2010: A Year in Review

If I take a look back at my resolutions for 2010, this year would be a waste. I attempted to achieve them, but didn’t even come close. Yet when I think of all I accomplished, whether I resolved to or not, I can’t help but think this was a pretty big year for me. It was a year fraught with sadness, challenges, excitement, and a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone.

In 2010, I…

• Created a stunning 18-page magazine. This was by far my biggest challenge of the first four months of the year. I spent hours upon hours trying to make this magazine the best possible. I took days off work and asked big things of some special friends. I began with 18 blank pages in Adobe In Design (a program I previously had never heard of until January) and created a magazine I am fiercely proud of.
• Watched my grandma conquer cancer for the second time. In January, my family was given heart-breaking news that my grandma’s colon cancer had returned. She battled another 12 rounds of chemotherapy and was declared cancer-free in October. Later, we found out that my grandma’s doctor thought this round of cancer would defeat her and also, that the type of cancer she got the second time around has a 2% survival rating. I would say God’s still in the miracle making business, wouldn’t you?
• Ended the relationship with my father. After close to 2 years of not speaking to each other, my father finally initiated contact via a Facebook message. I e-mailed him a letter, detailing all the ways he had hurt me in the past and how much I missed him and our relationship. His scathing reply back made me realize he was never going to change, he would never take responsibility for his actions, and it was time to end this volatile relationship. In June, I replied back with a much nastier e-mail. I had given myself 2 months to calm down from his reply but I had to make my feelings known, for probably the first time in my life. Losing a parent is heartbreaking, but losing a parent because they don’t want you in their life? I can’t even begin to explain the emotional toll it takes on a person. I’m still not even close to dealing with my feelings on this.
  
• Played caretaker to my mom after she was hit by a car. The scariest day of my life happened on August 13, 2010 when my mom arrived home a mere 20 minutes after leaving for a run with blood on her face and all over her clothes. We spent 5 hours in the ER that morning and she emerged with 18 stitches above her right eyebrow, a broken left elbow, a sprained right thumb, severe abrasions on her knees, elbows, and palms, as well as multiple bruises. It was a long healing process, including her using a sling for 8 weeks, unable to work her second job for 10 weeks, and having to take 8 weeks off running (which totally messed with her marathon training). She is now back to normal, but will always have pain in her elbow if she uses it too much.
• Had my first ER visit since I was eleven. August seemed to be the month of hospital visits for my family. While washing the dishes one afternoon, a glass broke and then sliced my thumb as I tried to throw it away. I spent about 2 hours in the ER getting x-rayed and then stitched up by the real Dr. McDreamy. (Seriously, I had some rather inappropriate dreams about him weeks after my visit.) But with that visit came a hefty $2,500 doctor bill.
• Visited Orlando twice. I only took two vacations this year and they were both to Orlando, which is about 90 minutes from me. They were fun getaways, even if I did deal with a sprained ankle during one trip. And, in November, I visited Disney World for the first time since I was a kid!

• Started running. I am still hesitant to call myself a runner, but I did take up this sport somewhat this year. Over the past few months, I’ve been running pretty consistently (2-3 times a week). It’s been a struggle most days but there’s no greater feeling of accomplishment than finishing a run or crossing a finish line.
• Became a blogger. This blog is my pride and joy. It’s been the one place I can be real and honest. It’s become my mode of therapy as I write down my thoughts for the masses. I went through a lot of blogger crisis as I try to figure out where I fit in this blogging culture, but I think personal blogging is where I belong. I don’t think I’ll ever give up on being completely honest and transparent about my feelings and I like that about me. It’s hard for me to be this honest in public, so these posts have been extremely cathartic for me. And the people I’ve met through blogging makes it all worth it. I have big plans to meet a bunch of you this year, some way or another.

2010 has been a big year for me, even if it hasn’t been the best year. I can’t wait to welcome in 2011 because it’s going to be an amazing, full year with my mom running her first marathon, graduating college, and dealing with my anxiety and thoughts and feelings through therapy. And I’m excited to bring you all along for the ride!

Five Years Later

PROMPT:
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give yourself for the year ahead? – Jenny Blake

Dear 28-year-old Stephany,

When I think of myself now, five years older than I am while writing this letter, I can’t help but think of how different my life will be. I’ll be on the cusp of turning 30, which feels just plain weird. I still feel perpetually fifteen.

I hope you are happy. I hope you have a job you love and have built a life that fulfills you. You began your 23rd year with very few friends, an unhealthy obsession with food, and low self-esteem. There is a lot I need to learn and a lot I hope to have experienced by the time I turn 28.

What do I want from you? So much. I want you to be healthy, eating food that feels good for your body. I want you to be fit and have found a passionate love for running or any other type of exercise. I want you to be successful, whether it be as a published author or working at a job you love. I want you to be married because frankly, you think about your future husband so much now that still being single five years from now feels defeatist. If you’re not married, I want you to be happy in your singlehood. I want you to not be afraid of starting relationships, be them friendships or romantic relationships. I want your life to be filled with friends and social events. At 23, you’re too filled with fear to do anything about cultivating friendships or being social.

And I want you to remember how you felt as you began Year 2011, at 23. At this time, you were happy, but then again, not-so-happy. You had just began to explore all these feelings that bombard your mind and body multiple times a day and have hesitantly put a label of “anxiety” on what causes them. You will be seeking therapy in the new year and as much as you want to accept that, it feels a little bit like failure. It feels like you aren’t enough to take care of yourself. You are unhealthy and overweight with an obsession with food that is scary. You badly want to find a love for running and healthy eating so let’s hope 2011 is the year that happens. You don’t have very many friends (but I would venture to say that your amazing blog friends more than makes up for that!) and it feels like your family is falling apart, with your 15-year-old twin cousins getting involved in some pretty bad stuff and nobody talking about what’s really going on.

I hope things begin to turn around soon for you. I hope you begin to open up your heart to new relationships, discover what you’re passionate about, and stop hiding from the world. Together, we can do this. We can be happy. We can be healthy. And we can begin to live in freedom.

Love,

Your former 23-year-old self

There’s still time to sign up for the Blogger Book Swap! Sign up by December 31st to be on the list!

Ten Years Ago

PROMPT:
Write a note to yourself ten years ago. What would you tell your younger self? – Jenny Blake

Dear 13-year-old Stephany,

I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a great big hug right now. You’re going through a lot. It feels as if the world is on your shoulders and the things you are going through are monstrous. You don’t like to admit it, but you suffer from low self-esteem and feeling like you don’t belong.

But I promise you, things are not as bad as they seem. In fact, compared to some 13-year-olds, you have it good. You have friends, a mother who would do anything for you, and great family. You are doing well in school and it all seems to come easy for you. Maybe you’re not the popular girl and I know how much you want to have Scott or Dustin notice you. It’s tough being a teenager and middle school is hard. You are a sensitive, quiet soul but it’s hard to embrace that part of yourself when all you want is to be loud and exciting, like all the popular girls.

The biggest advice I can give to you is that it will get better. The world may feel like it’s ending but this time is just a small blip of your life. You will grow up, grow into your skin, and embrace who you are. One day, you will realize it is OK to be quiet and shy. You will find that your best friend you could ever have is staring you right in the face. And that being single is not the end of the world.

The only thing you want right now is to have a boyfriend. You want to be one of those girls walking down the halls of middle school with her hand wrapped tight in a boy’s and whom the whole school knows as “the couple”. Trust me that you will be happy you stayed single. And guess what? Aside from a short one-month stint as a girlfriend, you’ll be single throughout high school. You will hate it then, but when you hit college, you will be oh-so-happy you held true to your beliefs and values. That you didn’t jump into a relationship because it was the thing to do. It would have been so easy to fall into a relationship and lose the essence of who you are. You can enter your twenties knowing you are not afraid to be alone and that you are becoming the woman you were meant to be, with or without a man by your side. It’s hard right now, and it’s going to be hard ten years from now, but God has His hand in your romance and He will guide your path. Trust Him on this one, because it’s going to save you a lot of heartache.

Over the next ten years, you’re going to learn a lot about your father and none of it good. For over two and a half of those ten years, he’ll either be in jail or prison. At this point in time, you know your dad isn’t one of the good guys but you still believe he can change and that he loves you unconditionally. You’ll soon realize this isn’t true and I wish I could spare you from the heartbreak that he will eventually cause. Hold on to that pure love you have for him now because soon, it will all change.

I promise things are going to get better, Stephany. Things look bleak now and at age thirteen, all you want is to be surrounded by great friends and adored by a cute boy. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to grow up and learn to accept who you are, even if the people around you don’t. You will find where you belong.

Just remember to stay true to who you are, keep your family close, and don’t worry so much about what others think about you. These people are not going to be around in 10 years and you will find that they didn’t matter in the least. Trust me, Stephany. I’m a little older and wiser. Things will get better. You will get through this teenage melodrama. And you will learn to love yourself.

Love,
Your future 23-year-old self

Christmas 2010

I’m not sure I could sum up Christmas Day in one word. It was definitely a rollercoaster but I must say that our first year hosting Christmas (albeit with a small crowd) was a success.

Christmas started at 7:30am when my mom and I exchanged stockings and then gifts. We spoil each other every Christmas, but since it’s the only time of the year we do so, it works for us. I think I did all right in the gift giving department with her. Among the many gifts was a new armband for her iPod (to replace her old one that still has blood on it from her accident, despite washing it.), tons of clothes, and a new Vera Bradley bag and wallet.

And she totally spoiled me. Witness:

Oh, and this:

Yes. She spoiled me greatly.

After presents were unwrapped, it was time to stuff the turkey, get it in the oven, and prepare for Christmas dinner! We were busy putting the apartment back together, showering, decorating, and cooking but there was such an enveloping sense of peace about this day. Even though we got hurtful news about something a family member attempted to do, we knew we were spending Christmas Day with the four people we loved the most and who loved us the most.

My brother, sister-in-law, and nephew came over around noon and then it was on to more present opening! Since my nephew was sleeping, we left his presents for later while my brother and SIL opened their’s. A customized 49ers jersey for my brother, along with more clothes and candy. And a Bath & Body Works gift set in my SIL favorite scent (unbeknownst to me! I’m just good like that.), a travel mug, as well as Mario Kart for Wii (which I badly want to play because Mario Kart used to occupy my brother and I for hours when we were younger.)

My mom was finishing up cooking dinner when my nephew woke up. He is definitely his father’s child in that he usually wakes up a little grumpy and just wanting to cuddle for a long while. He eventually warmed up and opening some of his presents. But since he’s only two, he doesn’t quite understand the concept yet. He would open a present and only want to play with that one so eventually, we had to open up presents for him and show him all the cool stuff. True to form, we spoiled him greatly for Christmas with a soccer set, a baseball set, a wagon, tons of clothes, and a doctor’s set.

He was more interested in playing with his toys than eating dinner, so we all sat down to eat some yummy turkey, delicious mashed potatoes, green beans, fluffy dinner rolls, and the best stuffing in the world. Oh, gosh, was dinner delicious! My mom is forevermore hosting Christmas dinner.

And then it was onto playing! It’s so much fun having a child around for Christmas because we get to buy him FUN things and there’s such a pure joy in his eyes when he’s playing. Next year will be even more exciting when he understands who Santa Claus is and I just can’t wait!

 

All in all, this was a very successful Christmas. I’m so glad my mom and I decided to host it at our house because it was calm, peaceful, and relaxed. (Well, as calm, peaceful, and relaxed you can be with an active two-year-old!) I’m sad this magical day is over but I’m looking forward to wait 2011 will bring for me and my family!

And for my giveaway winner! I was so excited to do this and I couldn’t believe the response so thank you! I will definitely have more things to giveaway in the future. I used Random.org to pick the winner so a huge congrats to Kim! Shoot me an e-mail with your address and I’ll mail off the prizes ASAP.

Love In a Manger

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But in reality, that particular moment was like none other. For through that segment of time a spectacular thing occurred. God became a man. While the creatures of the earth walked unaware, Divinity arrived. Heaven opened herself and placed her most precious one in a human womb. 

The Omnipotent, in one instant, made himself breakable. He who had been spirit became pierceable. He who was larger than the universe became an embryo. And he who sustains the world with a word chose to be dependent on the nourishment of a young girl.
God as a fetus. Holiness sleeping in a womb. The creator of life being created.
-Max Lucado, “It Began in a Manger”

I wish every one of you a wonderful Christmas and remember the meaning behind this day. Jesus became a man so he could one day die for our sins. Even if you don’t believe in Him, even if you hold hate in your heart towards Him, He still loves you unconditionally and died on that day for you. There is no greater love than His.

Letters To My Future Husband: On Christmas Eve

My heart,

Today is Christmas Eve. I can’t help but think about you during special days like these and wonder how many more Christmas Eve’s I will spend without you in my life. Will this be the last? Or a continuation of many? Only God knows.

Christmas Eve isn’t a tradition-heavy day in my house. We save it all up for Christmas Day. Christmas Eve is spent in anxious excitement and anticipation, while we await Christmas morning. No Christmas Eve has ever been the same for me. Last year, I had to work and then I remember decorating Christmas cookies and watching a few Christmas movies.

I have a child-like approach to this holiday. There’s a part of me that loves knowing people are going out of their way to buy me things that will make me happy and cannot wait to see my reaction. I don’t mean that to sound selfish, but more of how I know people care. And there’s a bigger part that loves buying presents for other people, most especially my mom. I love finding things that she didn’t add to her Christmas list but know she’ll love and be completely surprised about. I love taking her stocking down from the nail late on Christmas Eve and filling it with goodies I’ve purchased. I love the spirit of the season; the pretty lights as I drive at night, our Christmas tree with handmade ornaments from my childhood, as well as our array of snowmen ornaments. I love wrapping presents and placing them under the tree, watching how big our stack grows. I love Christmas music, most especially the songs dedicated to celebrating the birth of my King.

And I love thinking about what our first Christmas will be like, while we’re courting. I think about our first Christmas as husband and wife. I think about our first Christmas with our baby. I think about future Christmases, filled up with kids, late night wrapping, and shopping trips. I think about Christmases far, far in the future, filled with our children and grandchildren.

I wonder how you celebrate Christmas. Are you as in love with this time of year as I am, or are you more of a Grinch? I promise you this: if you are a Grinch, I will turn you into a lover of Christmas. Believe that! Does your family open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Do you go to church, have a big meal, or do Secret Santa exchanges? Are you even close to your family?

And what about Christmas 2010? How are you spending it now? I’d like to think you’re a family man, but perhaps you’re not. Maybe you’re working over Christmas or overseas. Maybe Christmas is a sad time for you, or maybe you’re experiencing the same childlike glee I have right now.

Sometimes, the thought of spending another Christmas without you chokes me up. I want to meet you so badly. I want our life to begin NOW. But I know I have a lot of issues I need to work on first, otherwise our relationship is doomed from the beginning. And you may be dealing with your own issues. Perhaps 2011 will be our year, but if it’s not, just know I will still be waiting for you.

I will be content in my singleness on this Christmas Eve, because I have hope for the future. I will watch Christmas movies with abandon, bake cookies until my arms ache, and joyously count down the hours until 7am on Christmas morning when presents will be opened. I am praying for you, love, that your Christmas is filled with laughter, joy, and above all, peace.

I love you with everything in me.

Picture Source

Holiday Week: Snapshots

There’s nothing I love better than decorating for Christmas. Coming home to a beautiful tree with gorgeous presents lying underneath puts my heart at peace. Buying presents for loved ones and getting Christmas cards in the mail fills up my soul with happiness. I’m sad that soon this most wonderful time of the year will be over and decorations will be put away for another 11 months. I’m trying to soak it all up now and live in the moment.
How have you decorated for Christmas this year? Do you go all out or keep things simple?
And don’t forget to enter my giveaway! There are multiple ways to win some sweet after-Christmas gifts!

Holiday Week: Confessions

1. This year, my mom and I bought a fake tree. I have been on Team Real Tree for the past 23 years, where the thought of going artificial made my skin crawl. But then I got to thinking about the process of buying a tree, bringing it home, fitting it into the stand, watering it and dealing with the needles. Going artificial was a no-brainer and it has been so much easier.
2. This season, I cannot listen to the song “Christmas Shoes.” The song is so sad and puts me in a depressed funk. Also, I can’t stand the song “Same Old Lang Syne,” since I don’t think the singer has a very good voice. This song is just too corny for me.
3. Apparently, now you have to “Santa-tize” your hands before seeing Santa. I don’t remember doing this when I was a kid and remained perfectly healthy. It’s funny how germaphobe our society has gotten. (And I’m not saying in this a bad way, just an observation!)
4. We always wrap presents for our dog and put them under the tree. Doesn’t every pet owner do this? No?
5. I have no memories of any bad Christmases. My mom always did everything she could to make sure my brother and I had a great Christmas, even if she had to sacrifice a lot.
6. This is the first Christmas in a very long time that I will spend at home. My mom and I are hosting Christmas dinner and my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew are coming over. I am really, really excited about this.
7. This week fills me up with all sorts of anxiety and fear that something horrible will befall my family and make the holidays a time of sadness for me. 
8. Growing up, I always figured Santa came to our apartment and knocked on the door, even though in every movie, he came through the chimney. Unfortunately, we don’t have one of those so that was my best guess to how Santa brought us presents.
9. Also, on the Santa front, I was always confused why he wrapped our presents for us but in every movie, he didn’t wrap any presents.
10. Carol of the Bells used to scare the crap out of me. Now, it’s my favorite Christmas song.
What are some of your holiday confessions?
Don’t forget to enter my giveaway for some after-Christmas presents! Giveaway closes at 7pm EST on Sunday, December 26.

Holiday Week: Christmas Questions

Since Ten on Tuesday this week is a bunch of random questions, I scoured the interwebs for Christmas questions to keep with my Holiday Week theme.
1. What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? How about the worst?
The best is a toss-up between my computer when I was 13 or my iPod Touch last year. Both were surprises and I was thrilled when I opened up the gifts. And both I used a lot.
The worst gift would have to be this paint program my aunt got for me when I was in 8th grade. It was Disney and more on a first-grader level. It’s presents like those that help you realize your extended family knows nothing about you.
2. What is your favorite Christmas movie moment?
I love Elf and towards the end of the movie when Jovie gets in front of the big crowd and starts singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and everyone joins in, including Buddy’s family. It makes me cry every time!
3. When do you open gifts?
Christmas Day! I am so not a Christmas Eve present opener. I love the anticipation that comes with Christmas Eve and wouldn’t change that for the world.
4. Do you believe in Santa? If not, who convinced you he’s not real?
I don’t. I was made fun of in second grade for still believing in Santa Claus and told my mom I didn’t believe in him around that time. But I still received presents from him for a few years after that. I do love how fun it is to believe in him. It’s been fun to talk about Santa with the older kids in my center, because their belief in him is so pure and so strong!
5. What is your happiest Christmas memory?
Those Christmas Eve nights I spent with my brother. It started when I was in 6th grade and we made plans to play games while we waited for 6am to open presents. We kept true to this tradition until he moved out in 2006. We only managed to stay awake the whole night one year when we spent Christmas Eve at my uncle’s house and watched a whole slew of movies.
6. Describe an ornament that has special significance to you.
There’s not really an ornament that I would say has special significance to me. There are plenty of ornaments that I made when I was younger and a few of me at a younger age. And then we have a ton of snowmen ornaments that make me smile.
7. What famous person would you most like to encounter under the mistletoe?
I’m just going to be honest: nobody. There is no way I would do anything but freak out and probably pass out if I encountered a famous person under the mistletoe. While it would be pretty awesome to meet Jake Gyllenhaal under the mistletoe, I would be too shy to ever do anything. So, Jake, if we ever do meet, you’re going to have to make the first move, ‘kay?
8. When it comes to decorations, are you more of a Griswald or a Grinch?
I guess a Griswald but on a lesser scale. Our decorations are nice and festive, but it’s not overdone in any grand scale. Just decorating our living room and patio. They’re nice, though. I like ‘em!
9. What is your favorite version of a Christmas song?
I’ll admit that I’m not a big fan of Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera’s Christmas renditions. They go so big and oversing almost every Christmas song. It’s a little annoying!
I’m not sure what my favorite version of a song is, though. I mostly love any rendition of ‘O Holy Night’, though. It’s such a pretty song!
10. Have you had any traumatic Christmas-related experiences?
No, thank God. I am so nervous this week that something awful is going to happen to my family and Christmas will forever be ruined.
A few Christmases ago, I had a terrible anxiety attack on the night before Christmas Eve that my mom was going to get into a car wreck on her way to work and die. Luckily, she was fine. And she called me just before she was leaving to let me know she was coming home. About 3 minutes after her call, the police knocked on the door, inquiring about my neighbor.
Oh, my gosh, you guys. If she hadn’t called before then, I would have probably thrown up on their shoes.
11. What would be an appropriate gag gift for most of your friends?
Probably Justin Bieber’s new “book”. (Did he really write a book?) I would love to give it to my work BFF just to see her face. Tehehe.
12. Would you rather be a partridge in a pear tree or a lords a-leaping and why?
Confession: I just Googled “partridge” and “lords a-leaping”. Apparently, this is the difference between a bird or a leaping dancer. I guess I’ll choose lords a-leaping because I’ve always wanted to be a dancer. A leaping dancer is just a bonus.
Don’t forget to enter my holiday giveaway – ends Sunday, December 26.

Holiday Week: A Holiday Giveaway For You

This is my first-ever giveaway! I have wanted to do a giveaway on my blog for the longest time but have been so indecisive about what to get. My biggest worry is that everyone will think the items I’m giving away are lame and nobody will enter.
Well, I threw all that worry out the door as I headed to Target on Friday to look for fun things to put in a little holiday giveaway. It’s not anything exciting, but I had so much fun strolling through Target, throwing things in my cart that I think my lovely blog readers would like.
I recently hit 100 followers (through Friend Connect) which is such a huge milestone for me. I love every single one of you to bits and pieces, even the lurkers. (I have lurkers! How cool!) I blogged for so long with nobody reading or commenting that the fact that I can write a blog post and know people are reading and connecting with what I say? It’s amazing.
Here’s what you can win!

1 – Greenroom small notebook, made of 70% recycled material
2 – A three-pack of Uni-Ball Fusion pens in violet, pink, and blue
3 – Nicole by OPI nail polish, in “It’s Possible!”
4 – A sparkly headband

There are multiple ways to enter:
1. Leave a comment, telling me what you’re most looking forward to this Christmas. Only you can’t say “family” or “giving gifts.” Be creative! (1 entry)
2. Follow me on Twitter and leave a comment saying you do. (1 entry)
3. Tweet about the giveaway and leave a comment with a link to the tweet. (1 entry)
4. Blog about the giveaway and leave a comment with a link to the post. (3 entries)

Giveaway closes on Sunday, December 26 at 7pm EST. Winner will be announced on Monday, December 27.

I bought all of these items with my own money, I have not been compensated by Target or any of the companies mentioned above.

photo credit

Odds and Ends

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• I took today off work, since I had a vacation day left to use that I didn’t know I had until a few weeks ago. I’m so excited to have a day off to sleep in and finish up my Christmas shopping!
• One of the great and not-so-great things about working in a preschool is that it gets a lot calmer and easier during the holiday season. Our numbers will go down a lot during these next two weeks which means I’m only working 4-hour days! I’m excited about that…but so not excited about what it will do to my paycheck.
• There hasn’t been a great turnout for the Blogger Book Swap. (Feels like high school all over again! Hehe.) Right now, we have 10 people participating but I’d really like to get a whole lot more. I’m not sure if I should scrap it if nobody else signs up, or keep it going with the few that did. Thoughts?
• I am 100% stealing Nora’s idea of “Holiday Week” on my blog next week. Full credit to her for the idea and I may have a fun surprise in store for you all on Monday!
• I’ve been playing around with my commenting system this week and finally went back to Blogger comments, because they’re just easier for me. I did take off comment moderation because, let’s face it, I don’t get too many spam comments. And it means a lot less work for me. Yay!
• On Wednesday, I sent off all my Christmas cards so I hope everyone who signed up gets one by Christmas. If not, they’ll be New Year cards. (Also, in doing this, I sent my first mail to Canada!)
• After my post yesterday, I went out for a run. Yes, I know. This is why I’m so confused! I felt the urge to run, where yesterday, the thought of running made me want to throw up. I think I’m going to stick to running 1-2 days a week. I still want to run (some days), but I don’t want to make it the focal point of my exercise anymore. (And the comments on the post were awesome! Thanks so much for your support and advice.)
• I’ve been watching The Sing-Off which has to be one of my new favorite shows. I’ve decided my favorite it Street Corner Symphony because the lead singer’s voice is incredible. How has he not been discovered yet? I think a part of me is putting this on my blog so I can listen to it over and over again. Seriously, so friggin good!

• My weekend will consist of our bimonthly game night with my brother, possible cookie decorating, lots of shopping, and watching football. (How is the season almost over, by the way? Football season goes by way too fast. Boo!) What are you up to this weekend?

A Running Conundrum

So, I’ve been trying to run for a long time. Or maybe a short time, but it seems long to me. The latter part of 2010 has been spent with me trying to become a runner, first with half-marathon training and then with Couch to 5K. I’ve been frustrated with my progress thus far. I’m frustrated with how slow I am, how low my endurance is, and how I still can’t freaking run 3 miles without stopping.

The truth is, running isn’t fun for me. I worry about it all day until the time rolls around for my run. (I have to be at work at 6:30am so morning runs are not an option Monday – Friday.) I dread it. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve been excited for a run. (And half of those would be race days.) And running is hard. Really, really hard. And not just hard in the way it’s supposed to be. My ankles kill me almost the entire time. I get side stitches that feel like someone is stabbing me with multiple knives from inside my stomach. I spend the majority of my runs hating my life and wondering why I subject myself to this torture.

And I never, ever think these thoughts with any other form of exercise.

I follow 82 blogs currently. A good quarter of those bloggers are runners. And I would estimate 5-10 of those bloggers are hardcore runners. People who run 8-minute miles and think they had a bad run. People who are striving to become ultra marathoners, a feat I cringe at. And while I don’t exactly compare myself to them, the fact the majority of the healthy-living bloggers that I follow are runners, makes me believe I need to be a runner, too. Running is cool! It’s popular! If they can do it, I can do it! But what if I don’t like running? What about the dread I feel leading up to a run and the only part that brings me happiness is being finished?

It’s a debate I come back to again and again. Why am I running? Am I doing it because I love it? My mom loves it. She looks forward to her runs (not every run, but most of them) and absolutely enjoys herself while running. I don’t love it. Am I doing it because that’s what’s popular? All the bloggers are doing it!

I have an intense love for races, though. I love the atmosphere, the swag, the feeling of crossing the finish line. I feel like the only time I enjoy running is during a race.

Basically, I just don’t know what to do. Running has seemed to overtake my life, but it’s still coming incredibly hard for me. And I don’t really enjoy it. On the other hand, I have never felt the kind of accomplishment and happiness that I get when I complete a run. It feels awesome. But I also dread it. I don’t look forward to it and it just plain hurts. And not a good, I’m-getting-a-great-workout hurt. I also miss doing other forms of exercise because I’m trying so hard to run often and build up my endurance. I want to take Spinning classes and yoga. I want to bike more and strength-train.

What say you, blog readers? If you’re a runner, do you love it? How do you deal with these feelings, if you ever have them? Should I give up this “dream” to be a runner (I’m not even sure if it’s a dream I have, or just a way to fit in with healthy-living bloggers)? Should I scale back? WHAT DO I DO?

Action

Prompt:
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Scott Belsky)

I love making goals. For a while, I was making monthly goals but stopped once I feared my blog was becoming more of a goal journal than a blog. In 2010 alone, I wrote about goals 13 times. That equals to twice a month I was either setting goals or talking about them. I have some big goals for my life, big goals for 2011. I want to lose weight, graduate college, become more independent, branch out more.

While at Disney World last month, I saw a sign with a quote by Walt Disney. It read, “The way to get started is quit talking and begin doing.” I want 2011 to be the year I began to chase after my goals and put them into action. I want to stop talking about my goals and start living them out. I have big goals, yes. But they are all achievable and start with putting my foot into a different direction.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m stuck in stagnation until I graduate in May. It’s not true, but I feel like I’m just waiting until then to begin my life.

But there are so many steps I can take before then. So what’s my next step? It’s to change my entire thought process about food and exercise. Eating right has been such a struggle my entire life and has become even harder as I grow up and take control over my own food choices. Most times, I scoff at people who seem to be able to eat right 24/7, saying it’s “not for me.” That thought process has got to stop. I have to start believing I can become a health nut and that some food is wreaking havoc on my body. And also on my mind.

I also want to begin thinking differently about exercise. The truth is, I feel awesome when I’m exercising. I feel as if I’m finally taking steps in the right direction and just the feel of sweat feels good. I’m not sure I have any specific exercise goals for 2011, but I just want it to become a more natural part of my day. I want my mood to be reflected on whether or not I exercised that day.

I want to end 2011 as a completely different person. I hope it doesn’t seem vain when I say I want to look completely different on the outside. I want to have more energy and feel better. I want to be thinner and stop flinching every time someone looks at my belly, hoping they don’t ask the pregnancy question. (Which, by the way, I was asked about on Monday. Whee!) I just want to look at my body and be proud of it. I’m not, because I don’t take the time to be good to it.

What is your next step to attaining your goals?

Don’t forget to sign up for the Blogger Book Swap!

Ten on Tuesday (Vol. 26)

via

1. What is your favorite kind of cheese?
The only cheese I like is mozzarella cheese. I absolutely love string cheese, but the only other place I tolerate cheese is on my pizza. I don’t like it in sandwiches and can’t stand it alone. (If you hadn’t yet figured it out, I’m a picky eater. Oops?)

2. Do you prefer fudge with or without nuts?
Either. Nuts give fudge an extra oomph but sometimes, fudge is good plain. I don’t really have a preference.

3. How do you feel about cats?
I’m definitely more of a dog person, but cats are fine. They do seem like a lot less work, and I’m not adverse to getting one. My mom isn’t a cat person at all, so that’s not going to happen until I move out.

4. Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts?
Julia Roberts, hands down. I have an intense love for Julia. She’s an amazing actress, so real and natural. And she’s gorgeous in a non-intimidating way. I think meeting her would feel like meeting someone you’ve known for a long time, she just seems the type to put you completely at ease immediately. Ah, I love her. So much.

(I don’t have anything against Meg. I’m just more of a Julia girl.)

5. Do you wear a watch?
No. I haven’t worn a watch since middle school. I have issues with wearing things on my wrists, for some reason. They just annoy me.

6. What are a few of your favorite songs from the 90′s?
I was just a kid in the 90s so I can only think of songs by Steven Curtis Chapman, Michael W. Smith, and Geoff Moore. “Dancing With the Dinosaurs” and “Friends Are Friends Forever.” Also, singing “This Is the Song That Never Ends” over and over and over again on the bus to annoy our bus driver.

7. Do you like scented candles?
No. Not even a little bit.

8. What do you like on your hamburger?
Ketchup only, please! Sometimes I get a little crazy and add lettuce and pickles, but I usually keep it plain. (Picky eater, remember?)

9. How often do you cut your fingernails?
I usually bite them off if they seem to be getting too long. I never actually use nail clippers on them, though. My teeth work better. :)

10. Do you sleep in socks?
No. Sometimes, in the winter, I’ll put my comfy socks on, but this is a rare occurrence. They always seem to fall off in the middle of the night.

Hop on over to Roots and Rings for a full list of Ten on Tuesday participants.

Don’t forget to sign up for the Blogger Book Swap!

Eleven

 PROMPT:
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? – Sam Davidson

1. An unhealthy approach to life: I want 2011 to be the year I release my hold on the life I used to have, most especially where it relates to my health. Lugging around 40 extra pounds is not easy, and it shows in the way I’m constantly exhausted and sluggish. I want to start feeling better about myself, and it starts with how I’m taking care of myself. More wholesome foods, less processed foods. More water, less sugary soda. More fruits and veggies, less snacks. I want to get to my goal weight and stay there.

2. A marathon mindset: I read and follow a variety of healthy-living bloggers and it feels like healthy living blogging goes hand-in-hand with running marathons. (And running them fast!) It pushed me into running (good), but also made me frustrated and upset when I couldn’t run as fast as them or as long as them. Maybe one day I will run a marathon but I’m pretty sure it won’t be in 2011. I want to stop putting so much pressure on running 10-minute miles and more on just running and enjoying myself. I still want to run races, but there’s no competitive spirit in me that needs to run half-marathons or marathons. I want to keep running, but I don’t want to be obsessive about it anymore.

3. Doubt (as it regards to myself): I want to believe in myself. I want to trust myself. I want to stop being so afraid of failure that I miss out on amazing opportunities. I want to put myself out there and be OK with failure. I want to show myself I am much more capable than I thought I was. 2011 is the year I stop saying “I can’t” and start saying “I totally can.”

4. Doubt (as it regards to my faith): My faith has struggled so much this year. I’ve doubted God and His promises. I’ve stopped attending church, reading my Bible, or even reading Christian novels. I’m fallen into bad habits of reading books I shouldn’t and believing in lies the enemy whispers into my mind. But, see, I know God is real and I know I need Him in my life. I see it in the way my heart races and palms sweat when someone talks against Him and the way my heart feels when I hear a worship song on the radio. I just need to start truly living it out and stop worrying so much about what others think of me.

5. Laziness: I am a lazy human being. I’m not proud of it and it’s something that I hate about myself. I blame blogging. (So yes, it means I also blame you. You for your blogs and your funny posts and thought-provoking posts and thrilling posts.) I want to do more with my time. I have a lot of free time, even when I am in school. But I don’t use it as wisely as I should. I’m getting rid of laziness in 2011 and managing my time better. Doing. More.

6. Sleepiness: I love sleeping. I have to replace my pillows often because I use them so much. I’m not sure if I have a low iron count or just poor sleeping habits, because I am constantly tired. Even when I get a good amount of sleep for a good number of days, I still can barely keep my eyes open past 10 p.m. I want to figure out why I’m so tired (whether it’s just not getting enough sleep, or something more serious) so I can stop sleeping away my life.

7. Anxiety: I am just starting to get a handle on these feelings I’ve been having and I think I may have a name to put with it. I’m nervous to blog about it, nervous to say I suffer from anxiety when it may not be the case. But I do know there’s something going on in my head that shouldn’t be. And I am intending to seek help about it.

8. Not dealing with my problems: I don’t like being unhappy. It’s not like I pretend things are sunshine and roses when they’re not, it’s that I just have an unsatiable desire to be happy. So I don’t deal with unhappiness. I shove all of my problems to the back of my mind and don’t dwell on them. Take it from me: it’s not the best way to live. Sometimes, you have to be unhappy. For days. For weeks. For months. It’s not like I want to be unhappy for months, but I do need to know it is OK to be unhappy. Problems need to be dealt with and sometimes, it just isn’t pretty. My hope for 2011 is I forget about this happiness desire and start addressing what’s bothering me when it’s bothering me.

9. School: Providing I pass my classes next semester, I will be a college graduate in May 2011! I am so excited to say good-bye to school, tests, papers, and all the stress it brings. I will admit that I feel a little scared of what graduation will bring, but I’m excited! I’m ready to become a Big Girl.

10. Credit card debt: My only goal for the first few months of 2011 is to pay off my Target and bank credit card ($800 total). I just want to focus on that because once I do, this girl will be out of credit card debt. It’s something I never thought I would see myself in, but it’s a place I never want to be in again.

11. Being dependent: I have felt a pressing need to be on my own in these past few weeks. It’s not like my mom makes living with her miserable – it’s the opposite, actually. But I know I need to take some major leaps in a different direction to become more independent. I think it all starts with graduation and getting a job that pays more than minimum wage. It starts with me taking control of more bills, helping my mom out with housework, and doing more things on my own. It’s scary, though. But so, so incredibly necessary.

Tell me, what are some things your life doesn’t need in 2011?

Blogger Book Swap, Pt. 2

I posted about this on Friday with some eager participants but few of the details worked out. I have some more concrete details and a form to fill out!

• A blogger book swap entails you receiving a book from another blogger, reading it, and then posting a review on your blog.
• This means you have to either purchase a book, or send your partner one from your own collection.
• The easiest way (for both you and me) to do this is to have me send you the name and address of your swap partner and you to send the book. (Alyssa is having bloggers near her send her the books, but we’re still going to combine all the participants.)
• Both U.S. and Canada residents can sign up! (I can pair up Canada residents to make it a little easier.)
• All participants must sign up by December 31.
• I’ll send out the name of your swap partner by January 5.
• You must mail out your book by January 23.
• You’re free to write your review whenever, but it should be done by the end of February. (I’ll have some way to link up here so people can read your review.)
• Fill out this form to participate! (Or click here.)

Blogger Book Swap

Once upon a time, Chelsea introduced the idea of a blogger book swap. She had a ton of people sign up and they sent her their books. She sent off the books to the participants…and then she got overwhelmed. I’ve been thinking about starting up my own book swap, just because I love the idea of it. In fact, I was thinking about it more and more this week and lo and behold, Alyssa posted about it yesterday!

So we’ve been e-mailing and she let me join her bandwagon to make this book swap happen! Basically, we’ll both be handling this book swap and are still trying to figure all the logistics of it!

Here are the (tentative) rules:

• The Blogger Book Swap entails you getting a book another blogger thinks is pretty fantastic (or pretty horrible, either way) to read and then review on your blog.
• Currently, we’re debating between having book swap participants mail us their books or setting people up with where to send their book, saving time and money. Our qualm about the latter is if we set someone up and they don’t send the book. What do you guys think?
• Books need to be mailed out by January 5th.
• Anything goes! Fluffy chick lit, murder mysteries, celebrity tell-alls, trashy romance novels, historicals, non-fiction…whatever you want!
• Leave a comment with your e-mail if you want to participate! We hope to get it all figured out by this weekend.

I hope you join in! It’s sure to be an exciting, fun time and who doesn’t like getting a free book to read?

photo credit

Different. In a Good Way.

December 8th Reverb10 Prompt: Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Karen Walrond)

I can easily attest that I am different than normal 23-year-olds. But mostly, I don’t think of that different in a funky, off-the-wall way. I think of it in a negative way. I am different, but I want to be just like them. I am different, but I’m not happy being so.

It’s funny because as out of place as I feel in the real world, I feel so much more acceptance and unity from the blog community. I open Google Reader and I find people who are just like me. We may not be exactly alike (who is?), but there are so many facets of your personalities that mesh perfectly with mine. I’m finding that maybe it’s not so bad to be different. And I’m learning to accept my difference. Such as…

• …being a homebody and loving nights in way more than nights out.
  
• …knowing that curling up with a good book is one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend.
  
• …being obsessed with running, thinking about running, and worried over pace calculations.
  
• …not having any inclination in my body to drink. Whether it be beer or wine or mixed drinks, there’s nothing in it for me. I just don’t like the taste and I’m not afraid to admit that.
  
• …being health-conscious and focused on what’s good for my body, not just for a short while, but for my life.
  
• …realizing that being health-conscious is really, really hard and rife with struggles and ups and downs.
  
• …having a best friend in my mother and knowing that spending time with her keeps me sane.
  
• …finding out that being an introvert is a part of me, as much as my green eyes. And I’m learning to love this.
  
• …having a huge network of support and knowing these words I’m writing down will be read by people who love me. You guys are my favorites. All of you.

This Community

December 7th Reverb10 Prompt: Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Cali Harris)

Here. At this little blog. I can’t say I’m embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I have more online friends than real life friends. Or that they know me better and more deeply than even those who have known me for years do.

I worry a lot about meeting someone I’ve known from the blog world in real life because I fear the real me is a lot boring than it shows on my blog. It’s not that I’m fake on my blog, I’m just a lot more open and trusting with my words. Having this blog has been a sort of therapy. I have talked about some really tough issues and tried to be as transparent with you as I can be. I have a hard time doing this in my real life, so being able to do so here has been a blessing.

In doing so, I have met so many wonderful people. Some of you have become my closest friends and biggest supporters. I’ve learned so much about myself through this process of growing my blog. And reading your blogs has showed me a whole new world. I have learned so much from your blogs and I can’t wait to see what’s coming up in 2011 for all of us.

For 2011, my wish is to be more present in my community. While I’m not sure what the future holds after college, but I do know I want to be involved in whatever city I’m living in. Last month, I joined a book club group from meetup.com. I haven’t actually attended the book club yet, because I’m basically scared to death. But I will. I promise. (January? Can I wait until January?) And since they do more than just the monthly book club meeting, like movie and dinner dates, I know it would be a great way to get out there and start experiencing my community. I need to stop living in my bubble and step outside my comfort zone. While it’s easy living in my bubble, it’s also a little scary to think of all the opportunities I am letting pass me by because I’m not out there to grab them.

Tell me, what community would you like to be join in 2011?

Letting Go

The December 5th prompt for Reverb10 was absolutely perfect for me. Written by author Alice Bradley, the prompt reads: “What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?”

This year, I had to let go of my father.

For the past few years, my dad had been a negative influence in my life. Actually, he had been a negative influence for most of my life but it was just in the past few years where I had noticed how it was affecting my well-being. I began to see how it was making me doubt myself and my abilities, as he continuously doubted both.

We went a year without speaking. After my birthday in 2007, I decided to do a little test: see how long it would take my father to call me. Usually, it was me calling him, me making plans, with no effort on his part. He claimed he lost my phone number, but he had my brother’s and called him frequently. The next time he contacted me was through a Facebook message on his girlfriend’s page. (We weren’t friends, but she requested me and he wrote a message.) Thus started the process of repairing our relationship. I wrote him a nice, long e-mail telling him how he had hurt me only to receive a nasty reply e-mail, laying the blame back on me.

I knew he would never change. I knew he would remain a toxic, negative influence in my life. So I decided to end the relationship.

It’s been a hard, painful process, and I still don’t think I’ve fully wrapped my head around this. For the longest time, I wondered what I had to offer anyone. I mean, if the one man who is supposed to love and cherish you the most thinks you’re worthless, how can I have a successful relationship with a man? I’m slowly beginning to realize that my dad is the one with the problem. He has a gambling addiction and an immature attitude towards life. It has nothing to do with me. I am still an amazing human being. I am special. I am loved. I am incredibly worthwhile. His feelings towards me are false.

I’m not sure where to move on from here, but I do know I have a new purpose in life. I have a new attitude. I know I have a lot to offer and I’m ready to leave my dad firmly in the past. It still hurts to see women with incredible relationships with their fathers but I know a lot has to change on his part for me to ever welcome him back into my life. He no longer has a powerful hold over my life.

I had to let go of my dad this year. And, in turn, I am embracing a brand-new, more confident me.

Race Recap: U.S. AmeriBank Brandon 5K

Good news! This will be my last race recap until late January! :)

I was pretty worried about how I would do during this race. Since the Turkey Trot, I had one run once and while it was a good run, I knew I wanted to better my time and wouldn’t be happy unless that happened.

The race was in Brandon, which meant a 30 minute drive for us. It was a little chilly in the morning, but not too bad. I would say it was in the low 50s around 6am, but headed into the high 50s/low 60s at race time. (My weather app told me it was 55 degrees at race time, but it felt much hotter. And I’m a wimp when it comes to cold weather so 55 degrees would have frozen me solid.)

My mom was running the half-marathon, as a training run for her full next month, so she headed off first at 7am. I was so nervous for her, knowing she wanted a good run after her awful trail run.

My race started at 7:30am and it was a pretty small crowd of people. I was worried that I would get behind quickly, like I did in the trail run, and not see anyone for miles. (Luckily, this didn’t happen. Although I was in the latter part of the group.) Before the race, I met Melanie! I hooked up with her through DailyMile when I saw she was running this race and it was cool to meet, although I didn’t see her afterward to keep chatting.
Boo!

The race was simple and flat. It wound through a shopping center, down a busy street, and through a subdivision, before looping back. I tried not to get too discouraged when I saw the leaders already heading back before I even finished my first mile. (The winner did it in 16:16. Crazy!)

Since I didn’t know if this race would have mile markers, I decided to employ a 12:2 run/walk ratio. The first 12 minutes were horrible, making me question my decision to want to be a runner, especially as I kept falling behind. But I kept running until I hit 12 minutes. About 30 seconds into my walk, I saw the first mile marker. Dang! At least I knew I was going at a pretty good pace.



Once my two minutes of walking were up, I began to run again, stopped for a few seconds at the water stop, and picked up my pace again. This interval wasn’t too bad, although I know I was going pretty slow. I was just focused on running and not stopping.

I took another two-minute walking break when I hit the second mile marker. I had a terrible side stitch that I had to keep massaging. I kept trying to run but it’s hard when it feels like a billion knives are poking you from the inside. I kept massaging my side until it felt like I could run with it and run I did! I ran all the way to the finish, maintaining a pretty good pace and sprinted to the finish.

Finishing time? 42:17. Another personal record for this girl!

 
One day, I will finish a race without looking like death. (Also, chip timing = my time was off by a little.)

For the past few days, I’ve been toying with the idea of training for a 10K or a half-marathon but I think I’m going to stick to 5K’s for the time being until I feel like 3 miles is easy. Right now, it’s still pretty hard and I want to be able to run the entire thing without walking. There’s nothing wrong with walking breaks, but I need to prove to myself I can run a 5K without them. I might shoot for a 10K this summer and maybe (this is a big maybe) a half-marathon next fall.

This was a great race and I would definitely run it again. I love any  race with well-placed mile markers, chip timing, and great spectator support. Even the people taking pictures were giving great support! One of them actually ran over a mile with my mom to the finish and made her keep running! The weather was great and I loved the tech tee I got. I need more long-sleeved ones and this one is perfect! I really can’t think of anything to complain about! They even gave out beer at the finish! :)

Answer me this: what’s the coldest you will walk/run in? For me, it would be anything under 45 degrees. That’s just too cold for this thin-skinned Florida girl!