The Age of Fear and Anxiety

I would label age 22 as “The Age of Fear and Anxiety.” It held me captive, keeping me inside and sleeping away my life. I didn’t stretch myself to my fullest limits and let my anxiety to keep me from really living life. I let it keep me from believing in God’s promises and falling headfirst into a relationship with him. I let it keep me from enjoying relationships with friends, always worrying I was suffocating them with my presence and wondering what they saw in me as a person. I let it keep me from putting myself out there with my writing, going after freelance articles because I was too afraid of the consequences of not being good enough. The fear of failure and the fear of true happiness has crippled me. I don’t believe that there is an amazing plan for my life, because I’m too caught up in worry, anxiety, and fear.

I wrote those above words on Thanksgiving Day night. While I had a great holiday and left with a full belly and an even more full heart, I felt a tugging in my soul as I entered my apartment that night.

Next Thanksgiving, I want my life to look a whole lot different than what it looks like tonight.

I feel as if I’m living an endless cycle of mediocrity. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of what could happen if I let go. If I start wearing my heart on my sleeve. If I submit articles for review. If I flirt back to that cute cashier at Publix. If I schedule a girls night out. If I join a Bible study. If I believe in myself.

I want this upcoming year to be a year of change. I did a lot of acknowledging the fear and how it was affecting my life in 2010. I want 2011 to be the year I put the change into action.

As of right now, here’s what I wish for 2011:

I want to be healthier. If this is the one goal I achieve in 2011, I will be happy because it has been an ongoing goal for years now. I want health and fitness to be my life, not just a part of it. I want my new normal to be exercise, wholesome food, and more water than soda. I want to be a runner and complete a half-marathon. I want a better self-image and part of that comes with taking better care of myself. I’m hoping this blog shifts a more healthy-living focus as I begin to make the change to being a healthier person. And I have to believe that being healthier will help me be happier.

I want to have a career. I am graduating from college in May and I’m a little nervous about the job market. I know it’s not easy to find jobs and probably even less so if you enter with very little experience. I just want to be out of the preschool world and into a more professional field.

I want to be independent. Once I graduate and have a job, I know my next big step is to move out. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I depend too much on my mom and I need to step out on my own. I need to have my own place, with my own responsibilities. It will give me an avenue to find my own identity separate from my mom. And force me to seek out social situations more and stop living inside my little bubble.

I want to be more social. I posted last month about how I am an introvert and find my happiness in being alone. But I also think I need to put myself out there more. I don’t really hang out with friends and although I’m never going to be one for the bar scene, I know there are plenty of other options for me. Book clubs, coffee dates, and shopping trips are among the many options available to me. While I’m more content to stay inside and keep to myself, I know I need to expand my horizons, just to see what’s out there.

I want to be a writer. I hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I hear of someone else doing freelance writing. The only writing I’m doing now is here on this blog and on Blissfully Domestic. I really want to do more with my writing (maybe even get paid for it!), but it’s a scary process to put yourself out there like that. I’m so afraid of failing, but I think I just need to do it. Submit some stories and see what happens. I’m pretty sure there will be few feelings in the world that compare to seeing my name in print. I’m determined to get to that point, even if it breaks me.

2011 is going to bring about a lot of change. Change is scary, hard, and messy. But change is inevitable and it is necessary. I’m ready for it. So long, 22. You were good to me, but I’m moving on to a better age. An age when I start believing in myself and enjoying the life I have been given. Hello, 23. I’ve been waiting for you.

Christmas Card Exchange

In all my of 23 years on this earth, I've never sent out Christmas cards. As big of a Christmas fan as I am, I'm not sure why it never occurred to me to fill up mailboxes with my words and Christmas cheer. This year I am, mainly thanks to San's post and how she's doing the same thing.

No, this is not a post about how YOU can get 50 FREE Christmas cards through Shutterfly. You can. Check out the bazillion other bloggers who have written about it. (Not that I begrudge you writing about it because hello, free stuff! I get it.) This is a post about how I am sending out personalized Christmas cards to my readers because gosh darn it, I love y'all. The avid commenters, the e-mailers, the occasional commenters, the lurkers, all of you! And I want to send you something that will put a smile on your face (hopefully) this Christmas season.

So go ahead: fill out the document. Let me send you something special this Christmas.



*Scroll down to submit. You have to do it manually on the document itself. Lame, I know. Or just go here.

I can't wait to send you some mail!

Race Recap: Turkey Trot 5K Wingding

I know I said I wasn’t going to blog until Tuesday, but I lied. In the month of December, I’m participating in reverb10, where I’ll be using prompts to reflect on the year I’ve had and prepare for the one coming up. I’m really excited about it so check it out!

Anyway, I’ve decided to blog today (and tomorrow, and I’ll be posting another letter to that elusive future husband of mine on Monday) so I have time to write everything I need to write before December rolls around.

Onto today’s post! Today, I ran my fifth Turkey Trot and when I say “ran,” I do mean RAN!

My alarm went off at 5am, which is such a godawful hour for your first day of vacation, but get up I did. I tried eating a granola bar beforehand but I was just too nervous. Luckily, my race was at 7am so I knew I would be OK. I managed to drink a little water, though. That’s something!

My mom and I made our way over to the race start around 6:30am. I realized while making our way over that a) I was starving and b) I had to pee. Luckily, there were Porta-Potties by the race start! Score! And the lines weren’t too bad! Double score!

The race began a little after 7am and we were pretty far back from where the race actually began so I kept my eye on the clock as I passed it to know when I actually started the 3.1 miles.

Here’s my mileage breakdown, thanks to my mom’s fancy Garmin:

Mile 1 – 12:11
Mile 2 – 14:20 <—3 minute walking break
Mile 3 – 14:26 <—3 minute walking break
Mile .1 – 2:38

The first mile was by far the toughest. It’s always hard for me to find my groove in the beginning, but I was determined to make it to the first mile marker. I have to say, I loved how crowded it was. Call me weird, but it’s just fun to race with all these people and my last race wasn’t crowded at all and I was walking by myself for 90% of it. The pushing and shoving is a little annoying, but it was tame this year thankfully. Still, check out that pace for my first mile! I am a rockstar.

I took two 3-minute walking breaks that felt more like 30 seconds. But they were much needed and helped me catch my breath. The only thing that sucks about walking breaks is finding your groove again when you start running.

But I ran most of this race, finishing with a new PR at 43:35. I am extremely proud of that time, even though it may seem like a super slow pace for some runners. I hope to become faster in time but right now, I’m just focusing on running my best race and doing just a little bit better each time.

After running the 5K with me, my mom went and ran the 10K, finishing in 1:18, which meant she ran for two hours today. (She’s also run 26 miles since Sunday – simply crazy!)

It was one of my best runs to date and I’m signed up for two 5K’s in December, one on the 5th and one on the 8th. I think I’ve caught the running bug.

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. A day of gorging, watching football, and being with family. It’s my favorite holiday of the year. My birthday is three days following it and it’s a kick-off to the holiday season. I can’t help but get swept up into the magic of the season and I turn into a five-year-old kid on Christmas Eve, anticipating what the next day will be like.

But Thanksgiving. A day of giving thanks. I haven’t missed the many posts floating around the blogosphere of people giving thanks. This year hasn’t been my favorite, but some great things have happened:

• My mom survived getting hit by a car
• My grandma finished chemotherapy and is now cancer-free
• My nephew turned two and now says things like, “Nananny, I love you.”
• I designed a spectacular 18-page magazine
• I grew this blog and met some of my closest friends
• I started running and have run four races this year. (I will have completed six by the end of 2010.)
• I began a journey of self discovery and have learned so much about the woman I am becoming

Some horrible things have happened:

• My. Mom. Got. Hit. By. A. Car. (I still shudder when I think how worse this could have been.)
• My grandma got cancer again
• I ended my relationship with my father
• I dealt with more anxiety and fear than I ever have in my life
• I had major meltdowns while trying to deal with school stress

A lot happened. A lot didn’t happen. But I am thankful for a lot this year. I am thankful for my family and the outpouring of support I have received. I am thankful for the relationship I have with my mom. Our close relationship is something I treasure, since I know many people don’t have this type of relationship. I am thankful for being an aunt, because my nephew brings me more joy and happiness than I ever thought possible. I am thankful for the pushes and shoves I have gotten from family, professors and God to be better than I ever thought I could be. I am thankful for God. For supporting me. For loving me when I know I can be extremely unlovable. For giving me tests and challenges, knowing I can handle them. And for always believing in me and always being there for me, even when I push Him away.

This blog is going to be silent until Tuesday as I spend time with my family and friends and visit Orlando for a fun mini-vacation. I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!

What are you most thankful for this Thanksgiving? Tell me in the comments!

Ten on Tuesday (Vol. 24)

Thanks for all your helpful advice on Sunday's post. I've decided to take the weekend trip to Orlando because why not? It'll give me something to look forward to and I'm pretty sure I can have one paper finished before the trip. Now my big decision is whether I want to go to Disney, Universal Studios, or Islands of Adventure on Sunday. I haven't been to Disney since I was 10, and haven't been to the other two theme parks in almost three years. I'm so excited, though!

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1. What are your plans for the holidays? Do you travel at Thanksgiving? If you celebrate Christmas, do you travel then, too?

I am lucky and blessed enough to have the majority of my family living in the same area as me. My grandparents live five minutes away, my brother and his family live about 20 minutes away, and we have other scattered relatives close by. I've never traveled during Thanksgiving or Christmas.

On Thanksgiving, my mom and I generally wake up at the crack of dawn to take on the Turkey Trot, then stuff ourselves with breakfast, shower and get ready for dinner, and head on over to my grandparents house around 2. From there, it's a lot of family time, football, and eating. I just love being around my family and I'm especially excited since one of my uncles will be eating with us this year! And since my birthday usually falls a few days after, it's always a fun time.

Christmas is a little different. My mom and I wake up around 7am to open presents and my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew come over around 10am to open their presents. And from there, we head over to someone's house for dinner. I'm really not a big fan of Christmas Day. I feel like all the magic is gone as presents are unwrapped, stockings are torn apart, and there's not much to look forward to. I love the anticipation of Christmas!

2. How do you make the plans for the holidays? If you have a significant other, how do you decide which family to visit?

These have been long-standing plans for a while now. We don't really make any decisions, it's just the way things are.

3. Do you have your Thanksgiving meal at lunch or later in the day?

Thanksgiving dinner is usually served around 3pm.

4. Do you have a favorite Thanksgiving tradition?

Not really. I just love the tradition of going to my grandma's house and the hustle and bustle of getting the dinner ready, sitting down to eat, and enjoying my family. I know it's possible I'll be living in a different city or state during the next holiday season (if not then, in the future), and I'm trying to enjoy this while I can.

5. After a big meal, do you lounge around or get up and take a walk?

I'm definitely a lounger, thanks to doing exercise early in the day. I watch football and eat for the majority of Thanksgiving. It's really the best holiday.

6. Do you shop on "Black Friday" or do you avoid it?

I never have and I don't think I ever will. I just don't see the point to it, aside from scoring some really great deals. It just doesn't seem worth it. I hate crowds and rude people, so I tend to stay away. Cyber Monday, though? Oh, I'm all over that!

7. When do you usually finish your Christmas shopping?

When my money runs out? Typically, I'm finished by the weekend before Christmas, though. Right now, I'm just about finished shopping for my nephew and brother, which has to be a new record! Although, I haven't even begun shopping for my mom, so there's that.

8. Do you and your significant other exchange gifts? If there a budget?

Sigh. Let's move on before I become too depressed.

9. When do you decorate for the holidays?

Usually, it's the weekend following Thanksgiving. We buy a real tree, because artificial trees make me gag. And we spend the night snapping at each other as we try to get it to stand up, string the lights, and find spots for our many ornaments. And then we drag out the rest of our decorations. I love decorating the house for Christmas! Taking everything down, though, is such a bummer.

10. Do you go "all out" with the decor or keep it simple?

It's pretty simple. Just the tree and some knickknacks. We do not have the ability to put up lights outside and make them look good, so we keep everything indoors.

Race Recap: X-Country 5K Trail Run

I'm not going to lie, I was nervous about this race. I've never done a trail run before and I normally run on pretty flat paths. The last hilly race I ran took me 50 minutes to complete. I was hoping to do good, push through the pain, even though I had a few bad runs leading up to this day.

My mom was running the half-marathon, which started a half-hour before mine, so I had to say good-bye to her and wait in anxious anticipation for my race to start. I was incredibly nervous about disappointing myself.

My goals to begin the race were:

• Run in under 40 minutes
• Run each mile, letting myself having 2-3 minute breaks in between
• Enjoy the course and scenery

I'm sad to report, I made none of these goals. I didn't have a good race and didn't enjoy myself in the least. I hated the trail. I had to dodge roots, uneven terrain, and horse poop. For a good mile, I was shuffling hay under my feet. And due to the fact the race didn't start until 8:30am and I had no food in my body, I became weak almost instantly. I really need to work on fueling and hydrating better for my runs, especially on race day. I was also still dealing with some chest congestion, which meant a lot of yucky coughing and clearing my throat.

The first mile of the race was relatively easy. It was on flat road and while most of the runners were ahead of me, I felt like I had a good pace. As much as I wanted to catch up to the other runners, I know I had to keep my own pace. I have this competitive nature that doesn't really match up to my running ability. It's a problem.

I took a break once I got past the first mile, but then we started running on the trail and it was tough. My ankles began hurting immediately, due to the uneven terrain and having to watch my step for overgrown roots and horse poop. I never feel like I got my groove back after that. 

It was a tough race and I'm trying to find solace in the fact that it was my first trail run and there were a lot of serious runners. I'm talking zero body fat, running 6-minute-mile-marathon serious runners. It was the first time I had ever felt intimidated at a race. I'm used to fun races like the Turkey Trot with more first-time runners and lots of walkers. I was out of my league at this race, shown with the fact I was quickly at the back of the pack within the first 15 seconds.

I started running again probably half a mile towards the end and really started hauling when I turned a corner and saw just 44:00 on the clock. It was a horrible, awful, miserable race but I WAS GOING TO PR! I was scared to look at my iPod Touch to see the time so I waited until I hit the finish line. My final time was 44:13, which is a good 41 seconds ahead of my previous PR. It makes me wonder what damage I could do to my PR on a flat, easy course. (Also, this course was more like 3.3 miles.)

I'm probably never going to do a trail run again. I didn't enjoy the trail at all, and couldn't even take in the scenery because I was so annoyed with all the mess. I know it was partly because I had never even walked on a trail like this and partly because I hadn't fueled correctly. Trail running is hard. And it's not for everyone.

My next race is on Thanksgiving, which will by my fifth Turkey Trot. Originally, we weren't going to do it but we have a sentimental value tied to this race. It's a nice way to get some activity in before a day of gorging. And I know the course by heart. I know that it's well-organized, with each mile marked, and plenty of spectator support (they even have bands playing through the course!). I never realized how much I love spectator support until the past few races I've run which has had barely any. And since I managed to PR on my first trail run, I'm pretty determined to hit below the 40-minute mark on this next one.

Have you ever run a trail run? If you have, did you like it? If not, would you ever (after my scary recap!)?

Birthday Indecisiveness

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My birthday is a week from today. And I've spent this entire month trying to decide what I want to do. I'm usually not this indecisive when it comes to my birthday, but for some reason I am this year.

I think the hardest thing about my birthday is that it's on a Sunday. Sundays are not good for birthdays. I did take the day after my birthday off work, but I'm still not happy my birthday fell on a Sunday this year.

Basically, I don't know what to do. I have two tentative ideas:

Idea #1: A Weekend Trip to Orlando
Friday night, my brother, my mom, me (possibly my sister-in-law and nephew, as well) would go out to dinner at The Melting Pot (I'm still not sure a two-year-old could eat there...) My mom and I would leave on Saturday afternoon, check into the hotel, and hit up Sea World that evening. Sunday would entail one of the following theme parks: Islands of Adventure, Universal Studios, Disney World, or Epcot. I'm not sure which yet, but I could care less about the Harry Potter World. We would come back Monday.

The pros to this idea include a fun weekend away, where I could forget about all my school and work issues and just get away. Sea World has fun new holiday shows and I haven't been to any of the above parks in years (I've actually never been to Epcot). Also, I love staying in hotels. It's one of my favorite things.

The cons is that I have a test to study for and two papers to write, all due on Wednesday. This also means I wouldn't get the camera I've been planning on for a few months now. Plus, my mom would have to shell out a lot of money for something like this (hotel stay, gas, two tickets to the theme park, food).

Idea #2: A Low-Key Birthday
This one would entail a trip to Target for a new camera, dinner at the same place on Saturday night, and hopefully my brother coming over to watch football with me the next day. A part of me wishes for a more exciting birthday, but it's hard when your birthday falls on a Sunday.

The pros to this idea are that I get the camera that I really need, get to spend more time with my brother (and hopefully my sweet nephew!), will have plenty of time to work on my papers and study, and my mom wouldn't spend as much money.

The cons is that is feels a little lame and I just feel like I'm being selfish with this decision. My mom would have much more fun with Idea #1. She wants me to do what I want to do, but I also want her to have a good weekend as well.

What do you think, readers? Help me choose! Leave your choice in the comments! I have no idea what to do!

Also, don't forget to ask me a question for an upcoming vlog! You know you want to...

A Call For Questions

In August, I participated in VEDA (Vlog Everyday in August). There were a whole bunch of bloggers involved and it was definitely a neat experience. I wasn't consistent with it and fell off the radar when my school semester began, but I still enjoyed it.

I've been wanting to vlog again, but have been racking my brain for how to incorporate it in my blog. And then I had a lightbulb moment: Q & A's! Other bloggers have answered readers questions through their own vlogs, so I thought it would be perfect. (You agree, right? Right.)

So go ahead! Ask! Ask me multiple questions, ask me silly questions, deep questions, off-the-wall questions. Questions about my past, my life, my future. Questions about faith. Questions about writing. Questions about pop culture. Questions about school. Anything goes! (Just keep it clean. My family reads my blog.)

I can't wait to read your questions!

Exercising While Sick

Yesterday, I woke up feeling pretty crummy. I had a swollen throat (which is different from a scratchy throat, or a egg throat or a swallowing-feels-like-knives-slicing-my-throat. You know what I mean.) Shortness of breath, which is something I've been dealing with more and more, convincing me I have congenital heart failure. Or something like that. And a terrible, hacking couch that makes me sound like a smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit. The cough also makes my chest feel like it's going to explode. And a low-grade temperature, although I never really took my temperature but trust me, I felt hot.

I felt a little bit better after taking a hot shower and moving around, but I was still functioning at 75%. And I spent the entire day wondering whether or not I should exercise.

You see, I'm not addicted to exercise. (Yet?) I can make up a million excuses of why I can't exercise. I'm tired. I have too much homework. I'm sick. I'm having women problems. I need to spend some quality time with my dog. Anything and everything.

After my 10-hour day, the only thing I wanted to do was go home, cuddle with my dog, and take a nap. I was exhausted, my eyes were burning (which made me believe the culprit for this sickness was allergies. Yay.), and just felt crummy. But I researched about it and came to a disappointing conclusion: it is OK to exercise while sick.

I knew beforehand that the rule of thumb is anything involving the head means you can exercise. Anything involving the chest means no. (And yes, you can exercise when you have cramps. But I never do. Because cramps hurt and make you feel horrible. The end.) And since I was feeling slightly better, and perhaps because I wanted to write a blog post on exercising while sick, I went for a run. (Side note: it's also important to tone down the intensity when exercising while sick. Since my runs have the intensity of a knitting class, I decided to do a regular workout.)

I completed Week 6, Day 1 of Couch to 5K which was a horrible run. I got a side stitch almost immediately and only finished the intervals because my mom was running with me and giving me pep talks, such as "Unless you faint, puke, or die, keep running," and "Stand up and finish what you started!" It took a lot for me not to punch her in the face.

The result was a fairly awful run which made me doubt that I will ever have a natural love for the sport, as I do for napping. (Which is a sport, because you burn calories while doing so. Fact.) I was happy I finished it, but it really made me feel worse. I think I pushed myself too much and I'll probably do something much less strenuous tomorrow. (Like napping.)

What about you? What's your rule of thumb for exercising while sick?


Sources: x and x

A Wishlist

My birthday is in 11 days, but for the first time, I'm not excited about it. Maybe because it's on a Sunday. Maybe because I don't have any plans, aside from a fancy dinner whenever my brother is free. Maybe because I'm turning twenty-three and I'm sorry but twenty-three feels old. Really old. I feel perpetually sixteen. Maybe because this year hasn't been all that exciting and I feel locked into fear and anxiety.

But I'm going to try to dredge up some birthday spirit because I am a girl who loves birthdays. My birthday, your birthday, pet's birthdays...it's always a special day! I'm also super excited about my birthday dinner because I chose The Melting Pot this year, a fondue restaurant that I haven't been to in years. I'm already craving it!

Onto my wishlist! And since my birthday falls less than a month before Christmas, these are also things that worked their way onto my Christmas wishlist as well.

1. Nikon Coolpix S6000 14.2MP Digital Camera

As much as I would love a DSLR, I know I don't have the patience or time to figure out all the fancy bells and whistles. All I want is a simple point & shoot to give me decent shots. Plus, I can't see myself spending an insane amount of money on one of those cameras when I'm pretty much a pro at forgetting my camera at home. The camera I have now has some screwed-up settings, making my pictures either too light or too dark. I haven't been able to fix it and with a sweet crack in the screen, it's time to upgrade. (Plus, it's only a 7MP! Oh, the horror!)

2. Microsoft VX-5000 LifeCam Webcam

I'm really jealous of bloggers Skype-ing with each other and I know I need a webcam soon or else! Sadly, I bought my computer for it's cheap price and it didn't include a webcam. I bought one earlier this year, but the picture quality was horrid. This one sounds like it should work much better! And it's not too expensive!

3. A Weekend Trip to Orlando

My mom asked me, if I could do anything on my birthday, what would it be? I told her a weekend trip to Orlando. (Granted, a cruise would be nice. But it's the end of the semester. I have too much homework! Ha!) My dream would be to leave on Friday, check into the hotel and go shopping, go to Aquatica on Saturday and Sea World on Sunday. The last time we went to Orlando, I had a sprained/broken ankle so the trip wasn't much fun and we had to leave both theme parks early because of it. My fingers are crossed that my mom can get Saturday off work to go, but the chance is very slim. (Since she took off 8 weeks due to her broken elbow and has worked only half-days for the past month.)

4. A New Planner

Granted, I'm terrible at remembering to use my planner but it doesn't stop me from eyeing new ones all the time. This one, in particular, is my favorite from Etsy shop, Red Star INK

5. Garmin Forerunner 110

I would really like to be one of the cool kids and have a Garmin. While I'm just running to run and not timing my distances yet (I'd like to be able to run 3 miles completely first!), I think it's such a useful tool for runners. And I'm totally jealous of my mom, who has one. Again, I don't need any bells and whistles, just a watch to measure my distance and time and heart rate.

6. Ribbon Board

The walls of my room are suspiciously bare. I've lived in this apartment for over a year and still haven't put up any pictures or wall hangings or anything. I don't know why but this just occurred to me a few months ago and now I'm trying to find ways to add a little color to my walls. I think this would be a fun way to do that, even if it is a little college dormitory.

7. Lululemon Mesh Headwrap

I don't own any Lululemon products and actually just heard of the company in the past few months. I would love to just buy out their store because they have some cute stuff that I know would last and feel good during a run. And I found out they have an outlet store in Orlando. If #3 works out, there is definitely a trip there in my future!

I could probably add more onto my list, such as a car or a job with Shape magazine, but I'm trying to keep it in the reality zone. Somewhat.

What's on your wishlist this year?


Sources: x, x, x, x, x, x, x

Ten on Tuesday (Vol. 23)

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1. What is your favorite breakfast pastry?

I can't say I'm a huge fan of pastries. They just don't do anything for me and don't tempt me in the least. I want to say my favorite pastry would be a muffin. Is a muffin considered a pastry? The double chocolate ones are the best, though!

2. Were you ever in a Thanksgiving or Christmas play?

Yes, I was in a production when I was 12 with the girls group I attended every Wednesday night. I played a shepherd, I believe, and really wanted to sing a solo but was too shy to audition. It was fun, though! And I think I still have a video of it. I have also been in multiple Christmas concerts when I was in elementary and middle school.

3. What is your favorite clothing accessory?

Can I be boring and say undershirts? I only have a white cami and a black cami but I love them and usually need to buy new ones every 3 months or so. (I'm badly in need of new ones. Hint hint, Santa Claus.) I just have a problem with wearing only shirts with nothing next to my skin. It makes me feel uncomfortable so 90% of the time, I'm wearing a cami.

4. What is your favorite item of clothing?

Hm...I'm not sure if cami's fall under accessories or not, but I'm keeping my answer up there because it makes more sense to me! I don't know what my favorite item of clothing is. I like jeans and have a great pair of comfortable jeans that I wear 4+ times a week. I love skirts, but don't wear them nearly enough. I love capri's because they're the perfect length for me and I don't have to deal with rolling up the bottoms. I love shirts, especially ones that I feel comfortable in. I just love clothes!

5. What is your favorite color and why?

Turquoise. I just fell in love with this color a few years ago and every time I see it, whether it's the color of a shirt or on a web page or anywhere, I get insanely happy. It's such a pretty color!

6. What is your favorite type of Christmas cookie?

I make some yummy M&M and chocolate chip cookies during the holiday season. I use the Nestle Tollhouse recipe, adding in Christmas-colored M&M's and plenty of chocolate chips and those cookies are to die for! I probably make 5 or 6 batches in a 3 month span so after the Super Bowl, I stay away until next Thanksgiving!

7. What is your favorite scent (food, perfume/lotion)?

Oh, the smell of freshly baked cookies. Real Christmas trees. Men's cologne. A baby's soft cheek. Gas. I have a lot of favorite scents.

8. What is your favorite household cleaner?

My mom would laugh at this question. (Stephany? Do housework? HA!) This is easy: the little dishwasher cubes! Oh, the dishwasher. The only good that came from my mom's accident: she now uses it religiously! She's a believer! It's just so much easier (and cleaner!) to rinse out our dishes, stick 'em in the dishwasher, wait 'til it's full, and let it wash itself. I would credit the dishwasher as the most amazing invention in the kitchen.

9. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? And what did you actually grow up to be?

There were only two career paths for me growing up: an author or a vet. I was constantly filling up notebooks with story ideas and characters and plots. (Never actually writing, just preparing.) I can't even count the number of notebooks I had, but there were a lot. Becoming a vet was something my dad thought I would be great at, since I was smart and loved animals. (One semester of college-level Anatomy & Physiology cured me of that!)

What did I grow up to be? Good question. I started college with an education major and I'm now a journalism major, with no desire to use that degree for journalism. There is not one bone in my body that wants to be a reporter. I have no idea what I want to do when I graduate. None whatsoever.

I'm not even sure I want to become an author anymore.

10. What is the last song or album you bought?

I actually just bought a bunch of songs off iTunes last week to give me a new playlist for my runs and I'm in love with some of the songs I bought, most especially Love by Jaeson Ma which is a chilling song that makes me tear up every time I hear it. If you haven't heard this song, you need to. I promise you won't regret it.

Hop on over to Chelsea's blog to link up and see more answers

Living Healthy

Healthy living has become the biggest part of my life lately. I'm on a constant tug-of-war with my weight, never hitting my happy weight nor coming to a place where I feel I am at my healthiest.

Hello, my name is Stephany, and I'm a yo-yo dieter.

Oh, those shoulders!

I would say I was at my "healthiest" (using that term loosely) in the Spring-Summer of 2007. I was living on my own at college, going to the gym most mornings, and using Sparkpeople to plug in my calories. My college had a Subway on campus and I would usually head on over there after spending a morning working out at the gym. By the time May rolled around, I was down 10 pounds. And by August, I was a svelte 125 pounds. I still felt like I had about ten more pounds to lose but then Fall came. It was my first time working while having a full load of classes. I also had my first teaching experience, working one day a week in a first-grade classroom. Needless to say, healthy living took a back burner to life. I didn't gain a lot, but also didn't lose anything.

2008 was the year it all fell apart. I started another teaching experience (twice a week in a fourth-grade class) that was hell, ended up quitting my job in March, and gained almost all my weight back. It was a rough year for me, especially since I was realizing I was pretty awful at this teaching thing. It wasn't a great year for me and I think gaining my weight back (and slipping back into old patterns) was just the icing on the cake.

2009 was a year of new beginnings for me: new job, new major, and a new way of living. Yet the weight stayed on. Every once in a while, I'd rejoin Weight Watchers and lose some weight, but fall back to old habits and gain it all back. It's been a constant cycle for the past two years.

Sometimes, I think to myself, "Maybe I'm just not ready. I haven't hit rock bottom yet." My mom? She was ready. She had a medical scare and realized she needed to do something quick before she was put on medication because of her weight. So she did. She lost 80 pounds and has kept it off for over two years. While I don't feel like I have hit rock bottom yet or gotten a health scare that snaps my butt into gear, that is such a scary statement to make. What do I mean "I'm not ready"? When will I be ready? When I have a heart attack? When I can only fit into plus-sized clothing? When I get put on diabetes medication?

If I start now, I only have 35 pounds to lose. I can turn my life around when I'm young and not wind up 200+ pounds at age 25. (And for someone who's five-foot-two, that's a lot of weight to lug around.) It doesn't matter whether or not I'm "ready", it matters that I start fighting for my health now.

Completely changing your life is not easy and for me, I'm holding onto my old life with tight fists. It's a little terrifying to think of how much my life needs to change and there's a big part of me that doesn't think I can do it. And that's the part that's holding me back the most: that little voice inside my head, telling me I'll always be fat. And while I'm trying to accept myself as I am (i.e., being skinny will not solve all of my problems), I know  that finding my happy weight and living a healthy lifestyle will do wonders for my self-esteem, confidence, and overall outlook on life.

Confessions, Part 3

1. My mom and I recycle all of our bottles, cans, and paper. Unfortunately, we also gather them up by putting them into plastic bags, which kind of defeats the purpose of recycling. Every little bit helps, right?

2. My dog's stinky breath is one of the most comforting smell in the world to me.

3. My favorite dish when I was a young kid (talking ages 4-6) was black beans and rice. My best friend's mom used to make it for me whenever I came over.

4. When I was in 8th grade, I walked by two siblings having a fight before school on campus. The girl saw me watching her and yelled, "Are you enjoying the show?" to me. I still don't have a good comeback for this. 

5. When I was in kindergarten, we had circle time and on Mondays, we would go around and talk about our weekend. One of my classmates told a story about going camping with her family and her sister getting a bug stuck in her eye that her dad was able to get out. If not, the bug would have sucked all the blood from her body and she would die. IS THIS EVEN TRUE?! Every time I get anything stuck in my eye, I worry about dying suddenly.

6. I really, really, really want a Snuggie. And I want to buy my dog one. You can unfollow me now.

7. One of my favorite movies of all time is Shawshank Redemption. I'm not sure why because it's sort of gloomy and I'm not a gloomy movies type of person. But I love it.

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8. There is no sport that fills me with such excitement and intense fear as football. Sometimes, I hate watching my own team (Miami Dolphins) because of how upset I get when they lose.

9. I love my short hair. But I want my long hair back.

10. The amount of cookies I have consumed in the past three months is sickening. As is the amount of cookie dough.

11. My favorite time of year is October - December. I hope I never lose my childish awe and excitement for the holiday season.

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12. Being in journalism school has assured me that I want nothing to do with newspaper journalism.

13. I don't like Chipotle. I went once and wasn't impressed.

14. I wear my hair up in some sort of ponytail 95% of the time. I really can't stand to have my hair in my face. or bothering my neck.

15. I am pretty much an expert at NFL football picks. I've beaten my brother (and my dad, when the three of us were playing together) 4 years in a row. (And I'm up 3 games this season.)

On Being an Introvert

When I was a senior in high school, my best friend called me boring. Boring. Essentially, it was a huge criticism and caused me to spend the next few years hating everything about the word. And hating even more that she was right.

I began to equate my quietness and introvertedness (that's a word!) as being boring. I hated it. I hated that she was right and I was boring. No wonder I have a hard time making friends, haven't been on a date in eleventy billion months, and hate everything about the social scene. It's because I'm boring.

A few weeks ago, Emily Jane wrote an amazing post about introverts and why we struggle with being social. It was a real eye-opener for me to find out there isn't anything wrong with me. I'm not weird, nor do I need to seek out a more boisterous personality. There were so many interesting tidbits in the post that I won't begin to talk about them here. The main lesson I took away from it was that I become overstimulated by too much social time and I draw my energy from being quiet. It makes complete sense to me. I cherish my alone times more than my people times. If I don't get at least a few hours of alone time a day, I get stressed and jittery. (This is why it's probably a good reason I changed my major from education to journalism. And why I hated my teaching experiences so much.)

My mom and I are both huge introverts. H to the yewj. We spend many, many car rides in complete silence. To some people, we may look like we're mad at each other or barely know one another. But the truth is, this is just the way we were made. If you were to tape a sensor to my brain to spew out everything I was thinking during these "silent" car rides, I don't even know how many pages you would fill up! When I'm quiet and seem withdrawn into myself, it doesn't mean I'm not engaged. The opposite is actually true. My mind never seems to shut off and there is so much happening in my brain that it would probably exhaust an extrovert.

I'm beginning to embrace being an introvert. I love the fact that being shy and quiet is such a huge part of me because there's nothing to be ashamed of! While I would love to have more of my dad's extroverted personality where he could get anyone and everyone to open up to him and become his best friend justlikethat, I realize it's OK if I don't. There are downsides to being so quiet and shy, mainly that it takes me forever to open up to people and let myself enjoy where I'm at. I worry too much about what people think of me. I can't do small talk for anything. And I cringe at the thought of a car ride with someone I barely know.

But I need to stop worrying about that because it hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past few years. I'm shy. Incredibly so. I'm quiet, to the point you may think I'm snobbish. (I promise I'm not.) Some may call me boring. So what? It's who I am. I need to embrace it.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? 

On Blogging

I had an extremely long blog post written that I really hope you didn't read. It detailed my history of blogging and where I saw my blog going in the future. It was long. It was kind of melancholy. And I didn't like how I wrote it. 

Instead, I wanted to write more about my views on blogging and the type of blogger I want to be.

You see, I'm fairly new to this blogging thing. I began this blog in August 2009 and it's been my most successful blog by far. According to Google Reader, I have 132 followers (91 on Friend Connect). I receive double digit comments on most of my posts. And I have met some of my closest friends through blogging. I have received so much advice from readers, so much inspiration from other blogs, and so much goodness from this entire community. Starting this blog was, by far, the best thing I have ever done.

Maybe my name isn't out there as much as some other bloggers. I don't have any book deals pending, there are no mean websites started because of my blog, and my following is quite small in comparison to others. But I can't compare my blogs to others. I can only do as best as I can for me. I'm not sure I want to deal with the backlash bloggers such as Caitlin and MckMama have had to deal with because I am the epitome of a sensitive person. I'm happy with the following I've developed, although I think there's nothing wrong with saying I would love more followers. 

I've begun to realize that I need to get back to blogging for me, which is probably the worst thing you can do if you want to grow your blog. I want to stop needing to stick to a rigid five-day-a-week blogging schedule and spend hours a day commenting on other blogs. I want to write when I feel the need and have the time to do so. I want to be just fine with going days without checking my Reader. 

My three-week break was good for this. It made me realize that there is more to life than my blog. After all, if I don't experience life, what will I have to blog about? It also made me realize that I love and need blogging. I love my blog friends. I love reading about their lives and gaining insight. I love writing blog posts and receiving feedback. I want to grow my blog and eventually move it to its own domain name.

So where is this blog going? Good question. I don't have a firm answer. I want it to grow as I grow. I'm entering a very uncertain time of my life as I graduate college in May and have no idea what I want to do. My posting's may be erratic, or they may be structured. I may post one day a week or go an entire month of blogging every single day. I keep telling myself I need to figure out what I want to do with my blog because my readers are getting confused. But, honestly, are you all that concerned about how much I'm posting? I don't think so. (Unless, of course, I go three weeks without blogging!) You all have your own lives and blogs to be concerned about.

So there you have it. Not a very clear answer. I want this blog to grow, for sure. But I also want to grow myself. And I'm beginning to see that I just need to blog for me, and worry less on what everyone is thinking about me. Because frankly, you guys have stuck around for a lot of my whiny posts, non-posts, and blog hiatuses. I think you're here to stay.

Photo credit: x, x

It's Been A While

I didn't mean for my break from blogging to last as long as it did, but I must say I'm glad to be back. I needed to get away from my blog and writing for a while, away from a rigid three-day-a-week or five-day-a-week schedule to figure out where I want my blog to go. I feel more secure now.

A lot has happened in the past three weeks.

• I ran my sixth 5K the Thursday before Halloween. Since I was only on Week 3 of Couch to 5K, I wasn't expecting a great PR. I just hoped to run and enjoy my time there. I did that. I didn't set a new personal record. In fact, my time was the exact same time as my previous personal record, which I got from my 5K in April. 44:54. How I managed that, I'll never know. But since it beats the time of my 5K in September, I'll take it! I'm signed up for a trail run on November 21st and ready to smash that 44:54.
  
  
• My blog has changed. I was growing sick of my current design and needed a change. I contacted Designer Blogs about one of their premades and it was installed within a week! Check them out if you want a design. They do custom orders! I added a little race section to my sidebar, which includes my PR's (which are not all that impressive, but they are mine), as well as my upcoming races.
  
  
• I received a lovely letter from a blog friend that uplifted my spirits and made me realize why I have a blog. She mentioned some key facts that have helped me to figure out where I want my blog to go. She said all the things I had been thinking in the back of my mind but was too afraid to voice.
  
  
• I registered for my last semester ever this past week. Well, as an undergrad, although I'm 80% sure I'm not going to attempt grad school. The semester should be an easy one, a fun one, with very little stress. I'm taking Spanish II and Senior Seminar, which are both required. I also signed up for Twentieth Century Literature for my exit course (another required course) and Form and Technique of Fiction, which was the filler course I needed to keep my scholarship. I'm super excited about those last two classes. I think they're going to be fun!
  
  
• I decided to quit my internship. There were a lot of factors leading to this decision but suffice it to say, I'm at peace with it and it was something I had to do. I've only been working there for 3 hours on Wednesdays. My last day there will be November 17 and it will definitely be a bittersweet day.
  
  
• I recently became a contributing writer for the website, Blissfully Domestic. It's a fun little writing gig and allows me to let some creative juices flow. It also gives me a place to have my name in print online, which is always a plus. Check out my first article here, where I talk about writing.
  
  
• I have discovered that it's OK to spend a day or two without checking my Google Reader. The world won't end and the bloggers won't hate me. Sometimes, sanity is more important than popularity. That being said, I love reading blogs and there is so much I derive from your stories, tips, and inspiring notes. And I am never fully away from the blog world. It has captured me.
  
  
• I have oodles and oodles of blog post ideas floating through my head. I can't wait to share my recent epiphanies, funny stories, and moments. The break was much needed, but I also realized my blog is also much needed.