt like they were my closest friends. A part of me really wants to re-read the series!

2. First “grown-up” book you remember reading (i.e. written for adolescents or with adult themes, such as The Outsiders or Catcher in the Rye).

OK. This is weird to admit. And I'm taking the adult theme a little far, maybe. But when I was in middle school, I was over at my dad's house one weekend and didn't have anything to read. So he found a book of my grandma's to read. Only it was an adult book, as in adult themes. As in, kissing and sex and naked bodies. I devoured that book and probably read it 3 or 4 times in the next few weeks. It definitely wasn't a book a 13-year-old should be reading and, honestly, I don't know why my dad ever thought it was a good idea for me to read it!

3. Favorite movie that came from a book (even if you didn’t read the book and just love the movie).

I would have to say The Notebook. I never read the book but loved the movie so, so much that I'm a little scared to read the book. I know books are usually better than the movies but still, this movie was so good! Also, laugh all you want, but The Princess Diaries. Books were AMAZING and the movies were cute as well.

4. Movie that you loved so much that you WISHED there was a book out so that you could find out more about the movie.

Hm...can I say Leap Year? I just saw the movie so it's fresh in my mind. And I thought it was such an adorable chick flick and can't stop thinking about it. Man, this is a bad answer. Moving on...

5. Worst book you’ve ever read?

There are so many! Mostly, those corny chick-lit/romance novels that are so cheesy and use stupid words that nobody uses anymore.

6. Book that everyone raves about that you either a) haven’t read and feel slightly dumb for not having read it or b) have tried to read and hated and so feel slightly dumb that everyone is getting something you don’t.

Twilight. The Harry Potter series. And most of Emily Giffin's books. I only really liked Something Borrowed and Baby Proof. Her other two haven't really done anything for me. She takes so darn long for the story to get started and my attention span just can't stay with a book until Chapter 12, when everything really seems to get interesting.

7. If you were forced to choose only 3 books that you could read for the rest of your life, which ones would they be? (Or if you were stranded on a desert island, which 3 books would you want there with you?).

Miss Match by Erynn Mangum for a fun, pleasure read; Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy to keep me centered; and The Bible because it's a pat answer that I should write, right?

8. Name one book that if you could recommend that everyone you know read, what is it?

I don't know about everyone, but one book I would recommend to any girl to read is Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. It's such a radical book that transformed the way I thought of God and a relationship with Him. I've read it multiple times and I could read it again and again. I love it.

9. What is your “guilty pleasure” reading?

I read a lot of trashy romance novels. You know the type: guy meets girl, guy kisses girl, guy takes girl's clothes off, guy and girl have sex, guy and girl realize they're in love with one another, guy and girl get married and live happily ever after. There's no literature value to it but it helps me escape. Ha!

10. What book (excepting the Bible or other major document of your religion/faith) has changed your outlook on life the most?

Refer to Question #8. I can't talk enough about this book! It really transformed my life. The main message of the novel is having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, whom she calls our Prince. And the book focuses on how much God loves us, pursues after us, and desperately wants a close, intimate relationship with Him.

Belief

And no, I'm not talking about religious belief. I'm talking about self-belief. And the fact that I have none.

I went to a information meeting about my school's newspaper a week ago. Although I know that I don't want to work for a newspaper when I graduate, I still think it would be an awesome opportunity for me and look good on my resume. (Because, after all, isn't that why we all try so hard?)

I left the meeting with mixed emotions. On one hand, I was extremely excited and looking forward to submitting my application and becoming a part of the staff. But on the other hand, weighing a lot more, were the doubts that crept into my mind.

In the meeting, there were people who seemed so much more capable than me to be a part of the newspaper. They were throwing out ideas left and right, getting involved, and asking question after question. And there I sat, quiet and doubtful.

Could I really be a part of the newspaper staff? Was I good enough?

This is probably the first time I've ever admitted this. And maybe it's the first time I've ever seen it for what is is.

I don't believe in myself.

And I long to come across as a self-assured, twenty-something. A girl who has experienced life, it's highs and lows and has come out with a positive attitude. I want to be a girl who believes she can do anything she sets her mind to. But the truth is, I'm not.

I saw this last semester where I got 100% on every single paper I wrote in two classes. Instead of reveling in my successes, I had doubts. Did the professor really read that paper? Was it just grammatically sound, so she gave me the A+? Did she just skim through it and because she was behind on grading, just give me the A+ because it looked OK?

When I lost 25 pounds in 2007, I was probably at my highest point. I was active and healthy. I was losing weight and feeling good about myself. But when I gained it all back in 2008 and failed miserably any attempts at weight loss in 2009, doubts came crawling back. And now the only thing I feel every day when I attempt this healthy lifestyle is doubt. Can I do this? Remember all those other times you failed? Yeah, you're doing good now but just wait a month. You'll fall back onto old habits.

It's really hard to live a successful, capable life with doubts. It has held me back from so much in life. It's become a part of who I am and I long to rid myself of this heartache.

But how does one attain belief in oneself? Tough question. If I knew the answer, I wouldn't have doubts. I don't think there's any miracle cure. I can't swallow a pill, drink a shake, or read a book to achieve self-belief. It has to come from inside me.

Maybe it's just taking all those doubts and keeping them in the forefront of my mind as I venture into unknown lands. Maybe I just need to prove to myself first and foremost that I can do anything I set my mind to. I can get this newspaper job, scary as it may seem, and do my best to be a success. I can keep eating healthy and exercising and not let setbacks hold me down for long. And stop looking at it as a way to lose weight, but a way to become healthy. And I can take every good grade I receive as recognition of my talent. And give myself some credit where credit is due.

What about you? How is your self-belief?

A List for Friday

• My first week of the semester is done. It's been exhausting, exciting, and extremely stressful. Monday was horrible, Tuesday was fantastic, Wednesday was tiring, and Thursday was lovely. Luckily, I was able to get into the Tuesday afternoon class which is the best news of my week. I'm excited about this semester! I think I'm going to learn so much about journalism itself and where I fit in the journalism world. And I'm going to be tired. Very tired.
• I have applied to become part of my school's newspaper. I don't remember how many staff writers they're hiring, but if I don't make the staff position, I can be a freelance writer. It was really nerve-wracking to be in the meeting and hear people throwing out story ideas. Newspaper journalism is not somewhere I want to be but I think it'll be such a great learning experience and also give my confidence a boost.
• I really, really want to redesign my layout for this blog. I know exactly what I want my blog to look like but I'm not HTML-savvy at all and have no idea how I would even begin to create my own blog layout. Any tips?
• The first week of my internship went really well. I didn't do much this week but some amazing opportunities have presented themselves for next week. I really think this internship is going to help me have some belief in myself. I can't wait to get more involved with the company!
• My weight loss efforts really stalled this week. I'm so upset with myself and I just want this year to be different and for me to finally start living a healthy lifestyle and drop the weight. I just need to stop making excuses. That is what this whole week has been - excuses. And it's really hard to start each week, worrying about when I'm going to fail. Not if, when. It's such a sad mentality to have.
• I've been doing fairly well on achieving my monthly goals. After my utter December failure, I've been really focused on them. I've started running and have made two brand-spankin'-delicious meals in the Crock-Pot. (Well, I made one and my mom made the other.) I've been working towards credit card payments and loved all the comments about paying them off. My balance on the cards are $300, $500, and $3,000 so it's not going to take me long to pay off the first two. I'm hoping I can get them paid off by June. The third credit card is going to take a while to pay off but I will do it! Somehow, someway. Unfortunately, I'm still having trouble "finding" time for God. I don't want to make it leftover time, as in "OK, God. I finally have time to sit down and talk to You! What's up?" I want it to be meaningful and it might require me to fast something (i.e., TV, Internet) to make this time meaningful. And my 101 in 1,001 list is coming along fabulously. I have set aside some goals I want to start accomplishing soon, have a few in progress, and even got to complete my goal of getting 20 comments on a blog post! It's happened TWICE! This excites me immensely. IMMENSELY!

Does This Mean I'm Somebody Now?

Sorry for the lack of postings this week. I think I underestimated how much my weekdays were going to take out of me so I think there's a lot of time management that's going to have to happen, especially on the weekends. But I do hope to get back to writing normal blog posts again, even if I have to write them on Saturday and schedule them throughout the week!

And I said all that to say this: I'm guest blogging today! Check me out at Swinging From the Chandelier where I talk about how I got to where I'm at now. It's my first time as a guest blogger so show me some love! (Yes. Pity comments count!)

Ten on Tuesday (vol. 9)

Another installment of one of my favorite features: Ten on Tuesday. If you complete these questions on your own blog, head on over to Roots and Rings to link up! Also, since we're talking about R&R, she's having another awesome giveaway! This time she's giving two lucky readers their choice of adorable calendars, be it a wall calendar or a desk calendar! Go here to enter.

1. Are you usually late, early, or right on time?

I'm either super early or super late. I hate being super early and I really hate being super late. I always get extremely tense when I think I'm going to be late somewhere but I'm almost never on time for anything.

2. What is your middle name?

Marie.

3. What are the last 4 digits of your cell phone?

Yeah...I'm not going to answer that.

4. How big is your bed?

It's a queen and I love it so, so much. It's my favorite piece of furniture.

5. What are you allergic to?

Once, I took a dose of Nyquil and immediately broke out in hives and got so, so hot. I went to bed, thinking I would meet Jesus during the night but nothing happened. Since then, I've been way too scared to take any more Nyquil, or even Dayquil. I don't know if I'm really allergic to this but I could be, so it kinda counts.

6. What is the first thing you do in the morning?

I turn off my alarm and take the dog out. And if I don't have an alarm, I still have to take him out. And sometimes he sits on my head and licks my face until I get up and take him out. He's quite the persistent little dude!

7. What was your favorite TV show growing up?

Growing Pains, even though I only started watching the show once Disney Channel start showing reruns. It was such a great show and I probably saw the entire season 3 or 4 times. My brother was 100% Mike and I was 100% Carol. Best. Show. EVER!

8. Will you, or did you, go to your 10 year high school reunion?

I want to! It's not for another 6 years so I'm hoping to be a lot more slimmer and successful. The class I graduated was extremely small so we were a close-knit group, since we didn't have a normal high school experience. I still keep in contact with a lot of them and some of them are oodles and oodles more successful than me already. But I can't wait and think it'll be fun!

9. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?

My dad asked me this question once, when I was taking a psychology class. And I swear I thought of this question by himself. Naive little thing I am! Anyway, according to Merriam-Webster, a sound is "the sensation perceived by the sense of hearing." So if there's no one around to hear it, then no, it doesn't make a sound.

10. What, in your opinion, is the greatest invention? (You know, since sliced bread…)

The Internet, of course! I mean, it fulfills all your needs: entertainment, news, recipes, tutorials, TV shows, movies, etc. There is nothing better than the Internet, I tell ya, nothing!

I Have Baggage

I have baggage. Internship baggage. And with this baggage comes some extreme anxiety and nervousness when approaching anything related to interning.

I start my fourth internship on Tuesday. And while it's completely different from my previous three, it still has the label of "Internship." And it still scares me to death.

My previous internships all took place in elementary school classrooms. My first one was in a first-grade classroom where I went one day a week for 15 weeks. My second one was in a fourth-grade classroom where I went two days a week for 17 weeks. My third one was in another fourth-grade classroom where I went five days a week and became a full-time teacher.

My first internship was smooth sailing and actually quite fun. I worked under a great teacher who really taught me a lot. I realized in this internship that teaching wasn't as easy as it looked but it was fun and I enjoyed it. And I was super excited to start my next internship in a grade level I was more interested in.

My second internship was horrible. The teacher I worked under was kooky and so burnt out from teaching. She told me one day, and I quote, "Are you sure you really want to be a teacher? Because if I had to do it all over again, I would never have become a teacher." Oh, how I enjoyed her pep talks!

Anyway, this was the first time I ever questioned whether I was on the right path. This teaching business was no joke. It was tough and hard and I wasn't the best at it. I could make lesson plans that would rock your socks off. But executing them? I struggled. And it didn't help when my supervising professor and teacher offered no support for me. While I could rock my education classes and had so much fun in them, I felt so lost in my internships. I was a fish out of water in the elementary schools as an intern.

My third internship actually managed to be even worse than the previous one. For this internship, I basically became a teacher. I worked in the classroom all day for five days a week. By my 4th or 5th week, I had to be fully teaching every subject. I also had two different teachers I worked under. In the morning, I started with Lady Teacher where I taught reading and writing. In the afternoon, I moved to another classroom with my students to Guy Teacher where I taught math, science, and social studies.

Honestly, I thought I was doing good. Lady Teacher and Guy Teacher never had anything bad to say about the job I was doing. I knew I wasn't perfect and I was making a lot of rookie mistakes but wasn't that what the internship was about? To prepare us for full-on teaching? I felt even more like a fish out of water as I never really connected with my teachers and felt that my supervising professor (who was the same one who "supervised" me in my second internship) was rooting for me to fail. I had a review about 6 or 7 weeks into teaching where I found out I wasn't doing as well as they hoped, but that "many of their interns start out this way." They didn't seem concerned so I wasn't too concerned.

Only they told my professor that I was doing an awful job. We had a sit-down meeting one afternoon, shortly after they gave me my review, and I bawled throughout the entire thing. I'm embarrassed to admit it now but I felt so dumbfounded by this information, since they had told me that this was normal! During the meeting, my teachers didn't have that much to say and no real advice was given to help me improve. So I had to go at it alone, find out what I was doing wrong, and how I could fix it.

October 29th is the day that will live in infamy for me for a long, long while. It was the day I was told by my professor that there was no way I would pass my internship. ME! Who had flown through school, passing classes and acing classes like it was no big deal, was going to fail an internship. And not just any internship - my final internship. The last requirement I needed to graduate college.

I don't have good memories of my internships. As much as I would like to blame my supervising teachers (although I do admit they are partly to blame), the ultimate responsibility falls to me. For some reason, I wasn't good enough. It seems like such a simple thing - teaching. It doesn't occur to you that you could be bad at it. And I am. It's been really hard to admit that I was bad at teaching and even harder to write this blog post. I'm a fairly capable human being and school has been something I've always excelled at. So to fail an internship felt like the ultimate bomb to my self-esteem and emotions.

But I've moved on. I've discovered I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to wake up every day with fear and trepidation of what the day will bring. I don't want to arrive at my job with nervous anxiety of how I'm going to teach this subject or that subject.

I'm a journalism student. Writing is where my heart lies. Writing is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Writing is my escape and my serenity. And I have fallen so head over heels in love with my passion.

So next week, I will start my fourth internship. This time, it won't be in an elementary-school. This time, it will be a media internship. And I am going to take all that baggage that's been holding me back and place it in the hands of my Heavenly Father. He can shoulder my burdens and give me a fresh attitude to arrive at this internship as a new woman. And I'm thinking He's pretty good at that.

School, Schmool

I start another semester of school on Monday. Unlike last semester, I'm not very excited about this. Well, I'm a tad bit more excited than I was a few weeks ago. I think I've forgotten a little how hectic and crazy and stressed a semester is.

Last semester was my first time working 30+ hours while attending a full load of courses. And I'm not going to lie, it was intense. I don't think I've ever felt so stressed out and tired as I did last semester, especially with a crazy move in the midst of it. But I managed through it and ended up with 3 A's and an Almost A (it was an 89.96% and my professor didn't bump it up to an A. He gave me a B+. But I'm calling it an Almost A because I was so close.)

I don't feel settled about this semester yet. There's one class I'm trying to get into and I'm on 3 separate waiting lists for the sections that are offered. On Tuesday, I received an e-mail saying they had opened up another class. (FINALLY!) So I shot off an e-mail to get the permit to take the class and I'm still waiting to hear back. If I can get into this class, which is on Monday nights, it would work perfectly with my schedule and I wouldn't have to quit my job!

My other classes are set. (Although, if I do get into the above-mentioned class, I would drop one of my classes, to keep me at 12 credit hours.) I'm taking an internship, which will be my fourth one I've taken but seeing as my other three internships were in an elementary school setting, it will be much, much different. Two of the classes I'm taking are extremely close to my heart so I'm very excited about them. I think I'll really get a feel for what I think I want to do when I graduate, so I can discover if it's something I'm truly passionate about.

I'm having some major internship anxiety right now, something I'm going to talk more about tomorrow. I have a lot of baggage when it comes to internship, based on my past experiences.

So while the level of excitement isn't the same as it was last semester, I'm still very excited about the possibilities and experiences that await me as I begin my third semester as a journalism student. And once I finish this one, I only have two semesters (and 5 classes!) until I graduate!

Unfinished Business

I was recently given three blog awards (and by recently I mean a month ago) by two extra special blog friends. And then I got caught up with the holiday season and end of the year recap posts and kept forgetting about the awards.

But I do have my faults and I love to brag and boast about my accomplishments. So, without further ado...

From Amanda at Teasingly Diverse:










I'm not sure what this award is about, other than the fact that it reminds me of fairies and mystical creatures, something I'm not familiar with at all.

The rules are as follows:
1. Put the logo on your blog/post.
2. Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.
5. Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award.
6. Have F~U~N

I'll take the easy way out and give this award to my last five followers: Linda, Ashley, Barbetti, Stacie, and Michelle.

From Michelle at Things I Said and Meant to Say:












How adorable is this award, by the way? It's so pink and cute and has cupcakes on it. LOVE!

The rules:
1. Copy the award image in your post.
2. List 10 things that make you happy, and try to do at least one of them today.
3. Then, tag 10 bloggers that make you happy! (I've got quite a long list over there on my left sidebar!)
4. For the 10 bloggers who get the award, link back to me and spread the happiness!

Ten things that make me happy:

1. My iPod Touch. I seriously underestimated how amazing this little piece of technology is. It's a lot like having an iPhone...without the Internet coverage (I have to rely on wi-fi to get a connection), camera, or phone capabilities. But I still think it's pretty great and it's so much nicer than my crappy iPod shuffle that only held 137 songs. Pretty pathetic.

2. Old Navy. Not only do they have great, casual clothes but I bought a pair of size four skinny jeans there last week. Size four. I am not a size four. But in Old Navy land, I am. And that's why I love them so much - they make me feel like a Skinny Person.

3. Blog comments. Seriously, I love them.

4. Blog followers. I love them, too!

5. Cleaning. My mom may laugh at this one, but it is true! I just have to be in the mood for it! When I get into the mood, I turn on some music and clean to my little heart's content. It's very relaxing, a good time-waster, and even helps to get some activity in! And the house always looks so much better when clean, don't you agree?

6. Chocolate. I've probably eaten my body weight in chocolate in December. I lost any ability to resist it and I'll admit I probably went a bit crazy. But a new year is upon us and I need to get back on track and lose this belly of mine. So I'm definitely drastically reducing my chocolate intake, which is going to be very hard and I really hope my body doesn't go into shock.

7. My family. We had family come over to ring in the New Year and had such a fun time! We ate some good food, played games, laughed way too much, and just enjoyed each other's company. And considering the fact that I've had two friends lose family members to cancer this month (one friend had her 12-year-old brother die while the other lost her father), it was so nice to see my grandma, healthy and happy this year. Last NYE, she was way too sick from chemotherapy to celebrate with us. We are so blessed that God gave us a "yes" when we prayed for healing for her.

8. Sleep. This four week break from school has been so nice! While I do still have to wake up at 5am for work, I have my afternoons and nights for myself. Lately, I've been getting off work at noon and I really haven't been very productive over my break. I've been coming home to nap, fool around online, read. I haven't been exercising or working on my novel at all. But it's been nice to be a lazy bum. I only have one week left to do it!

9. Vera Bradley. It took me a few years to buy into this new style. I've been skeptical for a while, mainly because it seems people only buy one of her styles. But I went onto her website during the holiday season, looking for a gift for my sister-in-law and found a world of purses and accessories I had never seen before! I've ordered a laptop bag and a big tote for school, which I am so excited to get! And she has so many other cute things: wallets, binders, planners, eyeglass cases, beach bags, make-up bags... I don't want to become one of those people who has all Vera Bradley stuff, but gosh, why not? They're all so cute!

10. Goals. I love writing down goals, whether long-term or short-term. I love having something I need to achieve. It keeps life from becoming mundane and dry. And it always gives me something to push towards.

This award goes out to the following five people who make me smile: Chelsea, Courtney Rae, Amanda, Lauren, and Emily Jane.

From Lauren at Her Silent Musings:

I'm supposed to name 5 things I like to do and give this award to 5 more bloggers.

1. Sleep.
2. Play "Sally's Spa" on my iTouch. I'm addicted to this game now and it makes me feel like a little girl again.
3. Blog. Another addiction of mine. I love writing blogs, reading blogs, getting comments, giving comments, and every single blog friend I have made. This is such a fun community to belong to!
4. Watch football. Sadly, we just have 3 weeks of playoffs, the Pro-Bowl, and the Superbowl before it's all over until August.
5. Starting the semester. By mid-semester, I'm so sick of everything to do with school but I love the newness of a new semester, new books, new classes, new school supplies, and a new schedule to get used to.

And to five bloggers that I seriously consider friends (and I hope you feel the same way. Otherwise, this is really awkward.): Amber, Nanny, Kaitlyn, Shalay and Sarah Lynn.

December Goals Check-In/January Goals

In December, I decided to start making small, month-long goals. Aside from New Years resolutions, I've never really sat down and written out goals that I could see myself achieve in the short term. I usually make goals such as losing weight, drawing closer to God, and graduating from college. And long-term goals are important. But so are short term goals. Short term goals map out how you get to achieve those long-term goals. So while losing weight isn't a bad goal to have, my monthly goals help me achieve it.

A recap of my December goals:
1. Start running again. Not only did I not achieve this, I didn't run at all in the month of December! Epic fail.
2. Stick to the program and lose weight. Another failure since I decided to stop attending Weight Watchers in December after falling so off-track during Thanksgiving. I hope to go back to WW but I'm waiting to see if I still have a job after mid-January. It's all depending on a certain class. If I get into the class, I lose my job. If I don't, I keep my job but there's a good chance this (required) class may not be offered until next spring. Yikes! (And I need the job to pay for WW.)
3. Start writing again. Man, I promised myself once classes were over that I needed to get back to writing. I have all the time in the world yet I still haven't opened that document in months.
4. Finish my 101 in 1,001 Days. Yay, complete! This was a monster to finish but I did get it done, just in time for New Years.
5. Start a strength-training program. Yikes! Another epic failure. Actually, I had planned to get together all my tear-out pages of Shape magazine of exercises I wanted to try. And then I spilled a Stouffer's dinner on them and it was so yucky, I had to throw them all away.

That's pretty bad. One goal out of five completed. Oh, well! New month, new year, new decade! I'm ready for some change!

Complete or start at least three items on my 101 in 1,001 list. I made the list, posted it, and now it's time to get to work! I'm starting small with just three in the hopes I can actually achieve this. There are two goals I'm already working on but I would like to have at least one, if not two, of those goals marked off by the end of January.

Make one new meal a week. My mom and I have been in a cooking rut this past month. It's been a crazy month so we haven't felt like cooking too many times. We're hoping to get back into the groove of things, start eating healthier, and cooking at home more. She was given a Crock-Pot for Christmas so we'll definitely be utilizing it! We have a bunch of go-to dinner choices that we use frequently (spaghetti, Shake-N-Bake chicken, tacos, etc.) but we both get a little nervous to step out of our comfort zone and cook a new and different meal. But I think we need to.

Start running, using the Couch-to-5K running plan. I haven't ran since Thanksgiving and I really want 2010 to be the Year I Lost Weight And Became A Runner. My goal is to run in the 5K Bay to Bay race on March 21st. This gives me a little less than 11 weeks to be in 5K shape. But it also gives me a goal and something to work towards.

Start paying at least $50 to Credit Card #1 and Credit Card #2, as well as paying something to Credit Card #3. For the past year, I've just been paying the minimum balance on two of my credit cards which is always less than $20. And then there's the third credit card of which I have a rather large limit on and have gotten very behind on payments. So my minimum balance is quite high. But I want to start paying them something, just to show I'm trying. I really want to get rid of two of the credit cards and stick to the one my bank gave me. Credit card debt is never something I thought I would ever find myself in, especially seeing how my parents struggled with it. But I have and I'm ready to pay them off, get rid of the cards and build my credit back up.

Establish a time of the day to have quiet time with God. I desperately need to get back to having quiet time with God. It will probably have to be at night, since I have to be at work very early in the morning. But I need to map out the time, what I want to accomplish during that time, and start doing it. I need to get back to reading my Bible, praying, and seeking God more. I don't do it enough.

Also, I started a blog dedicated solely to my weight loss and fitness goals. I'm still going to talk about them on here but this blog delves into everything in much greater detail. It is not a blog where I list what I ate for the day and my exercise. Instead, it's a blog where I'm trying to figure out how I got to the weight I am, how I'm going to change my habits, and follows my weight loss journey. Check it out: Blogging to Lose.

One Year Ago

One year ago yesterday, I traveled up to Lakeland to pick up this little bundle of fun:


And he has completely intertwined himself into our family. All it took was a short, 45-minute drive home for him to completely wrap himself around my finger.

He arrived a little less than 7 months after the death of my beloved Minnie. Minnie was a dog my mom picked out at the SPCA when I was in fourth grade and we had 11 years before she was diagnosed with lymphoma. We found out about her cancer in late April and we had to put her to sleep on June 8th. It was the saddest day of my life, I have to say.

It took me a while to get over her death but by November, my mom and I were ready for a new dog. I am most definitely a dog person and it was rough not having a dog jumping all over me when I came home.

And then Dutch came to us. My grandma's sister gave him to us when she couldn't keep him anymore. And a mini-dachshund is exactly the kind of dog I wanted.



Dutch has been such a blessing to have. He's become such an integral part of my life. He sleeps snuggled up next to me. He jumps all over me and kisses every inch of my face when I come home. He curls up on my lap when I'm watching a movie or a TV show. He's the ultimate buddy and I'm so happy he's my dog.

Happy Anniversay, Dutchy-Boy! I love you more and more each day.

101 in 1,001 Days

The Mission: To complete 101 tasks in 1001 days.
The Criteria: Tasks must be specific, measurable, and well defined. They must also be realistic but require some amount of work to complete.
Started: January 1, 2010
Deadline: September 29, 2012
Items Completed: 1/101
Not Done
In Progress
Completed
Notes with links
(Yep...I stole this from Chelsea's blog. But, hey, I just gave some credit!)
1. Go on a cruise.
2. Get to my goal weight of 115 lbs.
3. Go to a bloggers meet-up.
4. Talk to someone about Christ, face to face.
5. Pay off all my credit card bills and get rid of my Old Navy and Target credit cards. (0/3)
6. Move my blog to my own domain name.
7. Go to NYC.
8. Ride on an airplane.
9. Run in five 5K's. (0/5)
10. Run in five 10K's. (0/5)
11. Complete a half-marathon.
12. Do a media internship and get good reviews.
13. Start scrapbooking my pictures.
14. Go on a short-term missions trip.
15. Become a day sponser for my local radio station.
16. Watch these 3 classic movies: Casablanca, Gone With the Wind, and It's a Wonderful Life. (0/3)
17. Win a blog giveaway.
18. Graduate with my Bachelor's degree.
19. Go on a hike.
20. Buy something off Etsy.
21. Save $500 dollars.
22. Get a massage.
23. Buy a kitchen table.
24. Eat 5 meals at the table, without the TV on or any other distractions. (0/5)
25. Buy a wreath for Christmas.
26. Give blood.
27. Spend a whole week, making meals from Weight Watchers recipes.
28. Stop drinking Coke for one week.
29. Visit a farmer's market.
30. Have a Chris Farley marathon with my brother.
31. Eat at 5 new restaurants. (0/5)
32. Memorize ten new Scriptures. (0/10)
33. Write 25,000 words in my story.
34. Write 50,000 words in my story.
35. Write 75,000 words in my story.
36. Write 100,000 words in my story.
37. Finish my story!
38. Donate $10 to a charity for each item not completed.
39. Do "A Picture A Day" - take a picture of myself once a day, for an entire year.
40. Make a video montage of "A Picture A Day"
41. Get an article published in a magazine.
42. Read through the entire Bible.
43. Pay for the person behind me in the drive-thru.
44. Switch to using only reusable shopping bags.
45. Participate in the three-day breast cancer walk.
46. Do something spontaneous.
47. Unplug for an entire weekend.
48. Go to a Miami Dolphins home football game.
49. Donate hair to Locks of Love.
50. Have a girl's night out.
51. Buy Photoshop.
52. Make and send Christmas cards.
53. Start a prayer list.
54. Send flowers to my mother's work.
55. Reach 100 followers on my blog.
56. Get a manicure and pedicure with my mom.
57. Get a facial.
58. Do a Beth Moore study.
59. Go to a woman's conference.
60. Buy a designer purse.
61. Send 5 people a "just because" card. (0/5)
62. Drink 70 ounces of water a day for an entire week.
63. Try a Spinning class.
64. Try a yoga class.
65. Get professional pictures done.
66. Watch the entire series of Friends.
67. Try out for a reality show.
68. Go to a concert.
69. Go to a Broadway show.
70. Buy presents for a needy child for Christmas.
71. Get 20 comments on a blog post.
72. Start a monthly feature of writing letters to my future husband.
73. Read all six novels by Jane Austen. (0/6)
74. Go jet-skiing.
75. Do something totally different with my hair.
76. Save $10 for each completed item.
77. Go to the zoo.
78. Take my twin cousins on a lunch date.
79. Do a crafty project for my home.
80. Buy salon-style shampoo and conditioner.
81. Consistently use facial cleanser and moisturizer for a month. (0/30)
82. Give platelets.
83. Go to a group fitness class with my mom.
84. Get blood work done.
85. See a gynecologist.
86. Watch the entire series of Gilmore Girls.
87. Run an 8-minute mile.
88. Get my bra size measured professionally.
89. Find a woman's Bible study.
90. Floss everyday for a month.
91. Get my wisdom teeth out.
92. Volunteer at a food bank.
93. Say what I feel once.
94. Start tracking my spending.
95. Start a personal journal.
96. Host a game night with friends.
97. Reconnect with an old friend, face to face.
98. Apply to graduate school.
99. Get a full-time, "grown-up" job.
100. Celebrate my blogoversary on August 22nd by hosting a giveaway.
101. Make another "101 in 1,001 Days" when this one is completed.