It’s easy until it’s hard

I just ended my 12th week on Weight Watchers. While this isn’t my first time around, it is the longest I’ve stuck around since the summer of 2007. Usually, the program feels too hard and I know that I haven’t totally been ready to commit to this whole weight loss/getting healthy thing. I mentioned before how different this cycle feels. I feel better about how I’m eating and even better about those bad weeks. Because I know it’s not the end of the world if I have a bad week. I know it doesn’t mean I’ll forever be fat. It just means I had a bad week. That’s it! There’s no deeper meaning to connect with this, but the fact that I need to do better the following week.

Two weeks ago, my meeting leader said to us that this program is easy. It’s not hard to follow, nothing is restricted, and there isn’t a certain quota you have to meet every day. Sure, they have the “8 Healthy Guidelines” but it’s something that is more recommended than required. The Weight Watchers program is incredibly easy. Eat right, exercise, and indulge (thanks to those 49 extra weekly points).

Last week, I had an incredible week. I stayed within my points range. I got in 4 days of quality exercise, usually over an hour each time. And I went from drinking 44+ points of soda, to just 18 points. I cut my soda intake by more than half. I even had 14 extra weekly points remaining, when I usually have 0. (I use up those points, and use them up good!) Weighed in. Gained .2.

I almost cried on the scale.

I mean, I really tried hard. I ate better, drank so much more water, and really tried to cut down on my soda intake. It bummed me out, a lot. But I remained positive, telling myself that it would be OK. Next week, I would have a huge loss.

Um. Yeah. About this week. It wasn’t pretty. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve been waiting to feel like this program is too hard, takes too much out of me. This week, it happened. I was just over counting everything that I ate, being to diligent in tracking and exercise and decreasing the bad foods. I didn’t open my tracking journal once. The only thing right I did was on my soda. While I drank more of it than last week, I didn’t keep it in the house and would only have about one a day. A vast improvement from two weeks ago.

It wasn’t my best week. But it was just a week. A week where I didn’t follow the plan like I should, but not a week that totally defeated me. I’m ready to get back to it, tracking my little heart out, exercising consistently, and reducing the amount of soda and junk food I’m taking in. Sometimes, you just need a week off the program to realize how much you need the program.

Stats
Starting Weight: 159.2 lbs
Current Weight: 151.2 lbs
Net Difference: -8 lbs (+.4 over a two-week period)
BMI: 27.7 (+.1 this week)

Resolutions Check-In

At the beginning of this year, I came up with a list of ten resolutions to get me through the year. And I want to keep myself (and you guys!) updated on how well I’m progressing to completing them, since resolutions have never been something I’m good at. ;)

 

Things I’m on track to completing:

1. Get to my goal weight of 115 - 120 lbs.

While I still have a ways to go on this goal and sometimes it seems unattainable. I am on track to complete this goal. To lose 40 pounds by the end of the year, I need to lose a little over 3 pounds a month. Right now, I’m at 8ish pounds so things are going according to plan. I just hope I can keep this weight loss up!

4. Read 60 books.

I’m slightly under this goal (by 1 book) which has to do with how school has picked up. I’m very glad I marked down this goal from 100 to 60. This weekend, though, I bought a Kindle!!! I just recently jumped on the e-reader bandwagon and I’m just so excited to get it and start reading! And hopefully, it’ll help me pick up my reading to make this goal.

7. Pay off all my credit cards.

Back in February, I received a letter from my collection agency about my biggest credit card bill. When I was young and stupid, I applied for an Old Navy credit card, thinking I was only going to get about $500 (and only able to use it in-store). Nope. Instead, I was given a $2,500 VISA to use ANYWHERE. And I did. I used that card up good. And then I got in over my head and stopped paying. It’s probably been over a year since my last payment and my balance is now in the three thousands. My collection agency gave me three options to choose from: pay it all off now, pay in monthly installments, or pay what I can. I decided to go with option 2, where I pay once a month for 12 months and then I’m all caught up. My mom is also helping me out with my other two credit cards, equaling $800 total. While I won’t be completely credit card debt-free at the end of the year, I will be 90% of the way there.

 

Things happening in the near future:

3. Graduate from college.

Fingers crossed. May 8th. Fingers. Crossed. (I’m having so much anxiety that something’s going to happen to cause me not to graduate this semester.)

8. Travel.

I’ve booked a cruise for the end of May and I’m hoping once school is behind me and I enter a new stage of life, I can start traveling more. I want to see more of the United States! I’ve never traveled outside my own time zone and I’m ready for vacations outside of Orlando. Also, blogger meet-ups. Need I say more?

10. Begin therapy.

My grandma has a close friend who is a retired therapist. She worked in the school system for over 30 years and still has her license, even working freelance for the Red Cross. I asked my grandma to ask her if she would agree to see me. She agreed, for free. As soon as we get it all sorted out, I will start therapy. It’s incredibly exciting, but I’m also very nervous about it. Mostly, though, I’m ready to tackle my anxiety issues and get control of myself.

 

Things at a standstill

5. Begin working a full-time job, utilizing my degree.

I’m starting my job search next month and I’m about 50% excited, 50% scared to death. I’m excited to see what jobs are out there and hopefully score a good job fairly quickly. But I’m scared that it’ll take me months and months.

6. Join a book club.

I was thisclose to completing this goal in January. And then I flaked. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m using my anxiety as an excuse for why I don’t participate in life more and I don’t want to do that. (Although, I will admit that sometimes the books don’t interest me at all.) And I keep putting off attending because I seem to think I’ll be in an entirely different country when I graduate. I don’t know why I think this because odds are more likely I’ll still be in this city, but I need to stop putting things off because of how uncertain the future is.

 

Things I need to re-evaluate

2. Run a half-marathon.

I made this goal back at the end of December, when I was preparing to run the IronGirl Half-Marathon. I’ve since dropped down to the 5K and not sure I want to keep running in races. At least for now. It’s putting so much pressure on me, pressure I’m putting on myself. I think it’s important to reevaluate the goals you set and make new ones if it seems like the ones you set are just too high. I’m not sure what new goal I want to set, but any ideas would be welcomed!

9. Complete Project 365

I am so behind in Project 365. I started strong and then began to forget to take a picture. Life would get away from me and most days, there aren’t a lot of interesting photo ops. Between work and school and homework and watching TV…my life can be pretty boring. I’ve still been taking pictures when I remember to, but it’s definitely not Project 365. I’m not sure if I should keep taking a photo every day for this year, start P365 over, or what. What do you suggest, dear readers?

Book Review: The Shelter of God’s Promises by Sheila Walsh

  Title: The Shelter of God’s Promises 
  Author: Sheila Walsh
  Genre: Christian Non-Fiction
  Year: 2011
  Acquired: Through Booksneeze, in exchange for a fair review
  Rating: 5 of 5 stars
***


From Goodreads:
In a world of uncertainty, pain, and struggle, where do you find solid assurance and unshakeable truth?
Gifted Bible teacher and inspiring Women of Faith speaker Sheila Walsh offers powerful, heart-filled teaching on ten bedrock promises of God, providing the foundation for daily confidence, joy, and hope.

In The Shelter of God's Promises, Sheila searches Scripture for what God has promised us, what God's promises mean, and how encounters with Christ are the eternal fulfillment of His unrelenting commitment to us. In this riveting walk through some of the Bible's most compelling stories, Walsh unveils ten foundational promises of God that secure our lives during even the most difficult times. Sheila weaves her hallmark storytelling, inspiring personal experience, and Scripture to help readers gain a trust in God that will sustain them for a lifetime.

My Review:


I chose to review this book because my faith lately has been very stagnant. I still believe and I’m still attending church, but that’s about it. I don’t open my Bible regularly and only think of praying when I need something, so then I feel bad about only going to God when I need him to do something for me that I just have cut off all communication between the two of us. I want that fire back. I want to remember why I believe. This book, by one of my favorite women of God, had an intriguing title that I thought was worth checking out.
Throughout the entire book, Walsh weaves in stories from her own life and stories from the days when Jesus walked the earth to paint a picture of God’s promises. What He promises. Why He promises. And how He is bringing those problems to fruition, even when we feel like He’s working against us. A lot of the book centered upon the question: Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do we have to struggle so much? It’s a question that I ask again and again, especially as it relates to everything that’s been heaped upon my grandparent’s plates lately. They are two of the Godliest people I know, who never seem to falter in their faith…yet God is bringing them through some major valleys.

The answers lie in God’s promises. He never promised us we would have an easy life. It reminds me of a song by Britt Nicole where she sings: “You never said this road would be easy, but You said that You would never leave. And You never promised that this life wasn’t hard, but You promised to take care of me.” So incredibly true. God knows of our troubles, He already has a plan to take care of them. This isn’t something He is ever surprised by. He is always working to create good out of our troubles. And we have hope, incredible, lasting hope, that He will see us through our bad times and be there to walk us through those easy times, as well.

If you’re struggling with your faith, struggling as to why you believe or why you’re dealing with such hardship, pick up this book. It will show you why.

And, in closing, I want to share my favorite quote from the book:

"Jesus doesn't give us what we believe we need. He gives us what He knows we need, and He gives it out of love for us, deep, undeniable love."

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am diclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising".

Well, I Didn’t Die…

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I have never shown my fiction. Writing a fiction novel is something that I was obsessed with when I was younger, but has fallen to the wayside as I’ve become more involved with blogging, journalism, and life in general. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but never something I have sat down to seriously consider.

Thursday was the day I had to show my fiction to a group of classmates. I am a very shy and quiet student, tending to stay in the background and never feeling the need to raise my hand to volunteer my work, or offer an opinion. So having an entire classroom of writers, some being exceptionally good writers, having their full attention on me was incredibly nerve-wracking. I knew of my date from mid-January: March 24. I would have to showcase my fiction to a group of people I barely knew. As I read through my story again and again, I fall more deeply in love with my characters and feel like they are such a part of me. I wouldn’t say I was scared of the criticism, because I know it was done only to make the story stronger, but having all of the attention focused on me and my work wasn’t something I necessarily coveted.

I was pleased as punch when my classmates began to trickle in slowly. By 11am, at the class start time, we only had 9 people. Unfortunately, my professor stalled for time to wait to see if anyone else would show up. They did, and I eventually read my story to 16 classmates. I had decided to print out copies for people to read off of, instead of pulling it up on the computer to be flashed on the screen. It was less scary that way. And it also gave people a way to write down comments they had on the piece as it was right there to look at.

The first comment, made by a guy, was a little harsh. While we are supposed to start off with what we like, he started off with criticism, saying he didn’t know these characters at all and I made the man figure (Jay) too perfect. Luckily, I had a rebuttal in the form of a girl who agreed Jay was a little perfect, but she understand the character development. From then on, classmates began to offer suggestions and feedback.

The good: The story has a nice flow and reads well. The story concept is a great one and, even overwhelming, in the possibilities to grow it. Most people liked Ava’s character and thought she was well-developed. They loved the last scene with Jay and Ava and this is where he is developed best, being controlling. And they loved the ending.

The bad: I made Jay a little too perfect, which I agree with. I was trying not to make him out to be a bad guy, and I think I went too far into the realm of perfection. Dialogue is a little stilted at times and should always move the story along. One girl also made the point of saying that the line “God had different plans” leads the reader to think everything will work out, but it really doesn’t. I think that was such a striking point that I agreed with. I need to show more of Jay and Ava having disagreements, instead of the only one at the coffee shop.

Things to ponder: I received so much great feedback on how to improve this story! One such piece of advice was to make the dress a symbol. Make Ava see how imperfect it really is, even if it is breath-taking on the outside. Another one was to really play on the controlling man vs. insecure woman angle and show that a lot through dialogue and actions. A girl also brought up a great point of how it seems as if Ava, who used to be very insecure, has found a sense of self and independence through this attention she’s getting from Jay, which, in turn, causes her to apply for the study-abroad opportunity. I wanted to KISS THAT GIRL ON THE MOUTH when she said that because it’s never something I ever thought of but it makes perfect sense!

All in all, it was a great experience. I do have to do another reading on April 19, which gives me a few weeks to make it a whole lot better. (And if you’re interested in reading the edited version, let me know in the comments and I’ll make a list of who to send it to!) I’m glad I’ve stuck with this class and it’s caused me to learn so much about the writing process. I still want to be a writer, but I know it’s not as easy as it looks. But there’s something there, a smidge of talent that I need to refine and keep working towards.

Help Wanted

I need your help.

Last summer, I began to notice how bad my skin was breaking out. I’ve never been one to have a smooth, clear complexion but I never suffered from acne as a teenager. But, oh boy, is my face getting me back for those smooth years. I break out a couple times a week and it’s not pretty. I’m very hesitant to try any type of specialized acne cream because I think my problem is simply from eating too many sweets and drinking too much sugary soda. And I think it’s also due to not properly washing my face at night.

Because of that, I decided to go make-up free around Thanksgiving. I wanted to see if going make-up free would help my complexion at all. Verdict? Just a smidge, but nothing earth-shattering. Since then, I’ve been pretty lax on wearing make-up. I never wear it during the week (my job is not conducive to a full face of make-up) and only on special occasions. Right now, I’m using the Cetaphil system for my face-washing routine. I use the cleaner in the morning and at night, the heavier lotion for nighttime, and the lighter one for the morning time. What I’ve gained the most from this is a smoother-feeling face. I can’t say it does a great job at helping with shine control, but it does make my skin feel awesome and has helped to clear up my acne a little. And I think a cleaner diet would clear the rest up.

But I don’t want your help for my skin issues. I want your help regarding make-up. Currently, I barely wear anything because I don’t like how I feel when I wear it. It makes my skin feel heavy and oily, and I constantly have to reapply to keep the shine at bay. And I’m also concerned that I look like I’m wearing a separate head on my body, with the way I can never find a shade that suits my skin tone! It’s always either too light or too dark.

So I’m coming to you, blog world. I need your recommendations for great make-up: mainly foundation and skin coverage, but if you want to tell me your favorite mascara or eye shadow or lipstick, go right ahead!

Here’s what I’m mainly looking for:

• Something that covers well. As stated before, my skin doesn’t look perfect and I want something that can cover up the majority of it and still look natural.
• Something that works well with the shine ball I am. My skin thrives on being oily. I want something that helps to control it.
• Something that lasts. I have never met a foundation that lasts longer than a few hours. I hate reapplying every 2 hours.
• Something that’s light. I hate the feeling of make-up on my skin because it makes my face feel like it’s suffocating. I mean, it’s 2011. We have to have make-up that feels like air, right?

What say you, blog world?

Book Review: You Don’t Love This Man by Dan DeWeese

  Title: You Don’t Love This Man
  Author: Dan DeWeese
  Genre: Fiction
  Year: 2011
  Acquired: Through TLC Book Tours, in exchange for an honest review
  Rating: 4 of 5 stars

  *I stole this above idea from Kathleen’s blog.






From Goodreads:
A novel about fatherhood, marriage . . . and bank robbery.
On the morning of his daughter Miranda's wedding, Paul learns that the bank he manages has been robbed—apparently by the same man who robbed it twenty-five years before. As if that weren't enough, Miranda, who is set to marry Paul's former best friend—a man twice her age—seems to have gone missing.

Struggling to reconcile his little girl with the grown woman he's about to walk down the aisle (if he can find her), to accept his onetime peer as his future son-in-law, and to comprehend the strange coincidence of being robbed by the same man two decades apart, Paul takes stock of everything leading up to this moment—as he attempts to navigate the day's many surprises while questioning the motives and choices of those around him.

My review:


I’ll admit, it took me a while to get into this book. I don’t read too many books from a male character’s point of view and it was hard to connect to Paul at first. He seemed a little self-centered and self-righteous, especially in dealing with his female co-workers. Gradually, as the story progressed, I began to absolutely fall in love with every part of this book. I grew to love Paul’s character, as a father who just wants what’s best for his daughter. He’s stuck in a cycle of mediocrity, divorced with an adult child and a lackluster career. As the book follows him through this day of dealing with a bank robbery and trying to find his daughter, he begins to reflect on how he got here -- from his career to his divorced status to befriending this guy his daughter is now marrying.

As I got used to the writing style and the dynamics between present-day and the past, I couldn’t put this book down. There was a powerful message hidden beneath the cover. While it was hard to relate to some aspects as I’m younger and female, there was an underlying message of life. It is what you make of it and past experiences can shape your tomorrow. It’s cliché, but it’s also incredibly true. Paul is discovering how silent he has been throughout his life and this is the first time he’s really stood up for what he believes in and wants.
I would recommend this book for anyone in search of a great book that stretches the bounds of regular fiction. It’s a book for someone searching to read something with a bigger, deeper meaning. For me, being 23 and on the verge of graduating from college and really beginning my adult life, it was a different perspective and view on things. It’s a book about fatherhood, it’s a book about life, and it’s a book about acknowledging the choices we’ve made and moving on from them.

On Dreams, & How I’m Not Sitting On One of Them Anymore

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As I was preparing to sign up for classes last semester, I knew I would need to sign up for a filler class in order to keep my scholarship. Technically, I only need 3 classes to graduate but I need 12 hours for my scholarship. So I signed up for Creative Writing (actually called: Form and Technique of Fiction). And when I learned that we would need to write a short story and read it out loud, a small part of me wanted to drop the class. But a bigger part of me wanted to see this thing through and to stop putting my creative writing career on hold. My biggest dream in life is to become a published author, but I’m not doing anything towards that goal. This short story would be the kick-start I needed to take this dream and make it a reality.

At first, I had no idea of what I wanted to write about. What genre? What age range? What character?

Luckily, my professor had us do a lot of writing exercises and one such exercise gave me the perfect beginning. I am so in love with this beginning. I am never one to toot my own horn, but I happen to think it’s pretty fantastic: it draws the reader in and makes them want to read on. At least that’s what I think!

The first time around, my story had a lot of holes in it. I didn’t particularly like the main character and she was very two-dimensional. The story didn’t flow in the right way and I was almost ready to toss the entire thing and try a completely different story.

Then I decided to test out a new character. And it all came together. The character was more likeable, the plot more believable. The story flowed so much better and I get this little flutter in my stomach as I read it through. Is it the best story to ever be written? Absolutely not. Will it win me a dozen awards? Nope. But it’s a piece of me, it took a lot of work to get it in the shape it is now and I know I still have more edits to do on it. Thanks to some harsh, but completely true, critiques from Kendra (whom I will be hiring as my editor when I become rich and famous, just so you know), I took a story that was laying on shaky foundation and turned it around into a story that can stand on its own two feet.

Writing this story was a lot of work. There were many edits, many changes, many freak-outs. But it was also incredibly fun. I can see myself doing this again and again. This short story gave me the spark I needed to get serious about writing my novel, to stop putting my dreams on hold until the perfect time comes. (Because, really, when will it be the perfect time?) I’m more determined than ever to get my foot in the writing world, no matter how hard it is.

Come Thursday, I will be ready to read my story out loud. There will be butterflies, but I’m pretty positive there will be more excited butterflies than nervous butterflies. I think I can handle any critiques that are thrown my way, because it’s all in the name of improvement. I’ve been worried that being critiqued on my creative writing will defeat me since I am very sensitive, but I imagine it will only serve to help me to another look at my story in a different way. And make it so much better.

If you want to read my story, let me know in the comments and I’ll send the file to you.

What are some dreams you’ve been sitting on for a while?

Drastic

This week, I decided I had to do something drastic. My water consumption is pitiful and I will admit to days when I don’t drink one ounce of water at all. And it’s because of soda. I love soda and I drink way too much of it. Since joining Weight Watchers, I’ve been doing better on drinking less but it’s still a huge issue. It means I’m wasting 4+ points a day on soda and not getting in the correct amount of water.

I have to drastically cut it out of my life, because what I’m doing isn’t working. And no, I’m not excited about this at all.

At first, I thought about giving myself a specific amount of water to drink, starting at 24oz. I would shoot for drinking 24oz of water a day and gradually bump the amount up until I was drinking 70-80 ounces a day. …And that barely ever happened. Even though I have two pretty nifty water bottles that measure out to 24oz, water is not my favorite thing to drink. And if I have the option to choose water or soda, I will choose soda 98% of the time. This way wasn’t working.

So then I started setting aside days of the week where I wouldn’t have any soda, calling them “No Coke Days.” Since starting back at Weight Watchers in January, I’ve only done this a few times and it’s only been for one day. It was going well and I was hoping to add more days without Coke, but then shingles happened and all healthy eating flew out the window for a week. I’ve been able to get back in the swing of things with my eating, but not with my soda intake.

Soda is my biggest problem when it comes to getting healthy. I do fine with exercise, sticking within my points range, and eating only when I’m hungry. But soda? Forget it. It’s an addiction. And since I only drink regular Coke, it means I have to count at least 4 points for each serving. My mom drinks Diet Coke, but I’ve tried to stay away from diet soda because I know it would only cause me to drink it even more. At least with regular soda, I have to account for it and it makes me stay somewhat in control. (Or at least that’s what I tell myself.)

But the time has come to gain control over this area. I want to stop wishing I could cut down on how much soda I drink and just do it. And I am. I am giving myself a limit of 3 sodas a week. As of right now, I’m not going to count Wednesday night into this equation, although I might as the weeks go by. I am no longer going to buy it, because it only causes me to reach for the syrupy stuff more than water. I can choose to have it three times and once I’ve had it those three times, that’s it. No more. I think cutting it out this way is better in the long run because I’m leaving room for cravings, but it’s also going to be a big cut in how much soda I drink on a weekly basis. For example, last week, I had around 11 servings of Coke (12oz/serving.) This doesn’t count what I had on Wednesday night, heh. Going from 11 to 3 is going to be a drastic shift.

My main reason for quitting the Coke is to have more energy. I know the amount of sugar I have in each Coke isn’t helping anything. It will also free up a lot of my points! 11 servings of Coke = 44 points. Sickening, really. And hopefully, this will lead to another great week of weight loss. :)

Stats
Starting Weight: 159.2 lbs
Current Weight: 150.8 lbs
Net Difference: 8.4 lbs (-.8 lbs this week)
BMI: 27.6 (-.1 this week)

Sources: 1, 2, 3

Photoshoot

A few months ago, I began searching out websites like Shutterfly and Tiny Print for graduation announcements. I will finally graduate in May with my Bachelor’s degree and I’m excited to share the news with family and friends!

But I needed photos. I needed good photos. I needed someone who knew their way around a camera to work with me to create great photos, not just for my announcements, but also for professional arenas.

Enter Emily.

I met Emily in the Fall of 2009, when we took the same class together. We were paired up for a project, became Facebook friends, and the rest is history! (We actually became better friends as she launched her blog and asked me for advice!)

I knew from past conversations that Emily was a pretty good photographer. She had taken some classes as part of the journalism program, and I would hear of other people in classes talking about how good she was. So I asked her if she wouldn’t mind photographing me for some graduation snapshots.

She agreed, actually thanking me for giving her the opportunity to gain some experience in people-picture-taking. (I’m not sure of the correct photographer word…)

We met on Saturday in Downtown St. Petersburg, near the Museum of Fine Arts and strolled around the area for some great photo ops. It was my first real photoshoot experience (aside from the one I took for my newspaper article), and Emily was perfect, saying things like, “You’re so natural!” and “Ooh…that one looks like Reese Witherspoon.” I can be extremely awkward, especially if I’m getting photographed, so I’m so happy I was able to do this with someone I already knew and was comfortable around.

(Plus, she loaned me some quarters so the meter maid wouldn’t fine me. She’s awesome.)

Oh…you want pictures? All you had to do was ask!

 

…And these are just a smidge of what she sent me, which is just a smidge of the entire pile of photos. I’m so excited to get the whole loot to sift through.

Confessions, Part 5

1. I can’t stand the word “totes”. I know a ton of people use it, but it sounds totally teeny-bopper.

2. I’ve only had froyo once, and it was plain with sprinkles on top. And it was nasty. Last weekend, I found out that a mall near me is opening a PINKBERRY! Color me excited!

3. I’ve had a Kindle sitting in my shopping cart on Amazon for over a month now. I’m still undecided. (Convince me?)

4. Sometimes, I get consumed with thoughts of Dutch dying. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it. He’s like an extension of me.

5. I am extremely worried that I’ll still be working at my preschool months after I graduate. I don’t hate my job there, but I am most definitely ready for something new.

6. Yesterday, I found out the reason for my phone battery draining so quickly: Ubersocial, my Twitter app on my phone. I had it set to auto-refresh every minute and didn’t exactly see the little disclaimer that said setting auto-refresh for anything less than every 5 minutes with severely drain your battery. Uh…whoops?

7. I can’t bring myself to give away a baby doll I had since I was 7.

8. As much as I loved supporting her, the day of my mom’s marathon was the worst day of my life. I was running on no sleep or food and worried the entire time about her. Plus, it was cold and we were outside for 8+ hours. I’m so incredibly proud of her and loved being in that environment, but next time, I’m doing things a lot differently.

9. I could never have another drop of alcohol and I would be absolutely fine. The same can not be said about soda.

10. I’ve never gotten anything aside from a Frappuccino from Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee on a regular basis, and it’s always more of a treat when I end up getting something from there. Fraps taste like a coffee milkshake!

11. I’m finding running 100% more enjoyable now that I’m running for fun, and not for a ridiculous goal.

12. In September, I had my running gait analyzed and found out I’m a bad overpronater. So I bought stability shoes and now I think I’m supinating, due to the way the bottom of my shoes have worn away. My feet are weird.

13. I’m currently playing 13 Words With Friends games. I’m a bit addicted. (Add me? Username is stephanywrites and I promise I’m an easy opponent. Heh.)

14. I haven’t been to the movies since May, when I saw Letters to Juliet.

15. There are 66 days until my cruise but it’s hard to get excited about it when I’m caught up in another semester of school. But after graduation? Oh, it’s on!

What are some of your confessions today?

Dealing With Anxiety, Pt. 2

Towards the end of January, I posted the first part of this series. Basically, I talked about the little things that were happening in my life that made me believe I was dealing with One Big Problem. Since then, I’ve been very hesitant to continue with this series. I’ve never been diagnosed and most of what I believe about myself regarding anxiety is from what I’m reading on websites. Some days, I feel as if I’m dealing with anxiety and need to seek help to conquer it…and other days, I feel as if I’m only dealing with a severe case of introvertedness. (<—not a word.)

But the fact remains that there’s something going on. And I need to figure out what it is before it consumes my entire life.

After searching for a while, I fell on this website. Every scenario outlined, I found myself nodding my head to and agreeing with. Yes, that’s me. Yes, exactly. Yes, I know that feeling. At that point, it seemed as if it was all coming together. I had a name: Social Anxiety Disorder. Better than a name, I had a reason for the way I was. This wasn’t something I needed to get over and grow up from. This was the way my mind is programmed. There is a reason behind my weirdness. But as much as I nodded my head and agreed, as I continued reading, my stomach began to churn. I began to question if this was really me. Is this the person I’ve become? So afraid of my environment, so fearful of being judged? This can’t be me! I lead a pretty full life of college and work and hanging out with my… mom.

I borrowed a book from the library last month about Social Anxiety. And while some parts made me tear up that finally, someone is talking about all those things I’ve dealt with, there were parts that didn’t seem to completely fit me. But then again, maybe they do.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers can’t hold a job. I can, but I struggle with taking initiative, fearful of stepping on toes or having someone tell me I’m doing it the wrong way.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers can’t go out to social scenes. I do, but I am very careful to create an environment where I am comfortable. I will take a friend or my mom along. If all else fails, I will sit in a corner, trying to look busy on my phone, making sure I send off enough danger vibes to keep everyone away.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers develop a fear of intimacy. I can agree wholeheartedly with this statement. I shy away from any guy who tries to show me attention. I’ve never had a typical guy-girl relationship. While I know so many people who are afraid to be alone, I worry I’m this strange girl who actually fears being with someone. There are days I long to have a partner in life and days when I think life is just easier solo.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers have a fear of public embarrassment. This is actually a pretty normal fear, especially stage fright, and it’s never been enough to take over my life. I’ve made speeches to classes and even did student teaching, where I was constantly judged by more experienced teachers. Maybe it’s completely normal, but I find myself start blushing, grow hot, and feel shaky whenever I’m put on the spot. I seem to forget my entire vocabulary and lose trains of thoughts justlikethat. Whenever I was student teaching, I was constantly stumbling over words and leaving long pauses when I knew my teachers were watching me. I feel like this is a normal reaction, though, so it’s never been something I’ve worried too much about. But maybe there’s more to this than I realized.

And there are other symptoms I deal with:

• Avoiding plans with friends because I’m worried about how they will judge me or laugh at me, for silly things I might say.
• Feeling as if my heart is going to beat out of my chest when I have to call someone, even if it’s just a simple call to my grandparents.
• Not being able to successfully live on campus by myself. I came home every weekend, and ended up moving back after my freshman year. I didn’t like the social atmosphere and found it extremely hard to make friends.

While I don’t feel as if I have an extreme case of Social Anxiety, there is something going on. It could end up being an extreme case of being an introvert. I honestly don’t know. But as I read up on it, it becomes apparent that all these things I thought just added to my weirdness, are actually symptoms of Social Anxiety. It just feels nice to put a name to it all.

Vlog Friday (4)

First of all, I need to address all the wonderful comments made on Wednesday’s post. I was actually really worried about it, because I wasn’t sure how people would react to it. But I forgot how fricken awesome the blog world is. You guys rock my pants off and I will be responding to all the comments this weekend! I love you guys. Seriously.

Onto another Vlog Friday! Today, I’m answering Kathleen’s questions. It was a fun vlog to film, but kind of long! Bear with me. :) As always, leave me questions in the comments to answer in upcoming vlogs!

Who is your biggest celebrity crush?

Sometimes, I...

...buy a bag of Robin Eggs and finish the entire thing in a 24-hour time period. And try to feel guilty about it but can't, because they are just that good.

...forget to charge my iPod and a scheduled run turns into an unscheduled walk.

...stop tracking my food deliberately and feel completely out of control.

...realize how much tracking helps me stay accountable and, most of all, more in control of my body.

...experience anxiety on weeks when I'm not working as hard as I need to be at this weight loss thing, worrying I will never be able to control myself and always be labeled as fat.

...get annoyed by the perfectionists in my Weight Watchers meetings.

...think the best part of my week is after weigh-in, when I get to eat whatever I want and not worry about points values.

...experience major exercise guilt, either from not working out or not working out as hard as I wanted to.

...think about quitting soda cold turkey, but I know I would be miserable.

...get really jealous of others' weight loss successes.

...make a really good, healthy choice over a really bad, unhealthy choice and feel completely satisfied and proud of myself.

...forget how good an early morning workout feels. I wish I could do that every day.

...think I have a really bad week and will never see successful weight loss...and end up losing more weight than I thought I could.

Stats

Starting Weight: 159.2 lbs

Current Weight: 151.6 lbs

Net Difference: 7.6 lbs (-3.2 this week)

BMI: 27.7 (-.6 this week)

On Quitting 13.1

I didn't want to write this post.

I didn't want to admit that I took on a challenge too big, that I couldn't do something it seems everyone and their mother has done or will do in the upcoming months. I hate failure more than anything, especially when it comes from myself. Past experiences have led me to an obsession with achievement and winning, never failure.

I've been training to run the IronGirl Half-Marathon for a few weeks now. At first, I was incredibly excited. What an amazing accomplishment this will be! I told myself to enjoy the process, not worry about how long a distance of thirteen miles is. This was for the experience, not for any sort of time goal. The important part was to enjoy it.

At first, I was shooting to finish within 3 hours. If I could make it within that time frame, I would be incredibly happy with myself. Then I started to realize how hard it would be to keep up that pace, when I'm walking a good portion of it. I'm not a fast runner by any means and neither am I a fast walker. (Darn short legs.) I began to tell myself to forget about finishing within 3 hours. Instead, focus on finishing my miles and preparing my mind for race day. Enjoy the experience.

I wasn't enjoying anything. My runs were painful and almost every long run made me cry and beat myself up in frustration. Every run made me question why I was doing this. Why did I shoot for such a lofty goal when it's still hard to run just a mile? Is this something I want to do or am I doing this for other people? Am I doing this to fit in to this crazy blogging world where everyone seems to love running and training for marathons? (At least in the healthy-living world. And not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I stressed myself out to the point of shingles. My body had to physically let me know I was under major stress and needed to make serious changes before things got worse. My low immune system also played a role in this, but so did stress. Stress about training, about the race, about how others would view me as a quitter if I dropped out of the half-marathon.

To be completely honest, I didn't want to admit on this blog that I was quitting again. I didn't want to let everyone down. I had so many people rooting for me, telling me I could do this. I hate the connotation of being a quitter, but I guess it's a label I have to take on. Because I am. I'm quitting. I'm dropping down to the 5K, from 13 miles to 3.

When I made the decision, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt free. I felt as if I could finally breathe again. But it also sucks. I know I'm going to feel awful come race day with all the half-marathon runners and me - still running baby 5K races. But I also know it's the best decision. My body - physically or mentally - isn't prepared for 13 miles. As much as I pushed myself, my body finally pushed back and told me enough is enough. This isn't a decision I made lightly or in the heat of the moment. It's a decision that feels right.

My plan is to keep running, but keep the distances small. Build up my stamina and endurance so my body will be ready to tackle a half-marathon some day in the future. Start with one-mile runs and gradually increase, as I feel my body getting stronger. I want to give this running thing its fair shot because I so badly want to be a runner. I want to be one of you guys.

April 10th doesn't feel like Doomsday anymore. It feels like a normal day where I will go out and try to kill my previous PR of 42:32. So maybe it's not quitting. Maybe it's just being smart.

Sources: x, x

Ten on Tuesday (The Name Game)

1. How did your parents decide on your name?
My father originally wanted to name me Doogabock. I'm not sure of the spelling because it's not a real word. Luckily, my mom vetoed that nomination but wanted my name to be a little different, so I wound up with Stephany. I hated it growing up, but I've grown to love the unique spelling.

2. Do your initials (First, Middle, Last) spell out anything funny?
No. It spells out SMR, which always makes me think of the Smurfs.

3. Did you taken your middle name from childhood or did you take your maiden name as your middle name? (If unmarried, what do you plan to do?)
I'm taking my husband's last name when I eventually marry. I have no connection to the last name I currently have and pretty much hate it. (It's super German and nobody pronounces it right!) I would probably drop my last name, if I can do that. Just keep my first and middle name the same, with my husband's name as my last name.

4. Are you or will you name your children thematically (i.e., same first letter, all of the same origin...)
I've known quite a few families that have all their children's names the same first letter. I think it's kind of cute. I don't know if I'll end up doing the same, but it is an option I would consider. Right now, the whole multiple kids ordeal is so far in the future, I'm not even thinking about it.

5. Did you decide on baby names as a little girl? Did you stick to them or change your mind?
Not as a little girl, but probably around fifth grade was when I started really thinking about baby names. I used to be obsessed with them! But my favorites would change rather frequently, so I expect the names I do settle on for my babies will be a lot different than I imagined.

6. Does your family have any names that have been passed down through generations?
No. I mean, my brother does have my dad's name but they have different middle names. And he didn't carry on the name to his son.

7. Do you look at the meaning of the name or just the name itself?
Honestly, I don't put too much stock in meanings. I think they're important, but not so much that it hinders my decisions. For example, the name "Mallory" is one I love and it's the name of a cousin of mine. Meaning? "Ill-omened." Meanings carry very little weight for me.

8. Do you name pets with human names (Sally, Henry) or with pet names (Fluffy, Mr. Bo Bo)?
With all the dogs I've had (Minnie, Buford, Dutch), they've all been named previously so I had no input on that. (Although I did name the dog next door Rory, because he looks like one.) I had a bird, once, that I named Rachel. And a hamster named Shadow (from Homeward Bound...). I also had fish that I named Jack, Rose, Ti, and Tanic. I am nothing if not original. (And I also had a strange obsession with Titanic as a fifth-grader.)

9. Are there any names you have an affinity or dislike based on a childhood experience/someone you once knew?
There are a few names I've taken off my list thanks to other people having the same name. Sometimes, it just ruins the name, you know? And then there's the names I used to hate due to knowing someone with the name, but then grew to love after knowing someone else with the same name.

10. What are some of your favorite names? Why?
I can't give a reason to why I like these names so much, but I just love them. For girls: Aubrey, Bailey, and Lucia. For boys: Levi, Jonah, and Noah.

*Hosted by Chelsea

Odds and Ends, the March Edition

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• It feels like anytime I write a post on how sometimes I need to step away from blogging to focus on other things, life always calms down enough for me to connect back with my blog. That's what happened this week. While I talked about needing to step away, I managed to find time this week to post six times since Saturday. Funny how that works.
  
  
  
• On my Ten on Tuesday post, I talked about how sucky my Blackberry's battery is. Here's the proof: yesterday, I took my phone off the charger at 6:10am (fully charged). I locked the screen and did not touch it until 10:15am to find that two and a half of my bars were gone. I had Twitter updates and e-mails from both my personal and school accounts but how do I lose that much power if I'm not even using it? I turned it off at 11am until 12:15pm and by 1:30pm, my battery was completely drained. That is how bad this battery life is. I wasn't even using it fully during the time it was turned on, just every now and then. I have turned off all LED notifications and wifi, since I use the Sprint network. I close out of my programs the right way, not just clicking off them. I just got this phone in August and had to get a new battery because the one I had before was bad. I want to get my battery checked out again, but I'm learning that it might just be this type of phone. And if so, I really wish they would let me get something new. What do you think? Is it worth it going up to a Sprint store to get the battery checked out?
  
  
  
• I tried going for a walk yesterday with my dog, but my heart really wasn't into it. It put me in an awful mood for the rest of the night. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to workout unless I know I'm going to feel it. There's a saying that you never regret waking up early to go to the gym, but you always regret not going. For me, it's such a false statement. I regret a lot of workouts because I don't put my full heart and soul into them. Going for a walk around my neighborhood isn't a workout. A part of me wanted to take off on a full run, but a bigger part knew what a terrible idea that would have been. And I know I do need to still take it easy. Even though I'm feeling much better, I'm still not completely healed. I still have the blisters and they still sting from time to time. I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself, which I think is the biggest thing I've learned from this virus.
  
  
  
• I am completely enraptured with American Idol again. I tried to boycott, but I love this show. I wasn't happy with the hiring of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, but they are actually pretty good! I still miss Simon, especially when they try to be too nice. Sometimes, I just want raw truth. Favorites so far? Casey, Scotty, Paul, and Jacob. No girls really stick out for me. The boys are so much better this year.
  
  
  
• I'm making some big, huge changes to my blog in the next few months. I've cleaned up my sidebar a little, leaving it pretty minimalist. I'm still playing around with it, which I think is one of the most fun things about having a blog. Another big change is that I'm having a custom design! One of the girls I have a huge blog crush on is working with me to create a brand-new design. I'm really excited about it, because I have no doubt she's going to do an amazing job.
  
  
  
• Oh, and the biggest news? I bought my own domain name! I bought it through Blogger because it was the easiest way to go. Earlier on, I had thoughts of switching to Wordpress and buying a domain through them, but Blogger makes is so user-friendly. And since I love Blogger (my only complaint is I wish they had password-protected posts), sticking with them was an easy decision. I am a little confused on if you need to resubscribe to my feed, although my .blogspot will redirect to my domain name. Anybody know?
  
  
  
• This week has seemed the longest in the history of ever. I am so glad it's finally Friday. I can't wait to catch up on sleep, finish my short story (any takers to look it over and give me feedback?), and do some shopping. 

What are your plans for the weekend?

This Week

This week wasn't a good week. This week was full of ups and downs. Full of pain and burning. This week was one where I only opened my tracking journal once. This week was more about dealing with my physical pain than focusing on my eating habits. More about lounging around, napping and taking care of myself. Less about go, go, go and run, run, run. This week I learned that I need to slow down. I need to build up my immune system. I need to take care of myself. This week I gave myself permission not to track my food and focus instead on getting better.

It was a tough week. I didn't work out once because when my blisters grew, I knew the worst thing I could do would be to aggravate them by sweating and pulling on them. Plus, for most of the week, it was a struggle just to walk without them burning or stinging so that was never even an option. I'm not someone who pushes through the pain and exercises anyway. It's a struggle for me to get my butt to the gym on good days, so on bad days? Forget it. Not happening. I will say I miss exercising. I miss pumping those endorphins into my system and feeling amazed about what my body just did for me. And there were times I wondered how I would be able to survive if I had to wait weeks to exercise again. I never thought I had such a strong pull for exercising, but I guess I do!

As for my eating habits, the last thing I felt like doing was writing down every single thing I was eating. Sure, I was most definitely emotionally eating this week. But you know what? I don't really care. It was an odd week. It wasn't as if I had a test coming up and I was eating my emotions because of that. It wasn't because I had a little cold, or had some rough days at work. No. I had shingles. Shingles! I'm still a little weirded out by the fact I got this virus, but I gave myself permission for the week off. I tried making healthier decisions but, for the most part, I took a chill pill from it all. Sometimes, you just have to have weeks when you emotionally eat. It's not like I'm never going to do this again. I probably will. I'll probably do it in the next few months. And sometimes, you just have to give yourself a break. Take a look at what's causing you to emotionally eat and decide if it's worth it or not. Sometimes, it is. At least in my world.

That's not to say I'm not trying to kick this emotional eating habit. I totally am. And if this were a test, a rough day at work, or being delivered bad news - I wouldn't give myself a break. But illness? I give myself a break when I'm ill. (And also, why does my appetite always increase when I'm sick? If I'm going to get shingles, at least suppress my appetite! Geesh!) Since I started the program close to two months ago, this is only the second time I've had a week like this. For me, this means I'm doing pretty good. (This used to happen every 2-3 weeks.)

All in all, not my finest week. But I have owned it and I'm looking forward to next week. On Tuesday, I woke  up to discover my blisters looking tremendously better and feeling good. Yesterday was the first time since last Tuesday that I finally felt like myself again. The burning/stinging is minimal and nothing near what it was at the beginning of this. I've taken it super easy this past week and I think my body has calmed itself down. (Although I still think it was more of a low immune system and the stress I'm under just caused it all to come to a head.) I'm attempting to get into some light exercise today, so I'm looking for suggestions. I want something that's not going to pull too much on the sides of my body, where my blisters are. A walk on the treadmill? The elliptical? What would you guys suggest?

Stats 

Starting Weight:  159.2 lbs
Current Weight: 154.8 lbs
Net Difference: -4.4 lbs (+2.6 lbs this week)
BMI: 28.3 (+.3 this week)

Ten on Tuesday (On a Wednesday)

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1. What type of cell phone do you have and how would you rate it?
I have a Blackberry Curve and it's alright. I think my only complaint about it is the battery life, because it honestly doesn't last more than 3-4 hours, even if I use it minimally. Most likely, I'm going to get the EVO in August when my contract is up for renewal. My mom has the EVO Shift and I'm pretty much in love.

2. What has been your most serious injury?
This past summer, when I sprained my ankle. It was a pretty bad sprain and I don't think I did it any favors by walking around Aquatica and Sea World on it. It had a pretty good bruise on it, which makes me wonder if I actually broke it, but it ended up healing on its own. I took about three weeks off exercise to make sure it was 100% healed. Sometimes, if I bend my ankle too much in the direction I sprained it in, it hurts.

3. What is one movie you hate and why?
There are actually quite a few. I hated Napoleon Dynamite and then there was that movie Stealing Harvard with Tom Green. Awful! I saw it with a bunch of friends and had to pretend I really liked it because they did.

4. How many e-mail addresses do you have?
Just two. I have my personal one, also connected with this blog. And I have the one I use for school. I really need to make a third one for my more "professional" life, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

5. What website do you waste the most time on?Most definitely, Google Reader. I spend way too much time catching up on blogs but it's also something I love to do. I don't know how I lived before Reader. Seriously.

6. What Mexican restaurant makes the best salsa?
Beats me. I'm not a fan of Mexican food so I wouldn't even know where to begin.

7. What is your dream car?
Honestly, any car would be good right now. My mom has been so incredibly awesome to let me use hers for work and school, but I know she wants her car back! It's one of the first big, adult purchases I'll be making once I have a big, adult job.

8. If you could spend up to $100 with no strings or restrictions or guilt, what would you buy?
A Kindle! I've been on the fence about e-readers but since everyone who has one loves it, I can't stop thinking about getting one. It would be so useful on my cruise in May!

9. What is your favorite board game?
Trivial Pursuit! My whole family hates it, but I absolutely love this game! Also, Apples to Apples is so much fun with a group.

10. How often do you change your hairstyle?
Pretty often. I have to pay a good chunk of change for my haircuts, so I always want to make sure I'm getting my money's worth! Every time I go to get a haircut, I always want to do something wild and crazy. Usually, it's never anything more than a slightly shorter style or bangs, but it's always something.

*Hosted by Chelsea

March

February's goals didn't quite pan out like I expected. My running goals changed dramatically. Although I was running 3 times a week, it came to the point where I was just trying to finish the miles, not running for any time goal. And now I've come to a dead stop. Since I'm not exercising until my shingles are completely gone, it's all up in the air. I could be back in the game next weekend, or it could take a matter of weeks. It changes a lot.

My other goals included starting recipe cards and establishing a bedtime routine. Two big negatives. I'm really terrible at getting to bed at a decent hour and it means lots of snooze button hits and running around in the morning trying to get everything ready in a matter of minutes. This is a goal I desperately need to hit! As far as recipe cards go, I made one. One measly card. 

Moving on! I have three new goals for March. Let's hope I do better than February.

• Heal. Right now, I'm only focused on healing my shingles and getting better. I'm not in extreme pain, but it is uncomfortable. I just want to feel like myself again. I've never been one to take my good health for granted, but being sick does make you appreciate all those good times all the more.
• Learn how to cope with stress. Obviously, what I'm doing isn't working. As much as I thought I was good at dealing with all my stress, I guess I'm not. I need to learn how to de-stress, some of it involving eliminating caffeine, eating better, and exercising. While I am doing the latter on a fairly consistent basis, I do need to really kick it up a notch. 
• Work on my short story and have it ready to present. March 24th is the date I've been dreading. I have to present my short story to my creative writing class. I am in a class with some really good writers. I know I am a good writer, but these people intimidate me. I've done a little work with my story, but I really need to set aside 30 minutes to an hour a day to put in some serious work on it. I think my nerves will be a lot less intense if I know I have a great story that I'm excited to share.

What are your goals for March? Anything exciting happening for you next month?