Five For Friday: Questions and Answers

I received some really great questions from you guys! I picked the first 5 to answer and will be back with more as the questions keep rolling in. Here we go!

1. What about VEDA are you most scared of? And most excited for?

VEDA stands for Vlog Every Day in August and last year was its “inaugural year”. (At least for our group.) One day, Ashley sent a tweet that she was thinking about vlogging (video blogging) every day in August and soon we all jumped on board. I wasn’t able to vlog every single day, but I did manage to get a vlog up most days and it was just so much fun. It was fun to meet new faces and put some of my fears out there on Youtube. So when another chance to complete VEDA happened? I was all for it.

I don’t think I’m really scared of anything, more nervous of how I’m going to keep up to make my own vlogs and comment on the number of VEDA-ers that have signed up. I think it’s around 50+, which is way more than we had last year. It was hard enough to keep up with those so I’m just worried about how I’ll be able to keep up.

As for excited? I’m just excited to do it all over again and hopefully make all 31 days of vlogging. I start my job 10 days after it starts so that’ll be an adventure to see how I can keep up, but I’ve already committed to it so I’m going to try my best! (Side note: you can’t cheat and make all your vlogs on the weekend or in one day. That’s why it’s called Vlog Every Day in August. Not 31 Days of Vlogs in August. Hehe.) I’m also excited to meet some new faces and reconnect with old ones. I think the most fun part of VEDA was meeting new people and getting to know them better through their vlogs. Vlogging is just totally different than blogging because you get to SEE people - their expressions, their intonations, their thoughts spoken aloud.

I’m just so stinkin’ excited for VEDA! Who else is doing VEDA?

2. Why are your waiting for your wedding day for your first kiss? Sex, I get; living together, I get. But the kiss? And do you think this will make it even more difficult to find someone?

Waiting for my wedding day to have my first kiss is an idea I’ve been toying with for a long while. It’s not a novel idea, but it is definitely different. And it’s not something I’m as tied to as remaining a virgin until my wedding night or waiting to live together until we’re married. I don’t date much, so I don’t know what will happen once I do find someone I want to date seriously and contemplate marriage with. Will I remain true to wanting to wait until my wedding day for my first kiss? Maybe, maybe not. For right now, I’m leaning towards no. But that could always change. It’s just not something I’m as tied to as remaining a virgin or not cohabitating.

3. What are you most excited about with your new job?

I am excited about so much! Making a lot more money than I do now, having health insurance, being able to buy things like a CAR and a new LAPTOP, being able to support myself, learning so much about a job field I badly want to break into, working with a great group of people, NOT WEARING KHAKIS AND POLOS TO WORK EVERY DAY... do I need to go on? Mainly, I’m excited to start my career and leave a job that isn’t challenging me anymore.

4. Will you continue to live with your mother once you begin your job, or will you look for your own place? It seems like the two of you are a good fit!

I am definitely not interested in moving out any time soon. I love living with my mom and living with her will help me out a lot. Florida has a high cost of living so finding an apartment on my own would be very hard. Plus, it’s going to help out my mom a lot so it’s just a win-win situation all around. And I had a terrible roommate experience the first time around so I’m nervous to repeat that process.

5. Where are your glasses from? They’re great!

Ha! This question is funny because I feel like my glasses are too big for my face. I got them for like $100 total at Visionworks from one of their stacks of glasses. They’re not designer or anything. Just a pair of clunky black glasses. I desperately want new ones.

 

Want to ask a question? Go right ahead! (If you’re reading this through Google Reader, click out to see the question box.)

Wine and Love, V.4

You know the drill! Write a post expressing what you loved and loathed about this week and link up at Nora’s blog.

 

After the week I had, I just knew I had to participate this week!

Wine-ing about...

• My insatiable appetite. I don’t know what it is but my appetite has been out of control lately! I eat lunch, a pretty filling one, and less than two hours later, I am starving. Like, my-stomach-is-trying-to-eat-my-insides-starving. It also happens about an hour after I eat breakfast. I guess I just need to eat more protein?
• Beer. I just don’t like it. My date ordered one for me and it was just nasty. I don’t know how people drink that stuff. Give me an ice-cold Coca-Cola any day!

Loving...

• I turned in my two week notice yesterday. I have been waiting and longing to put in my notice at my job. I am so ready for something new and different, something to challenge me. My part-time job isn’t the worst in the world, but I need something full-time with better benefits. I’m still in shock that it happened and I’m finally going to be able to lift the financial burden off my mother and help out. I don’t know what I’m more excited about: that I’ll actually be able to support myself, or that I am starting my career in just 13 days. But it feels awesome.
• I went on my first date in 7 years. Yes, the last time I went on a date, I was 16 years old. I have finally decided it is time to get out there and date. It’s scary and I have been anxiety-ridden and emotional since I set the date, but I am so very glad I went. I had a fun, enjoyable time and I’m really hoping there’s another date coming up soon. :) (Yes, a post is in the works about this. I promise!)
• The NFL lockout has ended! Man, was this week awesome, or what? I have had Adam Schefter’s Twitter page up since the lockout ended because the trades have been coming in left and right. I am just so happy actual football talk is happening, not this insane lockout situation. I think it was utterly ridiculous, but I’m incredibly glad we’re going to have a season.
• I caved and bought the Erin Condren Life Planner. I don’t know what possessed me to buy this, but I found one of the $50 for $25 coupons online and proceeded to buy the planner. I told myself now that I will be a Grown-Up, I need a planner to keep track of everything. I have been terrible at using them in the past, so maybe the fact that I spent twenty-five dollars on this thing will help!
• My Internet friends. I love you guys. Seriously. You are the bomb diggity. You have been my biggest support system while searching for a job, going on interviews, and even when I was riddled with date anxiety. Some of you are quickly becoming close friends to me and I just love you all to bits and pieces.
• I have a hair appointment tomorrow! Hair appointments are one of my favorite things and I’ve been in the mood to start growing my hair out for a month or two now. So I’m finally going to make the plunge to grow it out a little and get rid of the bob. I’m super excited!

You Ask, I’ll Answer

One of my favorite blog feature of any blog is the Q&A. I always find it interesting to read what other people are curious about and the answers given. I’m planning on making some of my Five For Friday posts into Q&A’s because I’m sure some people have lots of questions about me. (Plus, I totally failed at answering all the questions asked for Vlog Fridays that I feel like I owe you guys.)

I’m using Formspring this time around, so you can send me anonymous questions if that’s your desire or sign it with your name. I’m sincerely hoping I don’t get any nasty questions or comments by using this but we’ll see. Internet trolls aren’t known for their niceness.

I’ll start answering questions this Friday, provided I receive enough questions. Get cracking!

Oh, and if you haven’t heard? I TOTALLY GOT A JOB YESTERDAY! Read my exciting announcement here. More details to come!

Is this real life?

I just have a few minutes before I need to leave for spin class. And then I have to rush home and get ready for a date. Yes, a date. (More on that later.)

But I had to write a post because something amazing happened this afternoon...

I GOT A JOB!!!

The position I interviewed for last week, that I felt so strongly was mine before I even had it, was offered to me TODAY!!

I have so many emotions running through my head: I get to quit my menial job, I get to work in a field doing something I love, I can support myself and have insurance and wear pretty dresses to work. OH. MY. GOD. Is this even real life? After almost 4 months of job searching, I found a job?! And not just any job, but the type of work I have been searching for!

A more detailed post on the job and interview will be written later. For now, I’m just in shock. And happier than I have ever been in my life.

Seven Links

So confession. I originally saw this meme on Amber’s blog and was already writing my own post when Callie tagged me in it. So, I’m now legit and here I go!

I’m identifying old posts of mine, using these categories:

• Your most beautiful post
• Your most popular post
• Your most controversial post
• Your most helpful post
• A post whose success surprised you
• A post you feel didn’t get the attention it deserved
• The post that you are most proud of

Your ‘Most Beautiful’ Post

Three Years. A post I put together at the last minute to honor the passing of my beloved first dog, Minnie. Minnie was such a big part of my life for so long and her death was hard. But I’m so glad she was mine for eleven years.

Your ‘Most Popular’ Post

Letters To My Future Husband: Hello, My Love. With 5,200 pageviews, this is easily my most popular post. I never imagined my first letter would receive such great feedback and visitors. If you Google, “letters to my future husband”, it’s the second link. Pretty cool!

Your ‘Most Controversial’ Post

On Why I’m Choosing to Wait. Honestly, I expected this post to be a lot more controversial than it turned out to be. Everyone was extremely supportive of me and understanding of my decision to wait until marriage to live together with my spouse and to have sex. It’s not a popular position to take, but it’s the one that feels the most comfortable to me.

Your ‘Most Helpful’ Post

Apartment Living: Downsizing. I really don’t do many posts I would deem “helpful”. I don’t know why, because surely, I have advice to give! This is one of my more recent posts, but is probably the most helpful posts I’ve ever done.

A post whose success surprised you

Points Plus. I wrote this post mainly for me, to get out all my thoughts on the new program on Weight Watchers and it has been my second most-viewed post I’ve ever written. Search engines still direct people inquiring about the program to my blog, which is pretty exciting.

A post you feel didn’t get the attention it deserved

This blog is not only a place for me to write, it’s also a place I’ve found community and comments are something that fuel me to keep blogging. I usually receive at least a few comments on every post. That said, there have been three posts that received no response whatsoever. Two of those being book reviews and I’m usually happy to receive any comments on those so it wasn’t a big deal. The third was a Reverb10 prompt that, for some reason, wasn’t well-received.

A post you are most proud of

On Losing My Dad. This was a hard post to write, but incredibly cathartic. I needed to write this. Not having contact with my dad is something that eats at me every day, but I’m slowly beginning to learn to let go and live without him.

 

And while I hate tagging people in posts, because I don’t want to leave anyone out, I’m going to do it anyway.

1. Melissa at Press Play
2. Linda at Curious Notions
3. Cait at Finding My Balance
4. Megan at Somewhat Voluble
5. Amy at Just a Titch
6. Steph Anne at Luxe Chandelier
7. Nora at Walking With Nora

And anyone else that wants to play along! Please do!

This Weight Loss Thing is Hard

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I hate feeling like a failure. I hate sitting here, eight months after I promised myself I would make big changes to find that I’m no different than I was then. I find this in all areas of my life but the biggest area is with my health. It’s the most noticeable part, so it’s not surprising that it gets the most attention. Or lack thereof.

Weight loss is hard. It’s a long and arduous journey of ups and downs, highs and lows. It’s a completely transformation of yourself, both inside and out. It’s reforming what your brain has been ingrained to tell you to do and eat and say for the past 20-something years of your life.

Yet I know it’s possible. I have seen others do it and I have had firsthand knowledge of the power it can have in the transformation of my mom. She went from a woman who could only shop in plus-size stores, who was winded from walking up one flight of stairs, and who was afraid the next time she went to an amusement park, she wouldn’t be able to fit in the rollercoaster to someone who doesn’t even resemble that person. She’s lost 80 pounds and kept it off. She’s run a marathon and is training for her second. And while she still struggles with being healthy, she makes the better choices more often than not.

I live with this woman. I have all the inspiration, motivation, and support behind me. So why is it still so hard? Why am I still struggling? Why can’t I get this right?

There are weeks when it doesn’t feel like such a struggle. Healthy eating and gym time feels normal. But then there are those weeks when everything I do feels like a battle. Cravings crop up when I least expect them and my ability to withstand temptation is at an all-time low. I don’t want to give in, but it’s just easier than dealing with the tempting thoughts 24/7.

It’s not that I don’t know what I need to do to lose weight. I do. Drink lots of water. Eat lots of fruits, veggies, and lean protein. Indulge every so often. Exercise. Track what you’re eating, plan out your meals. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I know what to do, but it’s the implementation and seeing it through to the end where my brain gets trippy.

I read a quote a while back in one of the fitness magazines I read:

Don’t trade what you want most for what you want at this moment.

What an incredible statement. I need this to be the mantra for my life. I need my focus to be on weight loss and leading a healthier lifestyle. I need to stop looking at what’s going to satisfy me in the here and now and start imagining how much better I will feel when I hit my happy weight. And remember how much better I feel when I’m following the plan and working out consistently.

I’ve noticed how a lot of people seem to have a problem with letting their eating habits become obsessive and controlling when they track what they eat. Everything revolves around what they are eating. In a way, I need to embrace an obsessive tendency towards tracking and what I’m putting into my body. What I’m doing right now is not working. I’m letting my past control my future. One of my Weight Watcher Leader’s favorite sayings is “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.” I’m the poster child for that statement.

Changing your lifestyle is scary stuff. It’s not for the faint of heart and takes more grit and determination than I feel I possess. I see how others have transformed and just wonder how they maintain motivation over the long haul. How they don’t let things like vacations and celebrations get in the way of their lifestyle. The answer is easy, of course. It is their lifestyle. It is their normal.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just know I’ve been on the program since the early January and I’ve lost 6 pounds. Six freaking pounds. It defeats me when I see a sentence like that. I know that it’s good that I’m still trying and still at a loss, but it still defeats me. To hear of people who have been losing weight for the same time and have lost three or four times the weight I have is defeating. I know I have my own journey to go through and I knew it would take a lot of kicking and screaming before I finally submit to being healthy and losing weight. I’m a stubborn individual and I don’t like change.

The truth is, I need to take a long, hard look at my eating habits and change what doesn’t fit. What isn’t helping me towards my goal. What is losing the battle for me. I can tell you easily that it involves not drinking enough water, not eating enough in the morning, snacking on things that don’t fill me up, and allowing little things to trip me up like bad news or big celebrations. Plain and simple. Bottom line. I need to start thinking skinny and remembering my number one goal. I want to be healthy and I want to look at my body and be proud of it.

Right now? I’m just defeated.

Five For Friday

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1. I had an unexpected day off today, which gives me an unexpected three-day weekend! I’m so excited to spend today being as lazy as possible, while also fitting in two hours at the gym and lots of laundry. Oh, well. You can’t have it all.

2. Fridays had been set aside for the past few weeks for the 30-Day Challenge, which is now officially kaput. I haven’t been feeling it in the past few weeks and wanted to move on. Maybe another time.

3. I’m on Google+ and I must say, I still don’t see what’s so great about it. I mean, I get it. It’s like Facebook for Twitter. You don’t have to have annoying people clogging your feed and filter people out and all that jazz. But it just feels like another time-waster to suck me in. I can barely keep up with e-mails and reading blogs as it is...now you want to add another social media venture in there?

4. About a month ago, the power cord my laptop came with crapped out. This happened with my last Toshiba computer and I had bought another power cord way back when for that. No biggie. I just found the other power cord, plugged it in, and was good to go. But now the power cord is not charging my battery at all when it’s plugged in. If the plug isn’t in, my computer turns off. If it is, my computer is on. I just need a new computer. And a money tree.

5. Last week, after I finished cutting up fruit at work, I was cleaning one of the big knives and accidently sliced my thumb. It was a small, tiny cut and didn’t bleed too badly so I just bandaged it up and moved on. The spot was tender for a day or two but nothing major. Yesterday, I had to cut up fruit again. I told myself to be careful while cleaning the knife. So what happened? You guessed it: I cut myself again. A little to the left of the other cut and a little longer. We can label this under: Things That Only Happen to Me.

Wine and Love, V.3

This is only my third time participating in Walking With Nora’s Wine and Love series, but it’s easily one of my favorites!

Wine-ing about...

• Getting sick. On Saturday morning, I woke up with a swollen throat and the imending doom that I was getting sick. I get allergy-like symptoms every 3 months or so and it always feels like it comes after a child in my center coughs on me. Sigh. Swollen throat turned scratchy which turned into a stuffy nose and all around feeling of blah-ness. Luckily, it seems to have passed and I’m on the mend! I’ve been trying to keep it easy for the past few days because these tend to last for a week or longer because I don’t take the time to slow down and let my body get the rest it needs.
• Finding being healthy to be such a chore. I’m now paying $40 a month to attend Weight Watcher meetings and use their online food and exercise tracking tools. And I’m not using either to its fullest extent. I have felt so off this week, especially with my eating. I’ve been watching what I eat, but not tracking it. I’ve been exercising, but not putting my heart and soul into my workouts. I know this has something to do with being sick, but it has just felt so hard this week.
• How long this week has been. This week has just absolutely dragged. On Monday, I thought it was Tuesday. Tuesday, I thought it was Wednesday. (And started drafting a Wine & Love post in my head to post the next day...until I realized what day it was.) It’s just been so long and I have no idea why. Today is seriously only Thursday?

Loving...

• Having interviews. Changing my focus of job search engines from Monster to Craigslist has been the best decision I have made in this job search journey thus far. I have gotten so much more response and interviews and on Tuesday, I went on one of the best interviews I’ve ever had. I felt immediately at ease with the interviewer (also the person I would be working under) and loved the company and atmosphere. I’ve never felt more at home at a place. This feels like my job already, so I’m going to be absolutely devastated if I don’t get it.
• The comments on my friendship post. Honestly, I didn’t do it for the attention or “woe is me”. I debated posting it, but in the end I did because I had to know I wasn’t the only person feeling this way. And the comments and e-mails I received were just absolutely freaking amazing. I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately, especially about how I don’t seem to have a close-knit group of girlfriends - or even a close-knit group of blog girlfriends - like I see others have. The truth is, I just need to reach out because now I know I do have people who want to make closer connections with me. (I’ve been over my head in interviews and life, but I promise to get to those comments soon with e-mails and replies! Check your inboxes!)
• The NFL lockout looks to be ending soon! We should have word today, announcing the end and I can’t even tell you how excited this makes me! For a while there, it wasn’t looking good and I can’t imagine my Sundays in fall and winter without football. That’s a world I never want to imagine.

On Friendship

I am totally a Spencer. (And addicted to this show.)

I have a hard time making friends.

It’s the plight of introverts, I would surmise. I’m incredibly shy and quiet and I tend to stay withdrawn in social situations. In school, I was always that quiet girl who didn’t say much. Unless I was involved in a group project or someone struck up a conversation with me, I would stay in my shy bubble. It took me a long time to break out of my shell at work and I must thank my work BFF for that. She is one of the most bubbly, extroverted people I know and just being around her makes me want to be extroverted like her. I still have the tendency to stay within myself (especially around especially loud and boisterous personalities), but I think it’s safe to say I am learning to be more vocal and outspoken in that arena.

I think one of the hardest things about building friendships is jumping from casual acquaintance to someone I connect with. I feel awkward requesting phone numbers or e-mailing them or even chatting with them online. I mean, even in the AIM era of middle and high school, I had a small list of friends on my list and almost never initiated conversations.

The lack of friendships in my life bugs me. I feel like I’m failing at this phase of my life. I mean, I’m 23! Where are my nights out with my girlfriends? Brunches, coffee dates, and trips? I do none of that. It doesn’t help that it seems that with the few of the close friendships I’ve had, I’m the one doing all the work - putting together the lunch dates and keeping in contact. One of my best friendships has fizzled because I got tired of being the only one who seemed to care. Those type of dying friendships can be awful on the heart, because you realize all along that the friendship wasn’t what you had built up in your head.

The thing is, I’ve met so many people through my blog, people I want to get to know better but have never made that leap. People I want to send long e-mails to when I need to vent or talk to on G-chat when I just want someone to talk to, but I’m always worried it will bug or irritate them. It’s silly, really, because I know I get incredibly happy when I receive e-mails from readers.

It’s hard to see so many blog friends who have transcended the line of just a casual blog reader to real friendships. I know they’ve put their own hearts on the line to make it happen so I really have nobody to blame but myself. It just seems to be the way with me.

But 2011 is the year I’m taking action for the areas of my life I’m unhappy with. The lack of true friendships in my life is a source of constant stress. I’ve never been good at making friends, because of my shyness and awkwardness. But I’m no longer hiding behind that excuse. If I want to make friends, if I want to have stronger blog friends, I need to put in the work.

Apartment Living: Downsizing

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I’m 23 years old and 95% of my life has been spent living in apartments. Aside from a brief stint living with my grandparents when my mom left my dad and another three years renting a house from one of the worst landlords to ever walk to face of this earth, I have lived in apartments. Large apartments and shoebox apartments. Luxury apartments and ones with only the barebones appliances. Gated communities and scary communities. I have lived in just about every kind of apartment one can imagine.

Almost two years ago, my mom and I downsized from a beautiful, two-bedroom, two-bathroom luxury apartment in a gated community that included a full-size washer and dryer in the unit, as well as granite countertops, stainless-steel appliances, and more closets and counter space than we knew what to do with. We moved about 10 miles away to a one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment with no washer and dryer, outdated appliances, and just one walk-in closet and one linen closet to house all our stuff. Due to our current financial state, we had to make the tough decision to downsize. And cutting our rent bill by $400 made our decision that much easier.

Downsizing was tough. My mom lost a bedroom (hers is now the den of the apartment. Don’t ask me why she has the den while I have the master bedroom. Her decision.) We lost being able to wash our clothes whenever we wanted. We went from a glass-top stove to one that looks like it was made in 1975. (I still miss that stove.) We lost closet space and an extra bathroom. We lost square footage and a safe, gated community.

But what we gained was so much better than luxury. Downsizing was a step in gaining our financial freedom once again and realizing we can make a shoebox-sized apartment work for us.

How We Did It

Find the right apartment.

Obviously, the first step in the downsizing process is finding the right apartment. You want a place that will be worth the effort of moving and the right price for the right amenities. My mom and I knew we wanted to move closer to her work since I would need the car to get to work and to school. Luckily, on the opposite side of the street where she works is a whole slew of apartments. We knew we wanted to find something there so she could simply walk to work and I could have the car without causing any major difficulties. And there are tons of different websites to peruse when apartment hunting. We knew the area we wanted to move to so it wasn’t a big deal for us but we have used websites before - Duncanville Apartments, being an example. We knew we would need to downsize to a one-bedroom but we’re looking for something with a den, because that could be a second (albeit, much smaller) bedroom. And we also threw away any notions that we would have a full-size washer and dryer and up-to-date appliances. After touring 5-6 different apartments, we decided on the one we’re at currently. We would lose almost 300 square footage, but realistically, we don’t need all that space anyway. It was the perfect walking distance from my mom’s work (less than a mile) and the community seemed homey, inviting, and quiet.

Begin the process of downsizing before you step foot in your new apartment.

You’re losing out on a lot of space when you move to a smaller apartment. In our case, it meant we needed to take a firm look at what we had and what we really needed. We weren’t going to have an extra outside closet to house all our Christmas decorations. Or two walk-in closets to house all our clothes and junk. We had to start before we packed with getting rid of the waste. We are not packrats of any sort but there was still a lot we had to part with when we took a look at what we had and what we wanted to move over. I ended up getting rid of my desk (it was falling apart anyway), my dresser (ended up giving it to my mom and using closet space and a small nighttable to house my clothes), and a bookshelf. We also had to go through our clothes and only keep what we knew we would wear. Since we would be sharing one walk-in closet, we needed to make sure we could fit our clothes together without creating too much mess.

Make the small space work for you.

Once you move in, it’s time to reorganize and figure out how to make your new apartment work for you. Yes, you’re losing out on a lot of space and nicer appliances, in some cases, but my mom and I found it very easy to organize our life to suit our new space. Organizational systems like boxes and cute baskets help, as well as realizing how to plan a living room that doesn’t feel suffocating or make a den feel more like a bedroom than a small living area. Once we decided to downsize, my mom and I threw our entire attitudes into this concept and it helped us to see this apartment for what it is: an escape from living beyond our means. So we were excited to take a smaller space and make it our own!

Revel in the extra money you have every month.

My mom and I ended up with $400 extra a month and a few months after we moved in, she paid off her car, giving us an extra $200 a month. The smaller space is worth it to be able to breathe again financially. At the time we moved, I still had two years of college to make it through. I had a part-time job but couldn’t contribute significantly to our finances so this move was big for us. We finally realized that as much as we loved living in our luxury apartment, we needed to be smart and downsize. Realize that living within our means is better in the long run. Yes, hauling our clothes to the laundry room is a pain and I still miss that beautiful stove, but the financial freedom we received in the long run is worth more than any luxury.

Have you ever needed to downsize? Are you living under, within, or above your means now?

30DC: Week Nine

Thinking about what 13-year-old Stephany pictured 23-year-old Stephany would be like is tough. Back then, I knew I wanted a husband and children. I imagined I would find my footing and self-confidence during high school and college and meet the man of my dreams. He would be tall and strong, probably dark-haired. He would have a musical laugh and make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He would be a Christian and we would attend a couples’ Bible study where, for the first time in my life, I would be a part of the popular crowd. We would perhaps be planning our wedding, or maybe still dating. I would have graduated from college and immersed in a career I love.

I don’t think 13-year-old Stephany pictured 23-year-old Stephany as a recent college graduate, still single (and still very self-conscious and shy around boys), living with her mom, and working a part-time job that doesn’t fulfill her in the least. I don’t think she would be excited about the fact that she still depends on support from her mother.

So what do I hope my future will be like? It’s a tough question because I know what I hope is not always what will be.

I hope to have a husband, someone who loves me unconditionally and makes me feel special. I know every day won’t be sunshine and roses but I know the man I someday marry will be worth fighting for.

I hope to have established a writing career. I want to be published and well on my way to being a full-time writer. Yes, it’s a lofty dream and yes, I need to do a lot of work with my writing but this has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl and I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life.

I hope to be healthy and happy. It’s a slow process but I hope to one day be able to control my eating habits and find a consistent exercise pattern.

I hope to have a family. Right now, pregnancy and having children is the furthest thing from my mind. (Well, aside from the fact that I am constantly worried people are going to ask me how far along I am whenever their gaze drops to my stomach. Erg.) But I imagine it will be something I long for once I find a partner in life.

I hope to be happy with where I am at the moment. I am always so worried about the future, about not being at a place I “should” be, about why I’m so different than other people my age. Just to be in the moment and content in that.

I Found The One

For the longest time, I’ve been searching for The One. I think most of us are. Other people have found it. Some have no desire to even start searching. And there are those, like me, who go after finding The One with a vengeance. They will not stop. Nothing else matters but The One. They envy others who have found it and try methods that they have used. They moan and gripe and cry, wondering why they haven’t found this love. They want to know what they’re doing wrong.

Until one day, magic happens. And they find The One. It may have been a fluke accident or it may be something that’s been brewing for a long time. But finally, finally, they found it.

This has been going on for a month or two, but I can now safely say that I have found The One. A love that makes my heart beat with excitement and where I leave every encounter more full of love, happiness, and joy.

Oh, and perhaps also a shirt soaked with sweat.

I found love. And I found it on a spin bike.

Oh, spinning, how I love thee. If you’ve been around this blog enough, you know how desperately I chased after a dream of becoming a runner. And not just any runner, but someone whose entire life revolves around it. I subscribed to running e-mail lists, got fitted for proper running shoes, and even started training for two half-marathons before I realized I needed to be honest with myself: running sucked. I hated it. I would go out for training runs, hating every pound of the pavement and the feeling of defeat that clogged my brain when I ended up walking more than I ran.

When I signed up for a gym membership in June, there was only one thing on my mind: I wanted a place to spin. I had only taken two spin classes previously and they were hard as hell, but I felt powerful, strong, and amazing afterward. I loved the intensity, loved how it made me hurt. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to take more spin classes to see if this is something I love.

I found out that this is more than love. I am actually excited to go work out, where previously I felt dread. I am finding the same emotions my mom has for running in spin classes. I love the way I sweat like a pig, the way I stretch myself to do more than I thought I could at a higher intensity, and the way my body hurts afterward. I love the feeling of accomplishment. And I love how it is completely go-at-your-own-pace and I’m not worried at all about the people who are spinning faster or harder than me. With running, I was constantly comparing myself. People say it’s very individualized but I never felt that way. I was always questioning why I wasn’t running faster or longer or harder. Why it felt so hard for me, why I didn’t love it, why I didn’t have a passion for it the way others did.

Truth is, running wasn’t the right thing for me. I wanted it to be, tried desperately to make it so, but it was time to seek out something I loved more.

In spinning, I have found The One. The exercise love that thrills and excites me. Every class is tough and mentally bruising. And there are some classes that I absolutely dread, but go anyway because I know I will feel better afterwards. It doesn’t take every ounce of willpower for me to get to the gym and find a bike. It just takes knowing how much I love it to keep me going back.

Have you found The (Exercise) One?

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind, Part 7

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

No doubt in my mind: when I was on my cruise. How could you not feel alive while waking up surrounded by the ocean, the budding excitement of visiting different countries and doing incredible adventures in them, of having your fill of relaxation and busyness? It was such an amazing five days for me and all my mom and I can talk about is when we’re going again. Cruising will definitely be an annual thing for us.

32. If not now, then when?

If I ever got a tattoo, this would be the perfect one for me. I feel like I’m constantly asking myself this question. And I constantly have an answer for myself. At first, it was school. Now, it’s finding a job. And once I find a job? I know I’ll come up with something else: I’m trying to figure out my finances first. I need to focus on my career. Blah, blah, blah. I’m pretty much a Professional Excuse Maker and the time has come to say: Now. Now is the time. Now is the time when I will put my whole heart on the line to find love. Now is the time I will shed all my previous notions and lose the weight for good. Now is the time I will stop making excuse and start doing.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Failure. The thing about not achieving something is that you don’t have to risk failure. And failure is something that I fear the most. I took timid steps to showing my fiction to mediocre reviews, which I think is why I’ve put fiction on the backburner again. I’m so afraid at failing at something I’ve wanted for my entire life that it’s just easier to not even try.

It’s a terrible attitude to have, but I try to be as honest as I can be on this blog and there you have it. Yes, not even trying is sometimes worse than failing but but not trying, I don’t know the taste of failure. But I also don’t know the taste of achievement.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

So, this is kind of a weird question but I think I understand it. These times happen infrequently and only with people I know well. Well well. People who I can talk about matters of the heart, but also know my sarcasm that a single barb doesn’t make them flinch. It happens with my best friend from work. It happens with my mom. It happens with my brother. It’s just about knowing them, backwards and forwards. Knowing when they need a minute to themselves, when they need a hug, when a joke will make them feel better. Knowing when to talk and when to be silent.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

I can’t answer this question. Honestly, aside from the basics, I know very little about the politics that went into all the different wars. This question does make me a little itchy, though. If anyone cares to enlighten me, feel free!

Parts 1-6

Book Review: In Her Wake by Nancy Rappaport

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Title: In Her Wake
Author: Nancy Rappaport
Genre: Memoir
Year: 2009
Rating: 3 of 5 stars

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Nancy Rappaport was 4 years old when her mother committed suicide. Her parents were embroiled in a bitter custody battle at the time, with the courts siding with her father in the most recent battle before she killed herself. The story is about Rappaport trying to find closure in the death of her mom, seeking out anything to understand her mother’s mind and why she committed suicide. It is a mini-biography of her mom, her father, her family, and herself. It is a daughter trying to put together the pieces of her mother’s life.

For me, I never felt like I got a true picture of Nancy’s mother. I learned a lot about Nancy herself, her parenting styles, and how she and her siblings learned to cope without their mother. While there was exploration into her mother’s past and how she came to meet Nancy’s father and raise her children, there seemed to be more of an emphasis on how the family coped afterward. It makes sense, though, since the author was just four when her mother passed, but judging by the subtitle, I was expecting to have a clearer picture of her mother.

This was the type of story you would have to read in bits and pieces. The author’s writing style is very good and easy to read, but there is a lot of information to digest. It’s the type of book you have to read a little at a time, process, then pick up again in a few days. There was a lot of clinical information that I found interesting, but I imagine it just might be too much for some people.

In the end, it was a good book but I wouldn’t shelve it among my favorites. It tended to get very wordy in parts. If you’re a fan of non-fiction and memoirs, it’s a good pick for a book chock-full of anecdotes and information, especially involving suicide and how a family copes with the aftermath.

I received this book for free from TLC Book Tours in exchange for an honest review. All words and opinions are my own.

Project 365 Saturday: 35 - 41

035 - Self-portrait day.

036 - A busy week of reading for me! A book I’m reviewing next week, the second book in the Harry Potter series, and books I’m reading on my Kindle. Love, love, love.

037 - Left the grocery store in torrential downpour. And yet, 5 minutes after we got home, soaked to the bone, the rain stopped. Bah!

038 - Bedtime with all my pillows, my comforter, and my dog covertly hidden, save for his blue collar sticking out. :)

039 - This is Dutch’s “Please save me. Mommy is trying to kill me” face. Doesn’t he look pathetic?

040 - An afternoon spent reading and cuddling with Dutch. Perfect.

041 - Cookie dough bite that my mom’s friend made for her birthday. Basically the best thing you will ever eat in your life.

A Very Special Birthday

Today, my mom turns another year older. One year closer to 50. (And before you can hate me for that, Mom, you don’t look a day over 35!)

In one year, my mom...

• Has been hit by a car, resulting in a broken elbow, a laceration above her eye (causing her to get 18 stitches), multiple deep cuts on her elbows, hands, and knees, a bruised thumb, and bruises galore.
• Completed her first marathon
• Ran two other half-marathons and a handful of other races, including two 5K’s that she walked while still nursing her broken elbow. (She wore her sling to those races.)
• Went on an amazing vacation with her favorite child daughter, exploring the countries of Grand Cayman and Cozumel.
• Watched her favorite child daughter graduate from college.
• Dealt with many blows and setbacks that would knock down a lesser woman, but she always managed to brush herself off and land on her feet.

My mom has had a year of ups and downs, but she’s somehow managed to come out on top. She was hit by a car, yet managed to keep on training when she was cleared to run and finish her marathon - with a freaking blood blister on the bottom of her foot for 11 miles. And while she’s now more cautious where she runs, she hasn’t let it slow her down. Coming back from her injury was tough, but she did it and is now training for a four-race series that includes a 5K, 10K, 15K, and a half-marathon in the space of four months. And you know what? If anyone can knock those races out of the park, it’s my mom.

Most people who read my blog know that I consider her my best friend. She’s the first one I talk to when I have good news, the first one I cry to when I get bad news. She’s the one I spend the most time with and someone I can be completely myself with. She loves me on my bad days and that’s the true testament to unconditional love. Truth is, I love hanging out with my mom. We get along great and while I know the time is coming when I have to embark on life by myself, I’m enjoying this time for what it is. And enjoying making a deeper bond and connection with the one who gave me life.

Today, my mom and I are leaving for a fun weekend in Orlando. She never seems to do much for her birthday, but I have basically forced her hand with this. She needs some time away from reality and recharge. Happy birthday to my biggest supporter, best friend, and all-around all-star mother! I love you!

Resolutions 2011 Check-In #2

Resolutions completed (1/10)

Graduate from college. I made this goal knowing it would be complete in May, but still under a cloud of doubt that something could happen. I could fail a class, my credits might not be in order, anything that could cause me to fail was planted in my mind. Last week, I finally received my diploma. For the first time in who knows how many years, I’m free from school. It feels weird, like I should be gearing up for another semester in August. But mostly, it feels good and relaxing and freeing. Graduate school is still a possibility but I’m going to enjoy a few school-free years before I even think about taking the GRE.

Resolutions I’m on track to completing (5/10)

Get to my goal weight of 115 - 120 lbs. While it would be nice to reach this milestone before the end of the year, I’m also going to be satisfied if I’m anywhere close to it (within 10 pounds or so). I don’t want to put a strict time limit on my weight loss, but gosh darn it, I want to conquer this beast. Changing your entire mindset about healthy living is hard, yo.

Read 60 books. Currently sitting at 35 books read, with 3 more to be finished very soon. Which means I am killing my goal. I know now that reading 100 books in one year was a stretch, but I’m hoping to make it to 75-80 before the year is out.

Pay off all my credit cards. Very close to paying one off completely (my lowest balance), on track to pay off the middle bill, and have successfully paid 5 of the 12 payments needed to get my last (and biggest) credit card paid off. I am right on track with this one! Yay!

Travel. Well, there was my cruise, as if I didn’t talk about that enough. That satisfied my travel bug, cruising through the Carribbean and hitting the Cayman Islands and Mexico. I’m hoping to add on more trips once I get a job, visiting faraway friends and places I’ve only seen in pictures. Hopefully, I can start a travel fund and begin exploring my country and world soon!

Complete Project 365. I won’t have this fully completed by the end of the year, but I’m hoping to keep at it until I finish! I’m also blogging about my pictures on Saturdays to keep my motivation intact. So far, so good.

Resolutions at a standstill (4/10)

Begin working at a full-time job, utilizing my degree. If this goal isn’t on my completed list the next time I do a check-in, I will lose it.

Join a book club. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m letting my social anxiety/laziness control me with this.

Run a half-marathon. This is a goal I know won’t be completed, since I have no interest in completing it. Funny how much things can change in 6 months!

Begin therapy. I had one, fairly informal therapy session with a good family friend. It was relaxing and it lead me to have a lot of insight about my dad and my future. But I still want to see someone more regularly, because I still have a tendency to hide my emotions and pretend things are fine and dandy when they are not. I still need to learn how to live with social anxiety - successfully. And I still need to move on from my dad and learn how to forgive him.

***

All in all, I think I’m doing well at this stage of the year! I think the biggest goals I want to focus on for these next few months are losing weight and finding a full-time job. And maybe joining that book club. Maybe.

July Goals

 via

1. Keep applying to jobs and follow up. Yes and a somewhat yes. I did apply for lots of jobs and there were a few I’ve followed up on, making sure my resume has been received and finding out about the interviewing process. Towards the end of the month, I decided I needed to take more action with my job searching and stop using the websites everyone is using. I’m looking at Craigslist and other media-centric job search engines.

2. Get back to eating healthy. Success! I am back on Weight Watchers and following the plan like I should. And now that I have eTools, I think it’s going to be even easier and more motivating to keep within my points range. I’m really hoping July is a month for crazy-good weight loss!

3. Exercise 5-6 times a week. Another big check mark for this one! And I can thank my new gym membership for getting me back on the exercise train -- and loving it. I let my body rest on Saturdays but every other day of the week, I’m at the gym for at least an hour doing anything from a fitness class to regular ole cardio. Buying that membership was the best thing I ever did. (Plus, at $60 a month, there is no way I wouldn’t use it to its full advantage. That’s too much money to be throwing away!)

4. Make the most of my weekends. This goal was half-won. The first half of June, I killed it. One Saturday was spent at Busch Gardens, another spent at a water park with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. It finally felt like I was doing more with my weekends and it felt good. But then I slipped back into my ways, living small and keeping to myself. My goal is to keep at this goal, making plans - simple as they may be - every weekend. I want to be more social and this is one small step to doing that.

5. Tidy up my blog. Uh, no. If anything, I made it worse. Sigh. Lots of work to do this month on my blog.

Goals for July: reorganize my room (it’s a mess right now, things shoved in different areas of the room with no real design feel), drink 1 liter of water a day, start writing again, make a budget and stick to it, and, of course, apply, apply, apply to jobs!

So…June? That Was It?

I don’t have much to say about June. These past 30 days have flown by without much happening. I’ve been working, applying to jobs, exercising, and trying to enjoy this season in my life. Scratch that. I haven’t been enjoying it. I’ve been worrying and stressing and wondering what’s wrong with me-ing. But what June has taught me that all I can do is play the waiting game. Do what I can to improve my resume and cover letter writing skills. Seek out better places to apply at (i.e., not only popular job search engines like Monster and Career Builder). Begin networking. But above all that, just trying to enjoy this time as I know soon my weeks will be filled with 40-hour work weeks, projects, challenges, and mind-numbing learning and training. (Although, to be honest, that sounds much better than what I do with my weeks now.)

One thing I’ve been learning in the past few months is that I’m not a child anymore. I know that seems like such a silly statement coming from a twenty-three-year-old, but I have a tendency to cling to the past and forget that I am an Adult and can do Adult Things. (Not, adult adult things. Well, I can do that but that’s not what I’m talking about. Ahem. Moving on.) I’ve started to take more action with my finances, with meal planning, with standing up for myself. This was most apparent when I had to confront someone at work. I said my piece, which terrified me, and the result was not pleasant. But it was a big moment for me. I’ve never been known as the girl you don’t mess with. I’m quiet and shy, keeping to myself. This was the opposite of who I’ve become and it’s exciting. I only hope I can continue to capture opportunities to stand up for myself and make my voice known.

Weight loss seemed to stall this month. May was a terrible month where I seemed to be in vacation mode the entire time. June was my month to get back on track. My mom and I started going to a new meeting, with our old leader. The meeting is farther away but we were a little fed up with our other meeting. The leader was also great, but the people were stuck on being perfect. The meeting we’re in now is so much better. The people there are real and struggle. It’s refreshing. That said, my weight loss wasn’t impressive but I’m determined to get on the right track. And really, that’s all that matters. I know I’m still going to struggle, have bad weeks and good weeks (bad months and good months), but all that really matters is that I get back on the horse and keep on truckin’.

I think one of the most exciting moments of June was when an impromptu #winetoreach was started on a Friday night and then the topic of Harry Potter was brought up. I mentioned I had never seen any of the movies and only read the first two books. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one but it caused a lot of shock and horror. And caused Erin to come up with the ridiculously awesome plan of reading through the entire Harry Potter series this summer. The plan is absolutely nuts but Erin has reminded me that these are children’s literature and fast reads. I trust her and I’m totally up for the challenge. (We’re also discussing the books on Thursday nights on Twitter, 10:00 p.m. EST.) So far, I’ve read through the first book and I’m halfway through the second. And guys? These books are good.

How did your June pan out?

My Name is Stephany & I’ve Been Living in the Dark Ages

Happy Independence Day! Honestly, with the Fourth falling on a Monday and having to go to work the next day, I don’t have many plans. But that’s kinda OK with me.

The last time I was successful with Weight Watchers was in summer 2007. Since then, I’ve been on and off the program, never fully embracing it for the long-term. I’ve always done good for a few weeks but then would fall off track easily.

As I mentioned last week, exercise is not a problem for me. Even when I fell off track with Weight Watchers, I still managed to keep exercising at least a few times a week. Of course, I’ve never exercised as much as I am now and it’s showing in my hunger levels. My eating habits haven’t changed but I’m realizing that I need to start to look at food more as fuel to get me through my workouts rather than delightful little surprises for my mouth.

I haven’t been tracking right for the past few weeks. Mostly keeping count in my head (which never turns out accurate) or on a piece of paper the next day. Problem is, I tend to conveniently forget certain foods I ate, miscalculate the amount, etc. It’s a slippery slope when your tracking falls short. One of the biggest cornerstones of Weight Watchers is tracking what you eat and being aware of portion sizes and points values. I’m not doing that.

So, finally, I bit the bullet. For the first time since summer 2007, I have an eTools account. Since it costs $40 a month and charges double that first month, I’ve always put it off, saying I didn’t have that kinda money. Well, paying $12 a week (which averages out to more than $40 a month) isn’t exactly smart. Plus, there are a myriad of benefits with having eTools. A place to track, a place for community, a place to look at your weight record, goals, and exercise. I’m so flipping excited that I finally have eTools and finally a place to get back on, um, track with my tracking. I think it’s going to do wonders for the way I eat and use my points.

I know my eating habits are the biggest hurdle I need to accomplish to live healthier. As in, eating more Power Foods, getting in my fruits and veggies servings, and drinking water. Drinking a lot more water. But I know what happens when you follow the Plan as it should be - weight loss happens. I know that I have a lot of work to do and a lot to change about my eating habits. But I’m willing to learn and willing to change my life. And that’s the biggest part of it all.

Stats
Starting Weight: 159.2 lbs
Current Weight: 150.8 lbs
Net Difference: -8.4 lbs (-1.2 this week)

Project 365 Saturday: 29 - 34

029 - Super blurry shot, but I wanted to capture it before it turned. The odometer is at 121,212 or 12 12 12. Very cool. And yes, this car has quite a few miles on it!

030 - Woke up to a rainy day on Sunday morning. It turned out to be a rainy week. Which I love, so I’m not complaining in the least.

031 - My mom wound up with two free tickets to a Rays game from a race she ran and we had a pretty fun time at the game! The Rays played like crap, the food wasn’t great, but it was fun to get away on a Monday night.

032 - Scary thunderclouds. Yes, it rained this whole, long week.

033 - My diploma finally arrived. Oh, happy day!

034 - No week is complete without a picture of my sweet Dutchy-Boy, reigning on his throne.

 

Yes, I missed a day this week. Totally slipped my mind on Wednesday!