Review: The 30-Day Shred

Well, guys. I did it. I made a goal and stuck with it until the end. Even on the days I was exhausted, I did it. For 30 days straight, I had a date with Jillian Michaels, whether or not I liked it. I'm actually pretty surprised I completed this because I'm not the best at month-long challenges, especially regarding my health.

Let me just say that I totally recommend this workout for anyone, even if you don't exercise a lot. You don't have to do it for 30 days straight like I did, but it's an insanely good workout for anyone. In each level, she increases the intensity, switches up which muscles we're using, and you begin to feel your body change and become stronger.

Obviously, I did Level 1 for the first 10 days and then switched over to Level 2 for the next 10 days, finishing up my last 10 days on Level 3. While I loved the new routines on Days 1/2, I began to dread this workout by Day 7. It got very repetitive, especially doing the same exact routine for a week straight! I'm a girl who needs variety when exercising so this was tough for me.

While I'll be happy for this DVD to now cover itself in dust, I'm so happy I did this challenge. Not only did I show myself that I have the focus and determination to complete a challenge of this caliber, I also showed myself how strong I really am. I couldn't do every move in the high intensity, but when I was able to, it made me feel awesome.

And now I have a whole bunch of new moves to add in to the strength-training program I'm developing for my mom and me. I love how she managed to hit just about every muscle in your body. And a big plus? I CAN SEE MY ABS! I can't see a six-pack (or even a two-pack), but there's a definite definition in my stomach where my abs will someday be.

Now, let's talk about results. (Insert eye roll.) Weight-wise, I did horribly. I've been up and down all month and can't seem to get over this 145-lb hump. All in all, I gained half a pound this month. And I know the whole "muscle weighs more than fat" argument, but seriously, I should have lost some of this fat, ya think? I'll deal with my muscles when I don't worry about people asking me if I'm pregnant, capisce?

Luckily, I did manage to lose some inches this month. Here's the rundown:

Arms: No change. At all. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. (A.K.A. BOO!)
Thighs: Lost 1 inch. (YAY!)
Upper waist: Lost 1 inch. (Abs, baby!)
Lower waist: Lost 1.5 inches
Hips: Lost half an inch (Seriously? Seriously?!)

I'm just have to keep on pushing and challenging myself. I know I haven't been perfect at eating this month so I want to really get focused with that in June, as well as doing more intense exercises.

*I'm starting my media fast tomorrow morning, but I do have one post scheduled for later in the week. So be on the lookout for that!

Letters to My Future Husband: I'm Impatient

My love,

I'm becoming impatient. I see married friends, friends getting engaged, friends in relationships and I want to know when it will be my turn. When I will meet you. I'm so anxious to meet you, discover who you are, and mesh our lives together. But I know it's not my time yet. I know I am not ready to begin our relationship yet. I know God has set aside a specific time and place for our lives to begin.

I need to keep the focus on God. I have to rediscover my love for Him and find my place in the church again. Our relationship does not stand a chance if we are not both firm on the foundation of Christ. I have seen too many marriages and relationships crumble because of this fact, and I don't want it to happen to us.

I don't see the man I want to be with in any men I meet. I don't find guys who are strong Christians. Every guy I meet falls short of the expectations I have for you. Are my expectations too high? Do I expect too much out of you? Perhaps I do. But I know that Jesus did not call me to live a staid, boring life. He called me to live a life of fulfilled abundance. He wanted me to live a life filled with promise and hope. He wants so much out of my relationship with Him, so I just know in my heart that He wants me to have so much out of a relationship with you.

I know exactly the kind of man I want. I know I am not willing to settle for less than the best for me. I know God is not going to give me what's less than the best for me. I just have to practice patience. I have to keep waiting, keep praying for you. Because I know you're out there, a lily among the thorns. I know you're going to be one of a kind. (To put up with me, you kinda have to be!) And maybe I am expecting too much. But I would rather expect too much and never find it, than to expect too little and end up in a relationship that rips apart my soul.

But I know I'll find you, one day. We'll meet. Maybe we've already met. We'll have our fights and differences. We'll have our laughter and similarities. But it's going to be us against the world, Dear Husband. Because when you capture my heart, which is no easy feat, it's yours forever. There's no giving it back.

I'm impatient, but I'm waiting. I'm waiting on forever. I may be writing these letters for the next 10 years, but I'll patiently write these until I find you.

I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait for our love story to begin. It's going to be one for the record books.

I love you so, so much,

Your Future Wife

A State of Flux

Ever since the semester ended, I've been in a weird place. As crazy, time consuming, and hectic as last semester was, I enjoyed it. I was challenged beyond belief, exhausted by 10 AM, and more busy than I have ever been. But there was freedom in that. I was stretching and growing as a person and as a student. I was given tasks to complete and I did them, some greater than my biggest expectation.

And now I'm back to an easy, go with the flow life. I wake up at 5:30 AM, go to work, come home, watch a little TV, take a nap, read some blogs, rinse and repeat. There's no challenge, no focus, no excitement. It's back to my same blah existence that I had before. Sure, I felt better rested and less crazy but there's something magical about being busy and crazy. Something that makes you stand up and enjoy life.

I want that back. I want to be busy again. I want a new challenge.

I've been thinking a lot about goals. Where do I want to be this time next year? Who do I want to be? How can I stretch myself as a person? What's my five-year plan?

I made three New Year's resolutions which are pretty straight-to-the-point. I like those resolutions and have kept them at the forefront of my mind this year as I seek to achieve them by December 31. I have a "101 in 1001" goals list that keeps me motivated to take on new tasks and challenges.

But I want something bigger than that. I want to set some big goals and figure out how I am going to achieve them. I want to sit down and come up with a list of where/who I want to be in five years. I want to start living my life with intention every single day.

I never aimed to live the life of a normal college-aged girl. But I also never aimed to live the life of an eighty-year-old. I want to experience more of life, get a taste of the night life and traveling. I want to go to bed exhausted, but thrilled about my life. I want excitement, growth, change.

Next week, I'm going to start a week-long media fast. I'll disable Twitter and Facebook from my phone. I'm not going to read any blogs (so, um, don't post anything exciting. 'Kay?) or even go on the Internet. I'm allowing myself one hour of TV a night. I just want to take a step back from this fast-paced, high-tech digital world and find peace within myself. I want to take time in prayer with God, reading my Bible and doing my Bible study. I want to journal on paper and talk about things I'm too scared to bring to life on my blog. I want to experience life and not worry about sending a tweet about it the minute it happens. I want to figure out what I want out of life and how to get that.

I'm drifting right now. I'm not exactly sure where I want life to take me. I'm not exactly sure who I want along for the ride. But I'm just not happy with life right now. I want to take the negativity out and bring in the positive. I want to remember what it's like to be head over heels for Christ. And I want to reconnect with myself. I want to find myself again, away from Stephany Writes.

Friday Odds and Ends

• I ended up dropping two of my courses. I received an e-mail on Wednesday saying that if my tuition wasn’t paid in full, I would be dropped. I called the cashier’s office and was told I may or may not be dropped if I didn’t pay the whole thing. All in all, it came down to money. My books for the semester were going to cost close to $200. And on top of that, tuition was going to be $1,600. To be quite honest, I don’t have that kind of money. My mom is not rolling in dough and I need to help her out with bills as much as I can. So I’m back to square one: learning Spanish myself. Any tips?
  
• My hours were cut slightly at work. Our numbers are usually low in the summer and they’ve really been dropping like flies in the past week. We lost three toddlers in one week. The classroom I was in now only has five toddlers on roll, so I’m not needed in there. My boss has found things for me to do, though, and I’ve actually gotten a lot of hours this week due to people calling in. Yay for that?
  
• Honestly, the comments on my last post were the best ever. I was worried I would get a lot, “BUT YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!” and people would think I was being self-pitying and looking for comments. I wasn’t. I think it’s something every girl struggles, or has struggled, with. Also, as a side note, I did not mean to take a boob pic. It was supposed to show my non-collarbones and I really didn’t think as I posted that picture. But thanks for the sweet comments.
  
• Today, I start Level 3 of The 30-Day Shred challenge. I am proud to admit that I’ve done this challenge for 20 days straight. I’m surprised at this fact and that I’ve stuck with it. Honestly, the video is only 28 minutes long and I cannot understand how Biggest Loser contestants deal with her for hours and hours for four straight months! (Well, I do. And believe me, Jillian is good at pushing people to accomplish things they never thought they could.) I plan on giving a full report on the workouts, pounds/inches lost, and how I liked this when May is up. I will say that now every time I see Jillian outside of this video, I want to punch her in the face.
  
• Lately, I’ve been struggling with lunch. Luckily, my schedule permits so I can go home for lunch but I have such a tough time thinking of what to eat. I did the sandwich thing for a while (tuna, PB&J, turkey with lettuce) but it got old. Then I did the salad thing for a while but honestly, I can only have so much salad before it makes me want to vomit. I’m at a loss. Blog friends, or real life friends if you’re reading this, what do you eat for lunch? It doesn’t have to be quick and easy but I need some ideas!
  
• This post title and idea was stolen from Ashley. That is all.

Operation: Love Myself

My nose is too big. My teeth are too small. My smile is too narrow. My belly curves too much. My collarbones don’t stick out. My legs are too short. My eyes are too small. My arms are too large. I slump when I sit. My eyesight is horrible. My hair is never smooth and straight for very long. My face resembles that of a fifteen-year-old.
I’m constantly worrying about getting the pregnancy question when people look at my belly. I’m horrible at small talk. I don’t fit in with any specific group. I feel uncomfortable in bars and clubs. I hold myself back. I fear change. I don’t believe in myself. I can’t take a compliment.
Bottom line: I don’t love myself.
When I look in the mirror, 9 times out of 10, I’m cringing at the way my hair has curled or the way my make-up has made my face look greasy or the way my body looks in that specific outfit.
Last week, Kerri wrote this amazing post on self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has never been something that has come easily for me. I was never the popular girl in school. I’m not the type of girl that gets a second glance by a guy. I’m not the one who can shine by herself.
I just feel so ordinary. So frumpy. So lost in a sea of beautiful people.
But I want to stop the negative self-talk. I want to stop dwelling on what I hate about my body and begin embracing it for what it can do for me. I want to look in the mirror and smile at myself, because I am me and nobody else in the world will ever have the same thoughts, feelings, personalities, and quirks like I do. There may be some things I can’t change about myself, since I would never undergo plastic surgery unless it was a necessity. There may be some things I can, by taking better care of myself. I was given this body by God. The man who created the mountains and the stars and the planets also formed me. He created me to be just the way I am, foibles and all. He didn’t want me to compare myself to other people, to wonder why I wasn’t good enough. He wants me to be confident in myself, sure of who I am in Him, and to shower love on other people.
I can’t shower love on other people, if I’m not even sprinkling any on myself.
I want to embrace my large nose, because I inherited from my dad’s side of the family. It’s German and it’s part of me. I want to stop worrying about my smile and just let a goofy grin slip onto my face, because I know it makes others feel good. I want to treat my body better so that belly curve doesn’t make me feel so self-conscious any more, but know that it’s what is inside me making me beautiful, not a flat tummy. I want to embrace my short legs because they are powerful and can do amazing things, like run a mile and endure a 30-minute Jillian Michaels workout. I want to embrace these arms, though they may be large, because they have the power to calm a child down, sooth a baby, and lift heavy weights. I want to stop dwelling on my terrible eyesight which requires me to wear glasses or contacts, because it’s just another thing linking me to the women in my family. I want to love my hair that will never be as silky smooth as a movie star’s, because it’s still beautiful and it’s still part of me. I want to take better care of my body to clear up my face, but not worry that a pimple here and there has any effect on my outward attitude.
I want to love myself. I want to love every aspect of me. I want to love the good and the bad.
So here goes. Operation: Love Myself. I’m going to stop with the negative talk. I hate when other people talk badly about themselves, so why should it be any different for me? I need to learn how to become my own best friend. I need to love me.

Grateful

I’ve been in a very blah kind of mood lately. I don’t really know why this is, other than some changes happening in my life and all the bad eating I did this week. I remember listening to the radio one day and a guest they had on talking about negativity and how we need to discover what is good in our lives, instead of focusing on all the bad.

And there is a lot of good in my life…

• I have a job. Albeit, I’m no longer working with a good friend who I had so much in common with and enjoyed working with, nor am I working with the best 2- and 3-year-olds who will ever live, but I do have a job. My hours have not been drastically cut, even though our numbers are low. And I do get to work with adorable toddlers, ages 13-16 months. Cuteness personified.
• I have the ability to attend a pretty awesome university with an accredited journalism program. I’ve talked about what my summer is going to look like and it’s not going to be an easy, breezy summer like I had hoped. But this summer gets me one step closer to graduation and offers me the challenge of growing and stretching myself. I’m lucky enough to have a mother who can support me and who does so in every facet of my life.
• I’m starting to understand this health thing. Granted, I had a bad week last week as I was in a mini-vacation mode. But I’m committed to living a healthier lifestyle and I understand what this entails now. It’s not so much about choosing foods that give me less points, but choosing foods that may be higher in points but as higher in fullness levels and with less bad stuff in them.
• My 19-month-old nephew, who is an absolute joy. He is at an age where he’s talking more, being silly, and just so much fun to be around. When I take pictures with him, he wraps his arm around my neck and gives the silliest, goofiest grin. He gets angry when we reprimand him and it’s probably the funniest thing you will ever see! I love this little boy with all of my heart and you really cannot ever be in a bad mood around him. He’s too funny!
  
• This blog community. I’ve been blogging for years before I started this blog and I never knew about this amazing community of bloggers. I’ve become friends with some amazing people who just make me smile with their supportive comments. I just love reading about your lives and all of you seriously inspire me.

Your turn! What are you grateful for today?

Sometimes, I Like to Whine

I had a bit of a meltdown on Mother’s Day. And my mom, being the mom she is, took it all in stride. She talked me down from the cliff. On the day where I should have been honoring her, she showed me the utmost support and devotion. (Even as I threw out f-bombs, cried, and freaked out over little things.)

And then I signed up for two more classes.

Basically, my story is that I haven’t taken my language classes yet. When I was an education major, the three years I took Spanish in middle and high school counted as a language credit. But with journalism, and now that I’m going for my B.A. degree (instead of the B.S., as education is), I need to take two college-level language classes. The only way to get out of them is to take an exemption test.

When I signed up for classes in March, I signed up for Spanish I in summer and Spanish II in fall. After seeing what my tuition would cost me for summer, I knew I couldn’t handle paying over $2,000. So I dropped the language class and told myself I would have to teach myself Spanish this summer.

But I freaked out on Sunday. I honestly don’t think it’s possible for me to be fluent in Spanish within a few months where I could pass an exemption test. I don’t even think I was fluent after taking three years of it!

So I signed back up for Spanish for summer. The good news and bad news is that it’s online. Good news because I think it’ll be easier online and bad news because online classes cost about $100 more in tuition. (The in-class version didn’t fit with my schedule.) But I feel so much better that I’m taking it. Yes, it means there will most likely be no awesome vacation for my mom and me this summer. It means my crazy hair change is going to have to wait until late July or August. (And by then, my hair will probably be at my waist. Eek!) But it also means less stress and less worry. I’ve had this weight upon my shoulders about whether or not I’ll be able to graduate in December. And now it’s gone.

In addition, I have to take one exit course. I tried to sign up for an online one in the fall, but it would put me at 19 credit hours which isn’t allowed. So I had to sign up for one in the summer. And I’m not happy about it because it’s a 10-week course. And it’s a night class. And it’s two days a week. Sure, there are worse things in the world. Like job loss. And hunger. And bad haircuts.

I was looking forward to an easy summer. I was looking forward to putting a lot of money towards my credit cards and maybe taking a nice vacation. I was looking forward to sleeping in on Saturdays and spending my weekends doing “me” things. And now my summer will be consumed by school.

I’m holding tight to my December 11th graduation date. I’m going to make it to that date. It’s going to be a struggle. I’m going to fight it. And I might even whine more, just as I did in this post. Just stick with me.

The Preppy Mafia Award

I love awards of any kind so I was super happy when the awesome Krysten gave this award to me last week! And it came with a fun survey to complete!

1. Who is your style icon? I honestly don’t have one. I don’t really look to Hollywood style icons for how I dress, or want to dress. I will say that I adore Kerri’s blogging style, the way she dresses, and the way she writes. I think she’s fabulous, actually.

2. Which is your favorite socialite book? What’s a socialite book?

3. Favorite party theme? This is a tough one for me. I don’t throw or attend many parties. I do like the annual Superbowl party my mom and I throw! Great food, great company, and best of all, great football.

4. Go to Halloween costume. Again, tough question. I’m not big on Halloween…it’s just not one of my favorite holidays. I always wanted to be a 50’s girl, though!

5. Extravagance you cannot live without? Oh, definitely my hair appointments. I go about every 2 months and it ranges from $50-$120 a visit. But, man, I love those visits and having beautiful hair!

6. Living person you admire? My mom and my grandma, hands down. They are two inspirational women who are the best support system to me. They are amazing.

7. Greatest fear(s)? Tarantulas, loved ones dying, death.

8. Traits you deplore in yourself? I really wish I was more outgoing and personable. I can be very shy, which comes off as snobbish. And I’m not a people person, at all. I wish I was. But I’m not.

9. Which talent would you most love to have? I would love to be a people person! Sometimes I am, but the most part, I’m not.

10. Greatest achievement? This semester! Graduating with my A.A. degree at 18, even if I haven’t done much since then. Running a 5K.

And now I have to pass this award on. Here’s to five fabulous bloggers: Emily Jane, Samantha, Hannah Katy, Kelly, and Melissa!

Successes & Failures

This semester was not easy. Many times, it was not fun. I cried over school more now than I ever had before, excluding my awful final internship. I’ve never been so stressed out in my life. I was stretched beyond belief. I had to step outside my comfort zone more times than ever. I dealt with exhaustion. I began this semester with stars in my eyes. And I ended this semester with stars in my eyes.

I succeeded in ways I never imagined. I did things I never thought I could do. I stepped out of my comfort zone and found a new Stephany. One who is confident in her abilities. One who is creative. One who has a critical eye to design and editing. One who can take a blank page and make it into a piece of art. One who is perky and bright. One who takes on unfamiliar projects and succeeds. One who forgets all the limits she has placed on herself. One who is proud of herself and isn’t afraid to say so.

I put more hours this semester into homework and studying for tests than I ever have before. I spent entire weekends, working on assignment after assignment. In past semesters, I could put in a few hours on Saturday and be good for the week. I have never worked so hard in my life.

I had meltdowns over this semester. I wondered how I was going to manage to do it all. I knew I was stretching myself thin, between working 25 hours at my job, 10 hours at my internship, and my 3 classes. These classes involved more work and more dedication than I have ever taken. By the end of January, I began to hate my life and question whether I could do this.

But I did it. I succeeded. I put my heart and soul into my magazine project. I studied my brains out for my law exams. And I learned more about the editing process that just made me love writing all the more.

With those successes, come failures. I found myself confused more often than not. I wrote some very crappy stories that I’m a little embarrassed to tie my name to. I wrote a term report on a subject I knew nothing about, yet did nothing to familiarize myself with the topic. I rushed through some assignments. I didn’t do my best work. I didn’t try hard enough. This will be my worst semester since I started in the journalism program, grades-wise.

Still, I can’t be upset with myself. Even if this won’t be a straight-A semester like I’ve had previously in the journalism program, it will be a semester where I worked my hardest. And if I make a B in a class where I did my very best work? A B in a class I thought I would fail? I’m fine with that. After all, a B is nothing to be ashamed of.

A Letter… {part 2}

In February, I wrote a letter to my father. This is a different sort of letter. A letter to the woman I am so proud to call my mom.

Dear Mom,

If I ever needed to know what unconditional love looked like, I only have to look at you. You have shown me complete, unconditional love from day one. You are one of the strongest women I know, and I hate that you don’t see yourself this way. Because you are. There’s nobody in the world could have gone through the circumstances you have gone through and emerged out as such a winner.

Growing up, it was tough living with you and Dad. The fights were intense and frequent. I remember watching Dad hold a knife to your throat when I was just a child. I remember thinking, “Mom, please stop!” when you continued to fight with him, but then so proud that you could hold your own. I remember walking on eggshells around Dad and feeling the wrath of his anger. I remember the sweet relief I felt when you sat me down one night when I was in fifth grade and told me we were leaving my father.

Leaving your husband of almost 13 years was no easy feat. You had to become a single mom to a 12-year-old sullen boy and a 11-year-old scared-of-her-own-shadow girl. You had to move back in with your parents. There was nothing easy about what you did, but it was necessary. “I didn’t want your brother and you to see our relationship and think this is how a marriage looks like,” is what you say to this day of why you left my father. It didn’t just show me that, it also showed me what it means to be a strong woman.

We weren’t always good friends. I wrote “I hate my mom” on my dresser in middle school. I was embarrassed to walk around in the mall with you. I thought you were old-fashioned with your Christian values.

But now you are my best friend. You are someone I go to for all my problems. We have our moments of utter silliness where we giggle like we’re in middle school. We have our moments of extreme seriousness where we talk about our problems. And we have our quiet moments where we just sit in complete, comfortable silence.

You have supported me every step of the way: through my awful education internships, losing weight, my decision to switch my major, some terrible jobs, and you were there to pick up the pieces every single time my father broke my heart. I know I can talk to you about any problem and concern I may have and you will listen.

We have been through a lot together. I was with you as you lost 80 pounds. I was with you when you left my dad for the final time. I was with you as you struggled with extreme depression, after leaving my father.

You are an amazing woman. You raised two amazing kids on a limited budget. While Mark and I never got a car for our 16th birthdays, we received more in love and support from you than a car could ever give. You taught us about responsibility, courage, and honesty. You taught us about forgiveness as you sent us off to my father’s house every other weekend, knowing he was going to spend the majority of the time bashing you. You have taught me about love, a selfless love, that keeps on giving and never grows weary.

I am so glad to be your daughter. While I may have bombed in the dad department, I got the pot of gold in the mom department. You are amazing, beautiful, and so much fun to be with. I love you, Mom.

Love,
Stephany

By The Numbers…

I’ve seen other bloggers do these type of blog posts but never felt as if there was anything that significant I was counting down to. But I definitely am now:

16 hours until I’m finished with Spring Semester 2010

2 days until my Recuperate Day (where I’ll spend the majority of my time, cozied up in bed, reading and relaxing.)

12 days until my advanced reporting class starts, a 6-week intense class

25 days until I complete The 30-Day Shred challenge

2 months until a (tentative) weekend trip to Orlando

3.5 months until my (hopefully!) last semester of college begins

7 months, 1 week, and 3 days until graduation

What special events are YOU counting down to?

Month 2 – And It’s a Vlog!

I decided to join the cool kids and post a vlog about my second month on Weight Watchers. A few things before you watch:

• Worst screenshot ever? Yep.
• You can tell how much I hate having my bangs in my face. I push them away 439,382 times during this video. It’s distracting. I’m sorry.
• My head looks abnormally large. It’s really not.

Starting weight (on February 21, 2010): 151.2 lbs
Current Weight (as of May 2, 2010): 144 lbs
Total weight lost: 7.2 lbs

Also, I did my measurements on Friday night before I began my 30-Day Shred challenge so I’ll definitely start sharing my results next month!

P.S. Today is my grandma’s birthday. I swear she doesn’t look a day over 55! She’s doing good with her chemotherapy, although it’s getting tougher with each treatment. She wouldn’t want me to say anything but I’m her favorite grandkid (Heh!) and I can do no wrong in her eyes. Keep her in your prayers?